Green Party campaigner Rob White has pledged to go for a whole year producing less than one wheelie bin of unrecyclable rubbish. He told us: "Obviously that doesn't include our election material. It might be rubbish, but it is recyclable."

The Green Goblin urges residents to look carefully at what they throw away and what can be reused: "I'm a keen user of the Freecycle web site that allows people to give away things that they no longer require rather than see them end up in landfill, although my freeuseddeoderantcans group hasn't had many takers."

Mr. White is also considering unwrapping goods in the supermarket before he buys them. "I'm going to take the lentils out of their packaging and put them back on the shelves. It's cruel the way they treat them and we should all be demanding free range lentils. Vegetable Rights for all!"

It's been a year since the council introduced alternate weekly collections and a report prepared for the environmental scrutiny panel by Streetcare manager Peter Butler hails its introduction as a great success and a major revenue earning opportunity for the council.

"For too long people have thought of refuse collection as a council service. We plan to change all that. If people leave their bins out in the street because their gardens are too small we're going to fine them. And if residents don't monitor their bins 24 hours a day to prevent passers-by contaminating their recycling we can hit them hard as well."

Calls for kerbside recycling of glass and food has been rejected by the report as it is not covered by the 25 year PFI deal signed with Bracknell and Wokingham councils. "If people have bottles they simply have to drive them to the nearest bottle bank. We don't care how many extra journeys this puts on Reading's roads... because it all contributes towards the argument for introducing congestion charges. And if the people of Redlands want bottle banks, well, we're not going to give them any until they stop electing Liberal councillors because they are a bloody pain in the neck with their constant whining to me about recycling facilities. And as for food waste, that's not our problem? People should just liquidise it and flush it down the toilet, just the same as if they'd eaten it, but without that messy digestion bit to slow things down."

A youth football project designed to kick crime into touch will be launched at Madejski Stadium, the Prime Minister has announced. Reading FC is one of five Premiership teams launching the Kickz Programme.

The scheme will offer young people free football, basketball and street dance coaching sessions, as well as DJ workshops. Mr Brown, said: “Football clubs are perfectly placed to offer something to some of the most marginalised members of society. Often these young lads have too much time on their hands which leads to criminality and a culture where they think they won't be caught. We have seen crime rates drop by as much as 27 percent when we hold these sessions because the footballers are too busy coaching youngsters to speed, drink drive, crash their Ferraris into trees and skip drugs tests."

The UK Apathy Party has declared November the 1st as a national holiday. Leader of the party, Donna Doobuggerall, told us: "It seems the sensible choice for election day. After all, Halloween is when people up and down the UK don their Margaret Thatcher masks and scare little children by trying to snatch their milk and November 5th is a reminder that the last time anyone seriously tried to get rid of a bunch of useless parliamentarians they were hung, drawn and quartered for their efforts. Remember, don't vote on November 1st. The government always wins."

An email spreading rumours about an incident which allegedly took place in The Oracle car park is being investigated by police as a possible scam. The email, which has been doing the rounds across Reading and beyond, is intended for women who use the shopping centre’s car park.

It tells of a girl, 'a friend of a cousin', who managed to get a parking spot on a Saturday afternoon without having to queue for half an hour.

Thames Valley Police said it had no record of anyone managing to find a parking spot at this time. Spokesman Adam Fisher added: "We believe this is an email scam perpetuated by parking attendents trying to lure people into Southamton Street so that they can ticket them for being stationary on double yellow lines."

Students have been warned that 'initiation ceremonies' have been banned at The University of Reading. The ceremonies, designed to 'break in' new students, often involve ridicule, fancy dress and heavy drinking.

RUSU president Sally Pearman told us: "We need to protect these vulnerable people, often away from home for the first time, from exploitation so we will be warning new students about the dangers of joining the Liberal Democrats, who are known to get our students out knocking on doors, wearing yellow rosettes and going down the pub for 'Liberal' drinks."

