After it was revealed that local Tories had vetoed plans to site a new bottle bank in Peppard, local councillor Mark Ralph was forced to give his reasons: "I am quite dismayed by David Cameron turning his back on the idea that selection does not work and we can guarantee that your local Tory councillors are quite prepared to make a principled stand on such an important local matter. Unless the Council bring in separate facilities for recycling Dom Pérignon and Beaujolais Nouveau bottles, we will oppose any new bottle banks in Peppard. I can't see how our constituents can be expected to share their bottle banks with Caversham scum from the Amersham Road estate and their reassuringly chav like Chardonnay bottles. Where will it end? Stella Artois bottles recycled into Veuve Clicquot magnums? It's no coincidence that Caversham is an anagram of Chav-mares."

Martin Salter has angered Reading Borough Council officials by issuing a formal complaint against them for the disclosure of information under the Data Protection Act in an attempt to stem the growing ridicule his support of the restriction of access to MPs' correspondance has attracted.

"How dare they release anything without my authority," he complained. "There are clearly designed procedures to prevent this abuse of the law. The Council must always ring me first to check that I'm happy with every word they publish and quite clearly on this occassion they have failed in their duty to protect their local MP. My letter of complaint to the Information Commissioner is, of course, private correspondance between myself and him, which is why I have asked my secretary to copy it to every possible media outlet I can think of."

Council Spokeman Oscar Mortali refused to comment on the complaint: "We haven't cleared our response with Mr. Salter yet, but we'll get back to you as soon as we have."

The Reading West MP has also rounded on Liberal Parliamentary candidate Gareth Epps for 'jumping on the media bandwagon'. "Mr. Epps is clearly an amateur at this game and I suggest that he takes a tip from the expert when it comes to jumping on bandwagons - ME. He should start practicing on skateboards first. Once he's mastered them he could try supermarket trolleys with wobbly wheels and only then should he dare follow me on to the full size media bandwagon."

Large areas of West Reading are to be covered by a new dispersal order under the Anti-Social Behaviour Act 2003. Areas including Tilehurst, Norcot, Southcote and Battle are due to be served with the order which will allow the police and police community support officers to ask young people to go to Whitley if they want to carry on causing trouble.

Tony Page, Lead Councillor for Community Regeneration, said: "This is a great step forward in grabbing headlines for an initiative which will con the people of Reading into thinking we're tackling the problem of youth crime, when in fact there will be no more police on the street to enforce it and our community support officers have no powers of arrest anyway."

Reading Borough Council have taken out an injunction against the anti-capitalist squatters who have taken over and transformed the derelict land behind the former Womens' Information Centre in Silver Street into a 'Community Garden'.

Council Spokesman Chris Branighan said: "How dare they clean up the used condoms and hypodermic syringes and turn it into a nice usable green space? Until we have carried out a full risk assessment and issued the appropriate Health and Safety certificates these squatters are behaving in a totally irresponsible manner. At least when it was derelict and unusable any child injured here was trespassing and not due a penny in compensation, but now it's been cleaned up and looking nice people might expect the Council to keep it that way. Won't somebody think of the children?"

"Anyway, we are seeking possession of the premises, and as soon as this has been achieved we will secure the site pending imminent demolition of the existing properties and disposal of the land for more yuppie rabbit hutches, because we know that is what the people of Katesgrove are crying out for, not some pathetic community area."

There were sensational scenes at the Wednesday's Planning Committee meeting when Councillor Jo Lovelock stood up to read a prepared statement about former Councillor Azam Janjua.

"I am aware of this man's totally unacceptable behaviour towards women. Martin Salter told me all about it so it must be true," she told a hushed gallery. "In this town the only people allowed to harrass women are Labour Party members, just ask Jane Griffiths. And whilst Mr. Janjua was a member of the Labour party I was happy to keep quiet, but now he's a Tory I want everyone to know what a despicable man he is."

Her husband, fellow councillor Peter Ruhemann also got up and left, telling the gallery: "Sorry, I have to go as well or I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. You know what she's like when she gets in one of these moods."

