Celebrity chef Antony Worral-Thompson has apologised to the readers of Healthy and Organic Living after publishing a recipe containing hensbane. The local gastronaught from Shiplake, who also publishes recipes in the Evening Post, claims that he had mistakenly listed the ingredient in his ideas for the Reading Labour Party annual fundraising dinner menu. He did of course mean to add wolfsbane.

Readers of the Post food supplement can instead tuck into this month's mouth watering recipes from the TV chef, Sautéed Death Cap Mushrooms in a Nightshade coulé, Carrot and Oleander soup and Special Fried Ricin washed down with a Dandelion and Hemlock cordial.

The skies over Woodley have been filled with UFOs in recent week causing panic in the area. One witness told us: "These mysterious silver and gold objects appear in the sky the the same time every night. It is like there is an intelligence guiding them."

Experts from the Anomalous Phenomena Research Agency (APRA) website have told us: "It is hard to explain exactly where they are coming from, but the most likely explanation is that the Showcase Cinema may be doing a little sneaky publicity for the new X Files movie: 'I Want To Believe' and chucking ash trays into the air after pub closing time in the hope that some drunk will call the Evening Post and they're desperate for a story."

Sales of a new anti-alien abduction spray have shot up in the last few weeks. Waitrose has denied profiteering on the scare, but did add: "Have you got a better suggestion about how to get local residents to wear deoderant?"

With Womad once again upon us, Reading residents are being warned to keep their doors and windows shut as MPs and Councillors roam the streets of Reading suffering withdrawal symptoms from the lack of freebies.

A concerned resident told us: "It's so sad to see them aimlessly shuffling around Rivermead on Womad festival weekend. Labour Party activists wondering where to put their stalls, Anneliese Dodds desperately trying to find an ethnic minority event to be photographed at, Tories with boxes of unsold 'Hang Nelson Mandela' tee-shirts and Liberal Democrats wandering around pretending to like Toumani Diabaté and Seun Kuti & Egypt 80. The council should do something about it and start up a rival festival so that they can once more be doled out 20 free VIP tickets each and shout 'don't you know who I am?' at frazzled staff."

Reading Buses has been accused of releasing a dangerous gas into the local environment by leading chemist Professor Val N. C. Bond. After catching the number 17 bus she said that she was shocked to see the company proudly proclaiming that they were releasing oxygen monocarbide with an oxidation state of +2 into the atmosphere.

"Don't they know what damage CO² can do to the environment?" she told us. "Why, if those spare oxidation state molecules ever attempted to bond with CH₄ mixed with hydrogen in a plasma state we'd have the ideal mix for forming diamonds by chemical vapour deposition and that would not be good for the people of Reading.

Reading Buses have declined to comment on the Professor's findings, but did release a statement. "It was a typo. It should have said CO₂. Are you happy now?"

PRUPIM – the property development arm of Prudential, were in floods of tears as their plans to develop Kennet Meadows were sunk without a trace. News of the rejection of the scheme to build 7,500 homes was leaked ahead of the report when it trickled out to journalists. The company said that despite their disappointment they had no plans to faucet through on appeal.

However Kevin Ashman, a director of PRUPIM, was irrigated by the rejection and told us: "Dam! It would appear that our hopes of making money were drowned out by protesters. However, we're already planning to dive right into our next scheme which will be coming on stream soon."

The Home Secretary announced new measures to clamp down on knives as figures show the Reading area is suffering an increase in violent assaults. The Bishop of Reading has also felt the need to step in and urged people to put down their weapons. Yet despite the local outcry, builders have gone ahead with the controversial topping out of the Blade Building in Forbury Square.

A spokeswoman for the Thames Valley Police told us: "In the current climate where knife crime is rampant, this is irresponsible architecture at its worst. I would urge the contractors to take the building down to the Central Police station and hand it in before somebody gets badly injured."

PC Alistair Melling, founder of the Gay Police Association, has called for Reading Festival to be banned this year. "Only I can tell you the meaning of words and I aim to stamp out any usage that I don't agree with. It has come to my attention that Reading Festival are planning to segregate gay and lesbian festival goers? This is an outrage and this event should not be allowed to carry on with its increasingly homophobic overtones. I've been told on good authority that there are whole fields set aside for camping and they are even selling weekend camping tickets. This is homophobic bullying at its worst."

PC Melling has himself has come underfire for telling the press: "I hate to get into this thing about political correctness. It is naff and no good." Gay spokesmen Julian and Sandy told us: "How dare this charpering omi palare balonie? He knows that Naff is omipalones for Normal As F*** and yet he still uses it. This maunged sharpey is screeching our polari. It's mankey. Vaggerie to the charpering carsey and stay there."