As election fever bores the nation, local Tories were left red faced yet again in Park ward as yet more dodgy propaganda hit the doorsteps. Their latest leaflet couldn't even spell their own candidate's name correctly, although this was denied by Rik Willis. "He's from Wokingham, we hardly see him, let alone know how to spell his name. Anyway it is you who are behind the times. He changed his name to Wazir Hussian by deed poll the day before the leaflet went out and if you say otherwise, I'm going to sue."

Sitting MP Rob Wilson expressed his anger at yet another fiasco in Park ward. "It's a sad indictment of the sort of riff-raff they'll let into the Tories nowadays. Remember: Vote for Dave Macaroon's Conservation Party

The Mayor of Reading was left ashen-faced after being called a cocaine snorting addict. The mayor was at the launch of Reading Comedy Festival when antipodean comedian Jim Jeffries accused him snorting cocaine from a large spoon.

The mystery was solved however, when it was discovered that a tub of ice cream had been placed on his table.

Reading Borough Council have hit back after 'In Town Without My Car' day saw no drop in the use of the council staff car park and the public forced on to overcrowded and overpriced buses because no extra services had been scheduled to cope with the increased demand.

Council spokesman Oscar Mortali said: "What the public have to realise is that we are incentivised by the number of pointless campaigns we can promote not on their success, and on how many column inches we get for the "lead councillor for..." in the local press.

"In fact it would be completely irresponsible for a council like Reading to actually want people to stop using their cars or start recycling properly because our whole five year financial plan is now based on levying record numbers of fines for bus lane, parking and recycling offences. If everyone started obeying the law, we'd be bankrupt and have to slash essential services. Thank goodness you didn't ask about the council's internal recycling policies, you'd have got us on that one!"

A massive and unexpected income of £600,000 per annum in fines levied against drivers using bus lanes has led to a complete rethink of Reading Borough Council spending.

The council now plan to extend the success of the bus lane fines to other areas. In future, not only will bus lane fines go towards improving bus services but parking fines will go towards putting in more road humps, littering fines will go towards improving recycling and fines from people urinating in the street will go to fund yet more schemes pissing public money up the wall.

Motorists have been encouraged to leave their cars at home and find greener ways to get to work. To mark European Mobility Week, people have been asked to do their bit for ‘In Town Without My Car Day’ at a stall in Broad Street.

Reading Buses and Reading Cycle Campaign were on hand to lie to workers about how easy it is to get round the town without a car. Cyclists were given advice on cycle lanes which don't go anywhere useful and which pavements to use. An insurance claim hotline number was also handed out to commuters who were thinking of locking up their bikes at the station.

Pedestrians were not forgotten and a RoSPA representative was available to give advice on how to dodge the traffic at the IDR junction with London Street and how not to get mugged in the underpass.

The Reading Chronicle has spiked an interview with Mick Spreader after it was run past the paper's lawyers and discovered to contain too many facts. In the article Mr. Spreader claimed that Martin Salter campaigned against Aldermaston expansion whilst backing the replacement of Trident, claimed that he said he was against the Iraq war, yet was missing at all three crucial Commons votes and that he voted for the ban on fox hunting then later agreed to become a centenary patron for the British Association for Shooting and Conservation. Such bare faced facts about Mr. Salter meant that it was quite clearly unsuitable for publishing.

Fans of the paper, shouldn't worry about a reduction in column inches as its space was filled by another regurgitated press release from Reading Borough Council promoting the lead councillor for Culture and Sport.

THERE was chaos in Friar Street on Friday night as hundreds of concerned revellers tried to get their hands on their drink. Worried beer drinkers queued for up to two hours to withdraw pints from the troubled hostelries amid fears they might run dry. Reading Borough Council were forced to step in and issue emergency licences to ensure that the flow of intoxicating liquor kept up with demand.