The new Tory boy responded to the accusations: "I've no idea where that silly bitch got the idea that I behave unacceptably towards women."

‘Robo prof’ Kevin Warwick says he’d be prepared to insert tracker microchips into Reading Borough Councillors if there is enough public support.

Amid growing public concern about Councillors who are elected and then just disappear, the University of Reading cybernetics expert has been bombarded with hundreds of requests from residents for Big Brother-style ID microchips to keep track of the elusive politicians.

Prof Warwick, said: "We're all sick of it. They knock on your door at election time, but when you want a parking scheme or your bin collections sorted, it's like 'call me when I get off the plane'. I'll show the lazy so-and-sos."

As well as tracking movements, the chips will detect whether Councillors are snoozing during committee meetings or having a lie-in when they should be going to residents surgeries, and deliver a small electric shock.

Reading Evening Post Reporter John Howarth sensationally 'lost it' during an interview where he attempted to expose The Church of IDRology. During an interview with Howard Thomas, a chief IDRologist of Thetan level, Mr. Howarth repeatedly called him a dangerous cult (or at least our reporter thinks he said 'cult').

The tomato faced reporter carried on ranting: "You were not there. You did not see the other plans because we didn't let you see them. You were not there."

The former Reading councillor is hoping to expand his media horizons. As well as starting a new career as a reporter, he is planning to appear soon on Channel 4's 'Non-entity Wife Swap'.

Reading's education chiefs are hailing the success of the new adventure playgound at Katesgrove School. Rubbishing reports on the BBC's web site that it was a health hazard and responsible for injuries to pupils, the Council have instead insisted that plans are afoot to roll out the controversial project to other schools with Whitley being given top priority.

Adrian Smith head of Planning and Projects in the Education department said: "This superb new education facility will stand the children of Katesgrove in good stead for surviving on the streets. The broken ground, smashed glass, used condoms and hypodermic needles provide valuable life skills which are necessary for life in Reading. And if they don't like it, we can always flog it off to a developer."

Unusually, no Lead Councillor could be found to make a fatuous remark for the record.

Reading Borough Council has been swift to act after Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly announced that councils could sell off public assets on the cheap. Reading Chief Executive Tricia Haines has announced a ground breaking deal to sell Reading lock, stock and barrel to the people who designed the one way IDR, Peter Brett Associates for £1.

"Why not? For years they've been sending us their 'crazy' ideas which has saved the Council a hell of a lot of time and effort trying to screw things up ourselves. They own most of the town already: Thames Valley Park, Green Park, Kennet Valley Park. Junction 11, Reading City Transport 2020 and the One Way IDR are all their work so we're confident that we've done the right thing," she told us. "Irate drivers late for work after being stopped by PBA 'researchers' will already know that they have the Police working for them. We've been rubber stamping their schemes for years, so I can't see any change to most citizens. And with Labour expected to lose power next year, something had to be done to protect PBA profits from the vagaries of the ballot box."

Reading Borough Council's Cabinet have voted for 26 year old Tom Crisp to take over as Lead Councillor for Transport Strategy despite admitting that he rarely drives around Reading as he catches the train to work. "The public really need to understand that we must do something about all the cars in town because they keep getting in the way of my bike. I've already had a few ideas of my own. Think back to the turn of the 20th century when there was very little congestion on our roads. I don't think it's any co-incidence that the abolition of the man walking in front of the car carrying a red flag led to an explosion in traffic. It's something we should seriously investigate reinstating."

Jon Howarth, the former transport supremo who chickened out of standing at the recent elections, said: "As someone who doesn't drive much in town, Tom is well qualified to bugger up the roads. I have every confidence that he'll carry on my good work."

A well placed source has claimed that a well known Thames Valley politician is sensationally about to defect to another party.

Our political analyst told us: "No, it's not Azam Janjua, our source said it was a well known politician."

