muckspReading

If you keep throwing punches, you're bound to hit something

"A tragic individual who should get out more." Martin Salter, Fishing Consultant

"A man who's (sic) only contribution to public life in Reading is to publish a scandal mongering website." David Sutton, Local Librarian

"A self-righteous little prick" An RBC Employee

Boring Old Art

Wheatfield with Crows

"Wheatfield with Crows" thought to be from Van Gogh's nappy period.

Reading Museum has unveiled plans to reopen a controversial exhibition of art treasures.

A museum spokesperson told us: "After the last embarrassing fiasco, we've had them authenticated by a man down the pub, who said he knew Van Gogh at school, and who told us that he can 100% guarantee that they are genuine paintings, done with oil paint and brushes.

"In any case we've been told we have to declare them genuine as Tony Page has already booked a session on Antiques Road Show and he doesn't want to have to put on a disappointed face at a low valuation." 

No Relief In Site

A local campaigner says he has been caught short by the water regulator Ofwat after complaining to them about public phone boxes. 

Mr Hora, 66¾, of Erleigh Court Gardens, said: “Ofwat is discriminating because I like to take the piss and when the letters page of the Reading Post is full, using a phone box is the only option available to me."

Ofwat spokeswoman Incontinentia Padds said: “Ofwat has been in regular contact with Mr Hora regarding his views on BT call boxes.

“We have provided detailed answers to Mr Hora’s questions during this time. And we will, of course, respond if Mr Hora raises any new and substantive matters with us regarding this.

"The current charge for use of a public lavatory is 20p compared with £75 fixed penalty fine for unrinating in public and we suggest that he uses one of them instead."

Escaped Cycle Path On The Loose

The 67 year-old iconic Cycling Proficiency Test was passed for the very first time by supercyclist Tony Page during Cycling Test 2014 held by the renowned Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents in Reading on Saturday.

'Tony', a simulatation of a one legged trick unicyclist, was developed in the Civic Centre by the same team that created the council's web site.

If Tony Page is mistaken for a human more than 30% of the time during a series of five minute photo opportunities it passes the test. No deputy leader of the Labour Group has ever achieved this, until now when Tony managed to convince 33% of the reporters that it was human.

Professor Kevin Warwick, a Visiting Professor at the University of Reading, said: "No-one ever fact checks the bollocks I put out in the media before printing it so undoubtedly this milestone will go down in history as one of the most exciting for University of Reading's pile of old cobblers press releases."

Zero Public Impact

John Howarth
John Howarth pictured after SE Region European election results announced.

"Former Reading Borough and Berkshire County Councillor John Howarth is set to become one of Labour's new Members of the European Parliament."

"Most Labour activists are expecting to see a minimum of two seats returned this time round."

Tony Jones, 2nd August 2013

Mystic Jones will be revealing next week's lottery numbers later today on his blog.

Knotty Ill Carnival

Taking their cue from UKIP's Croydon mini-carnival, Reading UKIP launches their own ethnic diversity carnival ahead of the local elections.

A Local Vote, For Local People

Continuing our election 2014 coverage, here's our condensed local election manifestos:

Conservative : The opposite of whatever Labour promise. And Mark Ralph.

Labour : Give us all your dosh. We'll give it back if you vote Labour

Lib Dems : Yes to Reading wide 20 MPH zones. Er that's it

Green : Against absolutely everything. All the time.

UKIP : Your own personal road scheme. Unless you're a foreigner.

Roman Party Ave! : Ave, Cæsar, morituri te salutant.