muckspReading

If you keep throwing punches, you're bound to hit something

"A tragic individual who should get out more." Martin Salter, Fishing Consultant

"A man who's (sic) only contribution to public life in Reading is to publish a scandal mongering website." David Sutton, Local Librarian

"A self-righteous little prick" An RBC Employee

Escaped Cycle Path On The Loose

The 67 year-old iconic Cycling Proficiency Test was passed for the very first time by supercyclist Tony Page during Cycling Test 2014 held by the renowned Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents in Reading on Saturday.

'Tony', a simulatation of a one legged trick unicyclist, was developed in the Civic Centre by the same team that created the council's web site.

If Tony Page is mistaken for a human more than 30% of the time during a series of five minute photo opportunities it passes the test. No deputy leader of the Labour Group has ever achieved this, until now when Tony managed to convince 33% of the reporters that it was human.

Professor Kevin Warwick, a Visiting Professor at the University of Reading, said: "No-one ever fact checks the bollocks I put out in the media before printing it so undoubtedly this milestone will go down in history as one of the most exciting for University of Reading's pile of old cobblers press releases."

Zero Public Impact

John Howarth
John Howarth pictured after SE Region European election results announced.

"Former Reading Borough and Berkshire County Councillor John Howarth is set to become one of Labour's new Members of the European Parliament."

"Most Labour activists are expecting to see a minimum of two seats returned this time round."

Tony Jones, 2nd August 2013

Mystic Jones will be revealing next week's lottery numbers later today on his blog.

Knotty Ill Carnival

Taking their cue from UKIP's Croydon mini-carnival, Reading UKIP launches their own ethnic diversity carnival ahead of the local elections.

A Local Vote, For Local People

Continuing our election 2014 coverage, here's our condensed local election manifestos:

Conservative : The opposite of whatever Labour promise. And Mark Ralph.

Labour : Give us all your dosh. We'll give it back if you vote Labour

Lib Dems : Yes to Reading wide 20 MPH zones. Er that's it

Green : Against absolutely everything. All the time.

UKIP : Your own personal road scheme. Unless you're a foreigner.

Roman Party Ave! : Ave, Cæsar, morituri te salutant.

A Pong for Europe

It's a tricky choice for Reading when the choices are: a nutter with a newspaper column; a failed Parliamentary candidate; Mr Juan Way-IDR; a moron who locked himself out of his own Hotmail account and blamed it on "dark forces"; a xenophobic expenses troughing public school pub bore; a man who would like us to live in caves and the best bus driver in Reading.

So to help you with making your mind up, here's our condensed European manifestos:

Conservative : Rule Britannia, three monkeys on a stick.

Labour : Maggie Maggie Maggie. Out Out Out!

Lib Dems : Yes to Europe wide 32 KPH zones

Green : Frack off.

UKIP : We hate Romanians.

Roman Party Ave! : I am not Romanian.

UCHIP Campaign Bus

A row has broken out amongst local Green candidates after the Green Party double decker visited Reading on the Euro and local election campaign trail.

One insider told us: "The vegans were all sulking on the top deck after discovering that the recycled chip shop oil used to power the bus had been used to fry fish and refused to come down for the election photographs."

A spokesperson for the vegetarian faction on the lower deck were prepared to be featured in publicity photographs and told assembled hacks and a passing duck: "We had no problems with the chip oil used to power this bus as we have been assured that the oil had only been used to fry saveloy's and everyone knows that there isn't any meat in them."