Speculation was mounting that Boris Johnson, MP for Henley-on-Thames, was planning to resign the whip after he told a fringe meeting of the Association of Italian Barbershops: "One of my good chums in Reading sent me a copy of the Roman Party's manifesto and there is a lot in there I can commend to the country. It makes jolly more sense to me than the Tory manifesto. I like their wizzo idea of sending prisoners to foreign jails and Scotland seems a spiffingly marvellous place for that purpose. I shall have to have a word with that cad Martin Salter over canapes about the Roman Party's pledge to publish MPs' expenses in the local papers because it's something that would need cross party support. I'm just going to try on this toga. I wonder why they call it a toga. It looks like a sheet to me. The Tongalese natives probably use it wrap up their relatives before they boil them. Oh Cripes! I'm not going to have to apologise again am I?"

Microsoft have given backing to a new initiative by Reading East MP Rob Wilson, the Portcullis Business Club.

Tory Shadow Chancellor George Osbourne told a packed audience of freeloading hacks: "Microsoft are the perfect match for the Conservative business community. In fact the parallels between Microsoft and the Tories are uncanny. Their product promises are overblown; they often fall over with no warning; if you don't have enough money for top of the range hardware they don't want to know you; like railway privatisation they can cost a fortune to put right when the system screws up; when you look under the bonnet it's exactly the same as the old system you thought you were replacing. And exactly like the Conservatives they believe that by spending more money on marketing rather than on improving the underlying product, they can get you to vote for them with your wallet. Suckers!"

Rik Willis has acted angrily to reports that the Conservative Party put up non-residents of Reading as candidates at the local elections.

The litigous politico said: "It's not true and I will use the sword of truth and trusty shield of fair play and the lottery that is the libel courts to prove that that sometime in April I asked to be removed from the Sutton register just in time for the May issue. So yah boo sucks."

However, when it was pointed out it wasn't his residency being questioned but Wokingham residents, succesful Park ward candidate Wazir "Tyson" Hussain and Ricky 'Never Seen In Katesgrove ' Singh he changed his tack: "Look we may have implied that they were local, we just didn't say exactly where they were local too."

Martin Salter has given his full backing to a bid to restrict access to MPs' expenses under the Freedom of Information Act.

The serial worm drowner explained: "As the act exists it is a fundamental breach of Parliamentary democracy. Once elected MPs should be allowed to get away with whatever we like without fear that some nosey journalist will uncover something unsavoury. It's an unwritten law of Westminster politics: 'If you have something to hide you have something to fear' and we do not want to put off future parliamentarians from getting their snouts in the trough by the worry that they could get caught."

In a shock move, the BBC has announced that David Tennant will be leaving Doctor Who after the Christmas special. A BBC Spokesman told us: "David told us it was his lifetime's ambition to appear with Kylie and now was an ideal time for a change. We started to look around immediately for a complete unknown and we'd heard that a talented character actor was suddenly available at very short notice. Then when we asked the people of Redlands what they thought of Peter Kayes and they all replied 'Peter who?' we all agreed that he was ideal for the role."

Pictured here with his new glamorous assistant, Anneliese, he remarked, "You know, I love having a time machine: I can pop back to 1997 when Labour were popular and the Council actually emptied the bins. Plus the sonic screwdriver comes in handy for drowning out Anneliese when she gets too shrill or starts talking rubbish - which is pretty much all the time."

New Tilehurst councillor Chris Harris has thrown a strop after he was told that he was not going to be selected as Mayor of Reading.

"I've been a councillor for at least a week," he told us, "and I've not been offered the position yet. It's a bloody disgrace!"

Tory leader Fred Pugh refused to give us a comment.

Council Bosses have hailed a revolutionary half private/half public scheme which will see traffic management in Reading revolutionised.

Drivers will be able to access the latest traffic information, either from their home or from their cars, helping them to better plan their journeys and avoid jams. Bus information will also be enhanced to give passengers a more accurate picture of when their next bus will turn up by permanently displaying: "Next Bus: Your Guess Is as Good As Mine" on the bus shelter displays.

David Sutton, leader of the Council said: "This is a really exciting step forward for transport and for public information in Reading. Not only will the bus information be more accurate, but using the latest in GPS technology anyone accessing the system from their car using a mobile phone will be automatically fined, which will go a long way towards balancing the books. They'll also be able to pay their fines for kerb crawling in Western Elms Avenue without having to visit the magistrates court."

