Two Police Community Support Officers say they were verbally abused at the Reading and Wokingham Country Show.

"We were wandering up and down minding our own business when one man shouted out: 'Look out! It’s the pigs!' I'm not a pig - everyone knows we're not real police officers. It was really distressing. I tried to get a proper policeman to arrest him for harrassment, but before he arrived the man evaded me by walking around the corner. With criminal masterminds like that on the loose in the Thames Valley we urge everyone to be alert."

The PCSOs were also upset by members of the public mistaking them for 16 years olds after they were offered sweeties whilst on duty.

Plans for more than 42,000 new homes in the Greater Reading area published by independent planning inspectors responding to the 20-year South East Plan drawn up by the South East England Regional Assembly (SEERA) have drawn criticism from the Leader of Wokingham Council.

Councillor Frank Browne told us: "I recognise the need for more housing but our roads are seriously congested, public transport is poor, our schools need significant capital investment and we don't have enough doctors' surgeries or leisure facilities throughout the borough. I guess that serves you right for voting Conservative."

The "Reading's Entertaining Autumn Awaits" press release from the Council's marketing department has been deemed offensive after triggering the Council's 'adult content' email filters and quarantined, resulting in Council employees being unable to read their own press releases.

Investigation into the text of the message to see what had triggered the filter showed that contrary to initial thoughts 'puppetry of the penis' was not the culprit for the rejection but instead the adult filter seemed to have been offended by the words 'Graeme Hoskin'. Any organisations wishing to protect their staff from similar drivel are urged to update their own spam filters accordingly. More generic protection can be added by looking for the words 'lead councillor for'

The Scours Lane traffic scheme, part of the £515m Reading Station redevelopment is at risk after a rare species of lizard was found on the Cow Lane Allotments, although so far it has only been spotted by one of the allotment holders fighting to save their patch of dirt.

Leader of the Council David Sutton was adamant that the discovery would not thwart his plans. "I don't see why the little lizards should get protection," he told us, although we do believe that he may have been referring to the allotment holders. He continued: "Council inspectors will be visiting the site in hob-nailed boots to verify the claims."

The allotment holders, however, are confident that the Yangtse River Dolphin, the Siberian tiger and the dodo will be found hiding in the Cow Lane allotments over the coming months.

This year's local freeloaders too proud to share their toilets with real festival goers were:

• Kirsten Bayes (Lib)
• Daisy Benson (Lib)
• Gareth Epps (Lib)
• Tom Crisp (Lab)
• John Ennis (Lab)
• Jon Hartley (Lab)
• Graeme Hoskin (Lab)
• Catherine Wilton (Lab)
• Anita Cacchioli (Head of Environment, Culture & Sport)

No Tories? Probably at home in their Caversham mansions, supping their cocoa and writing angry letters to the Evening Post complaining about loud music in the modern idiom.

Postscript

• Isobel Ballsdon (Con)
  Watched Razorlight - anyone who knows anything was at Ash

If you spotted any others, let us know!

ANYONE travelling around Reading this weekend has been urged to use public transport. Some 80,000 people are expected at this year’s rock festival and the council is gearing up for some huge profiteering at festival goers' expense.

Reading’s mathematically challenged lead councillor for transport Tom Crisp said: “Last year we fleeced festival goers of thousands of pounds and this year we'd like to rip-off locals as well by urging them to use public transport. With a fare costing £1.50 each to get to the festival site and a full black cab costing less than a fiver, we hope that people don't work it out for themselves and save £2.50 by getting a taxi instead of paying our over-inflated bus fares."

REVELLERS at this year’s Reading Festival are being warned to expect chaos after recent flooding reduced the number of campsites, but organisers believe that they have put in place a comprehensive plan to reconfigure the site.

The main change is that some camping will move to the orange campsite. The drop off point will remain but there will be no parking. The main parking area will now be in the white campsite. Fans who park there are strongly advised to also camp there and the boat service has been increased from the white campsite. On Wednesday and Thursday, the boat will only drop at the brown campsite and from Friday the boats will go to brown but also to the green campsite. An extra service will run on Saturday away from the festival site for fans trying to avoid The View. Fans are reminded that they must follow instructions from the boat master or Funeral For A Friend will be playing additional sets on Friday and Saturday. Red is fine, but this is reserved for Councillors and Council Officers performing 'fact finding' visits. Green A is ok and parts of green F, G and H but the rest of green will not be usable. Yellow will be open in the main but parts may be boggy, especially around the male toilet areas. Brown will also be ok but with some unusable areas. White is 90 per cent usable. Blue is closed from 0630 to 0820 on Friday and Monday. Pinky Greeny Browny will remain open during the Razorlight set, but fans wishing to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers should be aware that Purple will be closed during 'Under The Bridge'.

