Reading Transport chiefs are planning to announce their most ambitious plan yet.

A planned upgrade of the notorious twin bridge bottle neck at Cow Lane will help speed traffic towards the Labour Party's proposed new bus lane congestion zone at Caversham Road. However, enterprising council bosses have come up with an ingenious scheme to take drivers minds of the jams by upgrading the rail track to incorporate a loop the loop.

"We think the new train loop will put the ding back into Reading and passengers waiting for a platform can look forward to hours of amusement."

Thousands of residents will be under starter's orders as the Reading Half-Wit Marathon looks set to continue well into the future.

Council Leader and Chief Executive David Sutton took time out from his name calling spat with Reading East MP Rob Wilson to tell us that he was very excited at the prospect:

"We asked our consultants if for a few extra hundred thousand in consultancy fees they could tailor the one way IDR, or Great Sutton Boulevard as we're planning on calling it, to host future Reading Half-Wit Marathons. They've done a wonderful job and come up with a design that will mean the course will be exactly 5 times around the one way IDR, er, if you add on an extra couple of miles. But just think how much we'll save organising the route in future. We won't even have to close the road because it'll be gridlocked anyway."

Former Half-wit Marathon organiser John Howarth told us of his plans to take part next year:

"I've always wanted to exercise my prerogative and now that I've stood down from the council to spend more time with my consultancies I'm looking forward to entering. I will however be running in the opposite direction to the flow of public opinion, but there's no change there."

Katesgrove Councillor Gul Khan sensationally refused to be photographed by a fan whilst driving his trademark black cab in Kendrick Road. Despite claiming to be one of Reading's best known taxi drivers Khan became annoyed when a passer-by attempted to take his picture at the wheel of his taxi.

"How dare you try to take a photograph of me. We all know that the only person in the Borough allowed to take pictures of councillors without asking permission is John Hartley. Anyway, I've been keeping a low profile since being elected, so I don't want my picture plastered all over the place. The shame, the embarrassment, being seen in the company of David Sutton. There's just so much a man can take.

"And now I keep getting flak about the one-way IDR. Well I love it, it'll add £3 to every taxi journey from the train station. Car drivers? String 'em up I say. It's the only language they understand. I had that John Reid in the back of my cab once. Diamond geezer. "

Martin Salter has denied wasting hundreds of pounds of council tax payers money by asking for a breakdown of the costs of changing the name of Reading to 'Reading-on-Thames', despite it being an obvious throw-away-remark by Reading East MP Rob Wilson.

"This accusation is cobblers," he said. "Reading Council already does my bidding so why would this small expenditure make a difference? We all know I own this town. Who's the Daddy? Come on, Who's the Daddy?

"Obviously if we'd got 'City' status changing our name to Reading City Council would have been money well spent... because I thought of it."

In a shock move it appears that the Reading Labour party have sensationally reselected Jane Griffiths as the Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for Reading East at the next election.

Suspicions were raised when 'Anneliese' sent a letter to the Reading Evening Post after collecting 267 signatures against drinking in public when violent attacks on students, graffiti and overflowing refuse collections seem to be the main problems in her target petition area Redlands.

One terrified resident told us: "She's slimmed down a bit and de-permed her hair, but it's definitely her. The sheer irrelevance of it to the local residents in an attempt to distract their attention from the real problems is the real give-away. I can definitely see Jane's hand behind this petition. It's the Reading Biscuit Train fiasco all over again."

One Labour insider has acted swiftly to reassure voters. "Don't worry, we'll have her deselected before you can say 'stabbed in the back'."

As a public service we decided to check on the official line on democracy in Reading and what do you know, just what we suspected - local democracy is broken!

Tell us something new.

Local Greens have been racked by internal strife after a concerted effort to boost their vote in Park ward called into question their core beliefs. Rob White and Adrian Windisch were said to have had a sit down argument over a soya milkshake because of the amount of shoe leather being consumed by their delivery runs.

"Just how many cows had to die for this attempt to get doped up students to waste their votes before they all get jobs as stockbrokers and start voting Tory?"

Rob White responded vigorously to the unfounded accusation:
"How dare you suggest that I exploit animals? I wear synthetic shoes and caffeine is the real drug danger for students. Think of the planet, won't somebody think of the planet?"

"Okay then, just how many prehistoric forests had to die before they were pumped out of the ground and turned into synthetic rubber in this attempt to get doped up students to waste their votes before they all get jobs as stockbrokers and start voting Tory?"

The Green Party in response have issued a statement: "We would like to emphasise that it is not our policy to tell our core voters to grow up and get a haircut. Who'd vote for us?"

Conservative candidates in Reading have refused to comment on a leak of their local election strategy.

Their plans include doing absolutely no canvassing or indeed any local electioneering work whatsoever until three days before the election when a super glossy colour leaflet will drop through the doors of every home in Reading urging the undecided to look at the pretty colours and vote blue. The election strategy hinges on the leaflet convincing the electorate that David is a super spliffing, er, spiffing guy. 

An unnamed Tory strategist commented: "Duh, this leak is quite clearly inaccurate. Obviously we're not going to waste our postage in Whitley."

So you've been wondering how Labour come up with their election material, well here's how they do it.

1. Pose with blank piece of card
2. Get your mates to add in the slogan later. Now where's a Design and Communications Agency when you need one?
3. In fact... where's a spell checker when you need one?

Your Conservative Katesgrove Ward candidate is Mohinder Singh.

You will probably know him as “Ricky” from “MOTEST READING”, the world famous MOT test centre. Ricky is only too pleased to hear your concerns and issues and will help to resolve them, especially if your clutch is playing up.

If elected Ricky promises to work tyre-lessly to serve on your behalf. If the Reading East Conservative MP Rob Wilson can help you in any way then please let Ricky know and he will personally send Rob an email to save you having to start up Outlook.

Ricky summed up why he is standing in a ward he drives through occasionally on the way to the famous MOTEST READING and on the occasions when he visits the equally world famous MOTEST SWINDON:

“You may be wondering why I have chosen to stand as a Conservative Candidate in your ward. I have lived in Reading for a long time and I offer the best MOT services available. Well, now I want to extend my services to help the wider community within the ward by using my election material to inform you that MOTEST READING is the best MOT test centre in Reading. I don't think I can say that enough. Once again it's MOTEST READING.

I truly believe in community service and am offering myself as the Conservative Candidate because time has come for a change in Katesgrove Ward - a change for the better! One which sees you stop using your local Katesgrove Southampton Street Garage and 4 Bays in Mount Pleasant, but instead will see you visit the excellent MOTEST READING in Abbey Ward.

I hope very much that I will be able to count on your cash when your MOT runs out."

The Labour Party have been ordered to stop their phone-in competition line known as 'Join Labour' after it was revealed that they were using an 0870 number which costs more than the normal geographic rates and which some providers charge up to 10 pence a minute to call.

Suspicions that this was a scam designed to fleece the public were raised when a caller heard the following recorded message:

Thank you for calling Join Labour, Please select from one of the following options:

1. I would like to fleece the tax payer by taking on a PFI deal
2. I'm in a spot of bother with the Serious Fraud Office and would like you to stop their investigations.
3. I would like a peerage

A Labour spokesman was unrepentant. "The Tories also use an 0870 number for recruiting and at the moment we're more likely to offer you the chance to actually win a prize."