Fresh from her appearance on the BBC's Politics Show, the Franklin Mint is proud to announce a limited edition Anneliese Dodds doll.

This fully working model will nod ad-nauseum in agreement with Tony Page. Comes with bucket of sand so you can bury her head in it, just like she does when an unpopular Labour policy is mentioned in an interview.

• Doesn't mention the war... Any more.
• Three speech settings: 'quiet', 'grating', 'made up rubbish'.
• Dances to Martin Salter's Tune.

Unfortunately, we are unable to deliver to addresses in Billericay.

Tory Leader Fred Pugh has threatened to stand down if he isn't selected as Mayor of Reading after Lib Dem Peter Beard was selected as deputy mayor ahead of him. The long serving councillor has once again been passed over for selection, which he puts down to petty vindictiveness about comments he made over 20 years ago.

In a major fit of throwing his toys out of his pram, he said: "I'll give them one more year. They are spreading lies about my times working on the railways. I don't care what the Reading Labour Party says, I did not eat 120 passengers. I ate the seats, I ate the floormats, just like they told us. Eat one lousy foot and they call you a cannibal. What a world."

A notorious tagging crew only identified by the tag @¥uß has been accussed of dirty tricks by the leader of the Roman Party in the local elections after 3 metre high graffiti bearing the legend "Romani ite Domum" was daubed on the Abbey ruins.

Jean Pascual, leader of the 2,000 year old Roman Party complained: "The slogan was clearly visible throughout the whole election campaign. I complained to the council and they did nothing until they were over. This is, how you say, the game of the chicken? Or Fowl play?"

A Council spokesman refuted the claim of any political bias. "Our well publicised anti-graffiti programme is available to all. Only the other day we got a letter of thanks from local resident, a Mr. D. Sutton of Eldon Place, thanking us for the swift removal of some graffiti that was lowering the tone of his neighbourhood."

Reading Labour Party have 'booby trapped' their web site so that people following links from the Reading Lib Dems site or Richard Hall's personal web site are greated with an annoying pop-up message deriding their opponents results in the 2005 General Election.

Hidden in the pages comments are: "Well done Richard, you're not just a pretty face then but there was no need to be rude - how many domains do you own by the way. Lots of love KGU.

Richard Hall himself was unavailable for comment, but Reading Trading Standards are looking into claims of misrepresentation after his web site claimed that he is an 'irrepressible Political Activist'. One Officer told us: "The Liberals poor efforts in Park ward this year do lead us to believe that this is an obviously false claim."

Reading's ruling executive has pledged to make the shock Labour loss of Katesgrove and Church wards a thing of the past with the announcement of a consolidation of ward boundaries.

"We pulled out all the stops to make sure the grass was cut and deployed as many Street Care teams as we could on election day, but it seems it still wasn't good enough to avert defeat. So revenge will be swift and brutal."

"With immdiate affect Katesgrove and Redlands will have a 1,000 Labour supporting sheep added to their electorate and as for those snobs in Church ward, wait till they find out that we've moved thousands of them into Whitley. Let's see what they think of their home contents insurance premiums rocketing. That'll teach the ungrateful bastards a lesson."

Peter Kayes has accused the Liberal Democrat winner in Redlands of underhand tactics in the local elections.

"I have it on good authority that she changed her name by deed poll from Erzsebet Bathory to Kirsten Bayes to deliberately confuse the voters," said a stunned Peter Kayes. "Think about it. Bayes/Kayes? And she stood for a party beginning with an 'L'. I think the voters of Redlands were deliberately mislead. I mean, it can't possibly have been because our policies were unpopular."

Victory Celebrations

The big winners in the 2007 local council elections were once again the Reading Apathy Party. A massive 69% backed their manifesto pledge: "What Do We Want, Whatever! When Do We Want It? Am I Bovvered?"

The leader of the local Apathy Party, Mr. Bill Ocks told us: "The council always gets in, so what's the point of voting? Anyway we can always rely on our core vote... Students to sleep in until 3 o'clock, then claim that they have an essay to write about the  'Dielectic Nature of Empirical Formulation of Neighbours."