Colour blind festival goers have been warned to stay away.

Reading Borough Council's favourite traffic consultants, Peter Brett Associates, have rejected criticism of the Market Place pedestriansation project after it was attacked by bus users for causing long delays. One angry passenger told us: "Any idiot could have told you that by sending all the traffic down a one way street with not enough room for the buses to stop and overtake without blocking the flow would lead to gridlock."

A spokeman for PBA hit back. "Maybe any idiot would have been able to tell you but we don't employ idiots, only highly paid consultants. We put all the figures into our Reading City (sic) Centre traffic model and it predicted huge profits for us, so we think the scheme has been a great success."

International cycling stars are heading to Reading for the second leg of the prestigious Tour of Britain race next month. The race takes place over seven days in September and will feature top althletes being chased around the country by drug testers.

The race which attracts competitors from across the world, including cheats from the Tour de France will start at Palmer Park, follow London Road down the pavement, before racing through the pedestrianised areas of Broad Street, through the mall, past the civic offices before finishing the second stage at the Coronation Square BMX park in Southcote where the cyclists can restock their drug supplies from the local dealers.

Highlights of the event will be screened on national TV – with BBC News 24 giving Reading prime time publicity, as the anti-doping experts descend on the town.

Wokingham Council have finally put the last nail in the Ryeish Green School coffin by rejecting pleas for it to become a trust school. Tearful teachers and residents have pledged to fight on but Wokingham Council Leader Frank Browne told the meeting: "Take your Reading chavs and go somewhere else. Your sort aren't wanted in Wokingham. We've got more than enough schools for our voters. Sod your children's education you Reading scum. Now stop bugging me, I've got to get to get back to work at Green Issues to lobby for more housing developments in the area."

Rob Wilson has pledged to mount the rolling bandwagon to save the school. "Look what happens when you leave the Tories in charge of education. Bring back grammar schools I say, er sorry, I wasn't meant to read that out until after the next election."

Reading Borough Council will be holding a Funday to take students' minds of their GCSE results. A bucking bronco, surfboard, bungee run and an assault course will be among the attractions at the event, to distract attention away from the girls crying their eyes out because they've realised their only chance of getting on the property ladder is to get pregnant.

On hand to help them celebrate will be McDonald's who will be signing up Reading's most gifted students for burger flipping degrees at Hamburger University, JD Wetherspoons will conducting entrance exams for the bar and Prudential will be flying in a class from Mumbai to show the kids who will be doing their jobs in the future.

Deborah Edwards, Assistant Lead Councillor for Children's Services, said: "This is a splendid way to celebrate the many years of piss-poor education in Reading which is why we can look forward to record results, because let's face it, they can't possibly get any worse."

Rob Wilson, Shadow Education minister, will also be on hand if there are any journalists there to take credit for coaching Katie Scott from Whitley who is predicted to single handedly increase Reading's pass rate by an astonishing 100% by getting a B in Domestic Science.

There's loads to do in Reading during the Summer Holidays:

• Street Painting
  Why not learn how to 'tag'? Our expert Hawk will show you how to get the maximum exposure.
• Hanging with Da Bros
  Too much time on your hands? The Addington Store is a great place to hang out. Even better, because this isn't in a dispersal zone the police can't be arsed to move you on.

Holiday Activities
This section will be updated throughout the year with details of the holiday programmes and activities being run by Reading Borough Council.
Disclaimer
Every effort was made to ensure that these details were correct at the time of being published which is why there is nothing for you to do.

Reading Liberal Democrats are planning a massive token gesture to solve Reading's congestion problems after holding a transport strategy focus group.

Ricky Duveen told us: "After the grand plans by Labour for the One Way IDR, the Tories' plans to sell off Reading Buses and the Greens' plans to carpet the IDR with grass, we felt that we too needed a wholly unworkable scheme to take to the electorate. And we think we've hit the jackpot. There's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail. I swear it's Reading's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!"

Councillors Rik Willis and Mark Ralph have been accused of stealing credit for a duck crossing which was in fact the result of community action. Local residents are said to be incandescent after the Tory flyboy and his chum were pictured in the Reading Morning Post next to a duck crossing sign.

Cllr. Richard Willis told us: "It's not true that local residents had anything to do with the scheme. Councillor Ralph and myself thought it all up all by ourselves. We had no idea that it had already been adopted by former councillor Annette Hendry and the local residents' association. It was all our idea I tell you. Just like the super fantastic MP for Reading East, Rob 'Dream Boy' Wilson, came up with the brilliant Reading station upgrade all by himself."