There was shock news for Reading residents as news that a local cattle market had suddenly closed because of the global credit crunch.

However, fans of fresh locally sourced produce were reassured when it was revealed that the Farmers' Market in Great Knollys Street every first and third Saturday was not under threat and it was in fact the Friday and Saturday night meat market otherwise known as Brannigans in the Oracle that had been shut down instead.

Reading Borough Council has promised to end the cycle of travellers moving from one site to another after revealing their secret weapon in the never ending war of attrition with caravan owners.

A council spokesman told us: "Following the previous traveller encampment at Cintra Park, we looked into ways of securing all council properties across the Borough but it was way too expensive. So instead we have purchased materials for a railing which we will install as soon as possible. It will be a small inconvenience for the residents of Cintra Avenue to have them trapped there permanently but we're sure that other parts of Reading will be more than happy about the actions we are taking here."

The Reading Evening Post Diary page brings you an exclusive report on a local goth mourning the closure of the Fosters Brewery in Reading.

If you can't see the You Tube video, you can download a Windows Media version

Hundreds of commuters were stranded after First Great Western Trains were hit by major signalling problems at Didcot. A Network Rail spokeswoman told us: "We apologise to passengers caught up in that but the good news is that things are back running normally now."

One commuter complained that no information was being given to commuters, trains were either cancelled or severely delayed and there was major overcrowding on the services that did run. "In fact," she told us, "it was impossible to tell it apart from a normal day's service."

Fast Show character Ron Manager	Evening Post Diary Editor Paul Robins

Has anyone ever seen these two in the same room?

A much-anticipated army parade through Reading honouring its Territorial Army troops has been cancelled.

The march was due to take place on Sunday, June 22, as part of the 100th anniversary celebrations of the TA and was also to be a celebration of the return of Reading’s 7 Rifles from a six-month tour of Afghanistan.

However, due to circumstances beyond the local commander's control, the soldiers will not be able to parade through Reading. The Army instead will be continuing operations in Afghanistan and Iraq in an attempt to save the skin of Gordon Brown and ensure that there is sufficient continuing threat to the UK from angry Islamists to make 42 days detention without trial and the suspension of centuries old rights of the British people look like it was necessary.

Local gangs have eschewed knives and are taking up carrying pies after a landmark case saw a man aquitted for shoving a meat pie into his friend's face. Robert Kite was on a night out with a couple of tarts when Craig Davis was said to have attacked him with a hot sausage roll. Mr. Davis was cleared after claiming that Mr. Kite's version of events was a load of pork pies.

A Thames Valley Police spokesperson told us: "Pie crime is a massive problem in this town. Kids always want to look harder than their mates and often after being ridiculed for carrying puff pastry pies they will move onto carrying a sawn-off shortcrust or more worryingly concealed meat hidden in their choux."

People worried by pie crime are being urged by former Mayor Chris Maskell to hand in their weapons as part of his Borough wide Pie Amnesty. Simply take your pies along to the Civic Offices in leave them in the box marked: FAO: Chris Maskell where they will be safely disposed off.

Reading Buses will be showing off their new hi-tech premier route buses which have been specially adapted for working in Reading.

The buses have been fitted with a moveable bulldozer blade to run Peeps Kebab Van out of the University layby and to clear a way through the taxis blocking the entrance to the stops at Reading Station, as well as the whole ground floor given over to accomodating pushchairs for the numbers 4,5 and 6 routes.

The bus is scheduled to visit Tilehurst Triangle at 9.30am, Rivermead Car Park from 11am, Palmer Park Stadium Car Park from 1pm and South Reading Community Centre, Northumberland Avenue from 2.30pm. Seasoned bus passenger may want to save a long wait by turning up half an hour later when two buses will arrive at the same time.

One of South Reading's few remaining uncontacted indigenous tribes has been spotted and photographed on the border between Whitley Wood and Earley. The Council says it is showing the images to prove the tribe exists.

The pictures, taken from a police helicopter, show red-painted tribe members wearing hoodies and shell suits brandishing ball bearing guns and pushing pushchairs. A council spokeman told us: "It's important that development of Junction 11 doesn't encroach on this tribal area or they might be tempted to move into other areas in Reading."

The tribe nicknamed 'Woodies' by anthropologists can be distinguished from other tribes in the area by their collections of Ford Escorts on bricks in their front gardens, permanently fitted outdoor Christmas decorations and ostentacious displays of England flags on their hut windows.

