"Psst. Want a parking permit?"

Battle residents have been warned that a con man has been seen in the area offering local residents extra parking permits to park in their own streets.

A local Neighbourhood Watch Alliance member told us: "Beware, he is a slippery customer. His mode of operation is to gain your confidence and your vote,  screw up things, discover he is unpopular because he's screwed things up then desperately try to put right the damage before you notice it was him who ballsed it up in the first place."

Whilst Reading politicians have been concerned with local issues into the run up to the council elections we can reveal that Gareth Epps, the Liberal Democrat Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for Reading East, has been pre-occupied with letter boxes.

We have discovered that Gareth has but his name down to a petition on the Downing Street Petition web site asking that letter boxes be:

• Located at a clear height
• Easy to post through
• Designed to allow leaflets to be posted without destroying them
• Designed to protect people's hands when posting
• Dog proof

The local Labour and Tory parties have sneered at what they say is Gareth's attention to trivial matters, but he told us: "Of course the Tory party don't think it's important. When was the last time they hand delivered a leaflet in Reading?"

The petition gathered a derisory 465 signatures.

PR Executives at Reading Borough Council have denied accusations of political bias after it was revealed that out of 103 press releases in 2007, 89 of them contained comments only from Labour councillors and the 14 'neutral' releases were mostly about the Mayor's charities and urging people to register to vote. There was also an unexplained 33% jump in the number of Press Releases in the run up to the local elections.

Josef Goebbels head of sanitised news stories at Reading Borough Council told us: "Of course there's no bias, we know that Reading citizens are eager to read about Steve Waite's views of National Nappy Week, Catherine Wilton's comments about planting two trees or Pete Ruhemann's thoughts about the lack of canoeing after the scout hut burned down. How dare anyone suggest that we publish their fatuous and banal comments to give them free publicity at council tax payers expense? However, if anyone would like a photo-op with any of the council officers, give us a call. The Chief Executive is quite happy to be available for publicity pics supporting the one way IDR. Pass the sealing wax!"

The local Labour party have denied putting undue pressure on Reading Borough Council officers. "Why would we?" said one insider, "when we have Martin Salter to do that for us."

Accusations that Labour councillors have been using civil servants for party political ends have been rubbished by Steve Waite, Lead Councillor for trash and filth

"It is pure coincidence," he told us, "that someone who started working for the council in January suddenly remembered some research she did back in Belfast before she joined us so we could put it out in a press release paid for by the council tax payers just in time for the local elections because we've been getting flack on the door steps because of the mess we've made of the rubbish collections."

We asked leading research biologist Sam O'Neller for his comments on the story. "Of course the bacteria in the fortnightly collected bins die after two weeks. Do you think you could live that long in that stink?"

Reading Borough Council has revealed that it has been working with Thames Valley Energy Centre in Oxfordshire to draft a Climate Change Strategy for Reading.

However, a closer look at the plans reveals the true nature of the scheme. An unnamed mole in the Environmental Services department told us: "It is true that councillors are concerned about the effects of global warming on the town, but don't be fooled - it's not because of concern about the environment. They may look like wind turbines, but in actual fact they are huge fans being sited near councillors' homes, so that when global warming really takes off,  they'll be able to switch them on and have a nice cooling breeze during their barbeques and soirees."

A more sinister use for the Green Park turbine has also been discovered after a secret control room at the Civic Offices was found by cleaners. We can reveal that the sewage treatment plant next to the A33 relief road has been designed so that the onion shaped effluent digesters can be opened and the Whitley Whiff directed to any part of the town refusing to obey council directives by adjusting the direction of the blades. 

Nigel Howe, nephew of Arsenal's former manager Don Howe and now Chief Executive at the Madejski has claimed that Reading Football Club has the potential to be bigger than Arsenal.

"People may laugh now, but you can see that we're right on track. The similarities between the two clubs is amazing: Like Arsenal we're expanding our stadium.  Arsenal have been criticised for traffic problems on match days and we have the A33 relief road traffic lights fiasco. Arsenal entertain European matches and we have the U-21 England team here in Euro qualifiers regularly. London is only half an hour away so we have a massive catchment area to draw our support from and we have a far better record in the Simod Cup than they do."

Arsène Wenger despite backing Steve Coppell for Manager of the Year, wasn't prepared to back Nigel Howe's vision for Reading. "I think he's being a little ambitious. If instead he'd said that in a year's time Reading could be bigger than Spurs, then I'd have to say he has a very good chance."

Launching their election bandwagon the Green party have announced their own plans for the IDR which involves grassing it over. The particular type of grass is still to be decided by the Green inner sanctum, but a variant of skunk is the current favourite.

Caroline Lucas the Green MEP for the Hopefully Voters Here Can't Be Arsed So We'll Sneak In constituency said: "Of course we're dead against the one way IDR, because we're also completely against the internal combustion engine and any bugger who uses it. It's the most evil thing on the planet since the introduction of haricot beans to the British diet. We demand the restoration of Saxon dwellings to Reading and some nut roast sacrifices to please the Mother Goddess. Let's hope the idiots who think they can make a protest and not also have to give up their Vauxhall Corsas will still vote for us."

Whilst our investigative reporter Albert O'Balsom was trawling Google for dirt, he dug up the Liberal Democrat candidate for Abbey ward Warren Swaine's 2004 election video.

We tracked him down and he told us: "Clearly my manifesto didn't appeal enough to the masses as the Cartoon Network cancelled 'The Powerpuff Girls'."

[Please note: this video is currently in Windows Media Format only. Other formats coming soon.]

Reading Liberals Democrats have raided the kindergarten to field 18 year old Mark Mills as a prospective councillor in Church ward.

Mark didn't think that his inexperience would be a handicap: "I don't think it will be an issue. Long summer holidays, drinking, wasting tax payers money and sitting around all day watching 'Tricia'? I think I'll cope with the life of a Reading councillor. It's going back to being a student  that I'm worried about. "

Lead councillor for children's services in Reading, Pete Ruhemann has expressed delight at the figures putting Reading in the lead when it comes to teenage pregnancies in the South East. He told us: "It's great news, vindication of local council policies and proof that Reading girls are finally on top."

The man responsible for Reading's pregnant teens continued: "I don’t think there’s one simple answer to why girls in Reading are getting pregnant. If there were one simple answer we would have solved it by now. I know some of you out there rather simplistically think that it's because they are having unprotected sex at an early age. but that cannot be true. I just don't believe it.

"But rest assured, this is something we are taking very seriously. I'm pleased to say that Reading Borough Council's stork eradication programme is now in full swing, Parks and Open Spaces are chopping down any mulberry bushes they find and Environmental Health are aggressively dealing with any reports of birds and bees. The closure of The Matrix nightclub should also help reduce these figures."