This is not the first time the Tories have been accused of taking the credit for things they hadn't done after Councillor Willis previously claimed he was responsible for the fall of the Berlin Wall, averting the Cuban missile crisis, leading the Dambusters' raid on the Ruhr dams and the signing of the Magna Carta.

Young people in west Reading are working with community artist Lord Summerisle to build a large combustible structure (a 'wicker man') in the shape of former councillor Jon Howarth.

Lord Summerisle was excited by the prospect of bringing together groups of young people aged 13-19 by enabling them to work on a joint project. He told us about his plans: "Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A small child is even better, but not NEARLY as effective as the right kind of council official or councillor."

If you would like to involve your child in satanic rituals please contact Head High Priestess Anita Cacchioli, Reading Borough Council Pagan Rites Department, or as it is otherwise more commonly known, Culture and Sport.

Thames Valley Police has denied that training 16 year old Police Community Support Officers will undermine confidence in the police.

"It is true that under current dispersal orders, any member of the public who feels that feel that they are being harrassed by these youths may simply tell them to 'go home sonny' and they will be obliged to comply lest they break the orders," said a Thames Valley Police spokesman. "However, they reflect the community in which they serve, that includes all ages, genders and races. To further enforce this representation, as well as 16 years olds, we're also going to be deploying crack dealers as PCSOs in Dee Road and prostitutes will be patrolling Western Elms Avenue."

The Reading West MP has accused Eastern European immigrants of 'coming over here and taking our fish'. Martin Salter told the BBC: "in the Thames region, even though it's not in our culture, it is legal to take two fish of any size. It's just not on, foreigners coming over here and doing something perfectly legal. Did I mention they were Poles and eastern Europeans? Now, don't get me started on Gypsies and travellers, I did that rant last month.

"Please remember to vote for me come the next election. Martin Salter, your local candidate."

Reading Borough Council are embarking on a crack down on businesses using council recycling facilities to dispose of bottles and paper waste.

Council spokesman Oscar Mortalli told us: "These facilities are only for household waste and any companies found using them instead of queuing for an hour to get into the civic amenity site and paying for the privilege will be heavily fined. Of course, these rules don't apply to Reading Borough Council and our staff can continue to use the bottle and paper banks as Council policy continues to be do as we say, not as we do."

A website set up for an East Reading road packed with advice for thieves has won praise from local villains. It has warnings about how residents are protecting their property, the latest internet scams, and details of current police operations.

Just two weeks after creating the site Mr Cox, 57, of Elmhurst Road, has already had positive feedback from all over Reading and Wokingham. "I had a call from Ron "Nosher" Hughes telling me that news of places the police were targeting really saved him wasting a lot of time and several police officers have thanked me for the Google Ad directing them to the Red Snapper police recruitment web site offering them jobs outside the Reading area."

MP Rob Wilson told us: "There are so many public sector organisations that are doing the same job that it is particularly useful to have yet another advertising based web site with all the same stuff on it.

To celebrate First Great Western appointing the first ever "Poet on a Platform", we present Sally Crabtree's first commissioned work.

First Great Western
Are always late
You're better off
not chancing fate

Punctuality
Is only talk
You might as well
Get off and walk

There will be daily performances at Reading, Oxford, Bath, Bristol, Exeter, Barnstaple, Paignton and Plymouth stations, but passengers are advised to check the 'Delayed' boards for actual performance times.

Reading police are looking for a man they think is responsible for the theft of millions of pounds from local council tax payers. A higher salary and free travel has led to hundreds of fully trained police officers defecting to the Metropolitan Police.

One senior officer told us: "He comes over here and he takes our jobs. It's a bleedin' disgrace. We know that the Met. paid informers £2.2m in 2006/2007, we just hadn't twigged that it was being paid to Manpower."

Reading Borough Council are set to become the first council to set a zero Council Tax rate. The Waste and Resources Action Programme (WRAP) has urged councils to reduce the size of bins in order to boost recycling levels. However, with fines of up to £1,000 for rubbish left outside a designated rubbish bin, RBC are planing to reduce landfill bins sizes to miniscule proportions and create a Bin Inspection, Trash Consolidation Hit Squad (BITCHS), outsourced to NCP, to police residents.

"We'll rake in enough cash by Christmas to pay for our entire budget and have more than enough to hand out free money to our favourite consultancies," said Chief Executive Tricia Haines. "Hell, we may have enough left over to employ a Climate Change Officer to control the thermostats in the civic offices for £50,000 a year."

The Grade II listed King's Meadows swimming baths were yesterday destroyed in a mystery arson attack. Campaigners have fought for many years to keep the structure, one of the last of its kind, preserved as a public building. However, like the fomer listed brewery which also was destroyed in a mysterious fire, the King's Meadows pool is now thought to be beyond economic repair and will be sold to developers.