Residents and tenants new to West Reading will be armed with information about the area, thanks to a welcome pack produced by Reading Borough Council. The document, entitled 'Welcome to Kabul-on-Thames' is a one-stop-shop for people who have moved into the new homes and flats on the old Battle Hospital site.

Packed with helpful hints about which pubs to avoid, advice to not wear short skirts when taking a shortcut up Western Elms Avenue, where to park to avoid taggers, dodging Pete Doherty and how to circumvent tree preservation orders, the guide will be only be available once residents have signed their lease papers and not before.

Reading Borough Council are planning to administer more fines across the town after a man paid up for performing a legal traffic manoeuvre on the A33.

The new rules will see cars travelling in a clockwise direction on the Inner Distribution Road fined for persistently ignoring the wishes of the transport planners, whilst users of the Chatham Place slip roads will be penalised for using roads which are due to be demolished.

Thames Valley Police have defended their actions in fining an innocent man: "We believe that it's a lot easier to fine law-abiding citizens for obeying the law than arresting criminal types. They're dangerous and less likely to pay up."

An award winning street show, Punch and Judy, circus shows, balloon modelling and stilt walkers will transform the town centre into a children's playground next week. They have been lined up for the annual Town Centre Day on May 30th, one of the highlights of Reading's Children's Festival, when streets and stores come alive with music and mayhem.

To complement the children's event Reading Town centre will also see comparable events for adults; the "Are You Looking At Me Bird" street show, wife beating puppets sponsored by Stella, the Friar Street Freak Show, Inflate the Durex Over Your Head competition and 100 Yard Pissed High-Heel staggering. These events have been lined up for every Friday and Saturday night for the foreseeable future, when the streets and pubs come alive with loud music, stabbings, punchings and mayhem.

A Reading-based Christian charity may appeal after an employment tribunal unanimously found it had discriminated against two former employees on religious grounds. Prospects, which has its headquarters in Honey End Lane, Tilehurst, was taken to a tribunal by former employees Mark Sheridan and Louise Hender who disagreed with the charity’s Christian-only employment policy.

After the landmark ruling, Mr. B.L Zeebub from Coley is also planning to appeal after being made redundant as rector of St. Giles as a result of sacrificing virgins on Caversham Heights. A spokesman for the Church of England denied that the sacking was related to the sacrifices, but was on the ground of dishonesty after Mr. Zeebub claimed that there were virgins to be found in Coley Park.

Chief Superintendent Richard Bennett has complained about the Evening Post's reporting of travellers camping on the park in Cintra Avenue. He told us: "The police are not aware of any 'spate of thefts and damage to property' The police are also concerned that the wording that has been used seems to associate this traveller group with criminal activity. There is no evidence to support this inference and it could be seen as discriminatory against the traveller community to make such a comment when there are no crime reports documented to substaniate it. Quite clearly when our officers returned the chairs that had been removed from the back gardens of properties adjoining the park, they hadn't been stolen. And we have had no reports of criminal damage reported."

When we asked about the plant pots reported destroyed by local residents, he put his fingers in his ears and hummed "la-la-la-la, not listening".

Neighbourhood policing teams in Tilehurst have secured an extension to existing dispersal orders which have now been extended until 6am on October 2 this year.

The orders gives officers and police community support officers the following powers:

• To say: off you go you small boys.
• To wash out your mouth with coal tar soap.
• To tell people to not do that again.

The disperal orders for Tilehurst form an important part of the Reading area police strategy to tackle anti-social behaviour. A police spokesman told us: "With the renewal of the Tilehurst orders, the Oxford Road orders, the Caversham orders and the Newtown orders we're hoping that the problem of anti-social behaviour will be moved slowly eastwards into Wokingham before the police there can twig what we're up to."

Mick Spreader would like to thank David Sutton for the free publicity for this site. Come again!

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Unemployment in Reading has reached an all time high after years of zero unemployment. With more jobs available from Job Center Plus than there are claimants, employment prospects in Reading were amongst the best in the country, but not now new figures reveal.

The international credit crunch has caused many firms to start tightening their belts. One company specialising in community consultation and political liaison told us: "Unfortunately with the down turn in the property market we are afraid to say that there are only so many Senior Account Managers needed in a volatile market place, so we've had to let our newest recruit go. I don't think he'll be out of work for long, I'm sure there are other organisations out there who require the services of a senior bullshiter."

Reading's official unemployment total for April now stands at 1.