"This is terrible news," laughed a Council spokesman. "The King's Meadows pool was much loved by all in the town, I can only hope that the hotel and marina complex that will be built to replace it for the benefit of rich yacht owners will be of some comfort to the residents of Reading."

Note to Editors: This story is embargoed until required.

Ming the Merciless's diabolical scheme for the conquest of Britain has been uncovered after the BBC News website reported that 'Lib Dems plan air tax to aid rail'. An unrepentant Mr. Merciless told assembled hacks: "It's only when the public realise what damage they are doing to the planet by breathing in oxygen and breathing out carbon dioxide and are hit through their wallets that we can affect meaningful climate change."

Ming's path to conquest has been helped by the big blue hope, David Cameron, being unavailable to save the world from The Merciless as he'd pissed off for a few photo opportunities in Rwanda.

Only Flash Gordon-Brown can stand in the way of the ruthless megalomaniac, but Flash is struggling to keep his only weapon, Public Private Partnerships, alive in the face of companies going bust when their massive public subsidies are withdrawn.

Make sure you watch next week's exciting episode!

Reading Greens are hoping to upstage the local Conservative party with their ambitious plans to reduce Reading's congestion.

"We like their idea of fag packet policies but there's no way we could back a third bridge. People might use it," said lead Green Adrian Windisch. "So after a few organic muesli shakes at Café Iguana, we came up with the radical idea of blowing up both Reading bridges. It'll solve all the congestion problems in one fell swoop. Some people have expressed concern that patients won't be able to travel to the Royal Berks from north of the river, but they're rich capitalist bastards and anyway if they passed a few crystals over the affected areas instead of trusting the drug companies' stooges, they'll find no need to travel. And if anyone requires psychiatric help we'll simply plant a tree in their gardens for them to hug."

A Berkshire MP has called for a Swaine defence system to be installed in a Berkshire town hit by recent Freedom of Information attacks. Martin Salter, MP for Reading West, has urged Reading Borough Council to protect his constituents in case Swaine Brook bursts its banks again.

Mr. Salter told us: "How dare a mere voter ask for their MPs and councillors to be held accountable? Don't they know how important I am? I'm deputy vice-chair of the Labour Party you know. There are only two officials standing between me and a huge volume of Freedom of Information requests and it's too risky hoping council officials will delete them as instructed. My constituents must be protected from people like him. Anything that can help prevent a tragic waste of a life must be worth doing."

Good Girl! Should have asked for the one sent to Peter Butler. Bet he's a sloppy deleter.

An appeal has been set up to help residents in Berkshire devastated by the recent flooding. The Purley, Thatcham and Sonning Inundation Event (PaTSIE) appeal was launched after serious flooding caused many homes in these areas to be flooded. With the waters now subsiding, residents have been told that they must return all the sandbags loaned to them over the last few weeks by Reading Borough Council or face hefty fines.

Denizens of the affected areas are asked to bring any sand they were given down to the Oracle and place it in the area marked 'Beach 2007' so that the rest of the Borough can whoop it up this summer. Councillors and MPs will be making frequent visits, for humanitarian reasons, to the Oracle in support of the appeal and are expecting to help pitch in with some piña coladas from the beach hut and a few photo opportunities.

Famous at Last!

"He runs a web site called muckspreading and seems to think he has the God-given right to waste taxpayers' money on futile and vexatious enquiries"

How does he know the request was futile? Has someone told him his emails have already been deleted? And a very odd turn of phrase there from Martin "plain talking" Salter. Exactly the same word used by two council executives in their letters to Mick Spreader. We hope they're not wasting council tax payers' monies writing his press releases as well.

And would this be the same Martin Salter MP who wasted taxpayers' monies finding out how much it would cost the Council to change all their stationary to "Reading-on Thames" in an attempt to ridicule Rob Wilson MP - or did the Council do that particular work for him pro bono? And of course when it comes to wasting tax payers' monies, none comes bigger right now than the man who is according to TheyWorkForYou strongly in support of wasting £5bn of our money on ID cards.

Mystery surrounds the theft of dozens of drain covers across Berkshire. About 80 of the cast iron grates have gone missing from the borough of Wokingham in the last few days.

Frank Browne, leader of Wokingham Council, told us: "It is a complete mystery. The only lead we have is that after each of the thefts someone was seen furiously pedaling away. We think Tom Crisp has some questions to answer." A spokesman for Reading Borough Council refused to comment on the thefts, but did admit that repairs after the recent floods were surprisingly well ahead of schedule.