One person told us he had been queing for over an hour in the 3 Bees attempting to withdraw some amber nectar: "It's a disgrace. They don't serve you in the order you got to the bar. I think I'll try wearing a short skirt next time, it seems to get you served quicker." One landlord urged customers to remain calm: "This is just a temporary blip because of exceptional market conditions and is a result of the way that pubs do their business. Your beer supply is safe, but concerned punters could try buying more pints earlier and stacking them up."

A council spokeperson tried to reassure panic buyers: "There is no shortage of beer in the town centre. If customers would like to head down to St. Mary's Butts, our licencing committee have ensured that there are plenty of other places to embarrass yourself by getting drunk and falling down in the street."

The local Labour party has denied chronyism after a design agency run by party members was given the brief to produce the new Reading logos. "Come on, be fair. We didn't really have much choice. It was either Indent Design or Public Impact and they were far to busy with the recycling propaganda."

Reading University Hotels Group has pledged to open an educational establishment after Labour councillors voted in favour of their proposals to build a 4-star hotel on campus and to concrete over a green space in order to accomodate the hotel car park. A spokeswoman for the University, Lucy Ferguson, told us: "It is vitally important for the running of the new Reading University Hotel that we have a source of cheap labour to make the beds and serve the canapes. A pool of desperate students worried about paying their tuition fees seems the sensible way to go and we hope to open a few educational facilities in the near future to provide a cheap and plentiful source of hotel staff."

Labour's Prospective Parliamentary Candidate Anneliese Dodds failed to present a petition against the proposals after she discovered that her Labour colleagues were going to vote for the development, but had forgotten to tell her.

UNIVERSITY students travelling home from pubs and clubs will be able to catch a new late-night bus service to keep them on the road to a peaceful and safe night.

The Nighttrack bus will travel between popular drinking haunts in the St Mary’s Butts and Friar Street areas of town, and the Whiteknights campus of The University of Reading. There will be additional stops to pick up traffic cones, set fire to wheelie bins and the pushchair area on the buses will be extended to accomodate shopping trolleys.

The journey time will be approximately 30 minutes to allow for a 15 minute stopover at Effe's Kebab Shop.

Swish new symbols were unveiled at the Madejski Stadium as part of a £150,000 project to rebrand the town. The new logos will replace the existing 'Hawk' and 'Buz' symbols currently being used to promote the town. 'Reading UK' based on the FCUK idea will promote the town's national and international appeal of being quite close to London, while the 'Living Reading' livery will reflect its vibrant gangs of roving drunks in the town centre in Saturday nights.

Tim Smith, executive director of Reading UK Community Interest Company, told a meeting of top business leaders that the new Reading brand would improve perceptions of the town. “This new identity is much more than a logo. It's a whole new way of leaving our mark on the town... literally!"

Almost 20 children have passed their pavement safety courses with flying colours during courses run by Reading Borough Council. The council's Pavement Safety Team put the young pedestrians, aged 10 and 11, through their paces during the free walking course. The children learnt about shoe safety, foot control skills, starting and stopping, turning left and right, overtaking and emergency stops.

Paul Gittings, Assistant Lead Councillor for Culture and Sport, said: "This was a very comprehensive programme of events. Walking is a great sport for youngsters both as a means of getting from Mummy's 4x4 to the school gates and for getting up to change channels when the remote goes missing. It is very important to learn the basics of pavement safety because quite frankly some of them are in a shocking state of repair. I am delighted that all the children who attended the training passed so that leaves only another 26,680 to go."

For more information on walking and pavement safety courses run by Reading Borough Council, go to www.reading.gov.uk or call (0118) 939 0451.

The controversial one-way IDR plan has finally been legally quashed by council bosses after Reading Borough Council withdrew the Traffic Regulation Order authorising the scheme, pending the appointment of an independent traffic commission.

Council leader David Sutton told us: "Allowing the commission time to carry out its work means it's likely to be at least mid-2008 before it can report, by which time the next local elections will be over. Whilst I'm up for re-election, you can rest assured that such a monstrously unpopular scheme will not be countenanced."

The leader of Wokingham Council Frank Browne commenting on this development said: "This is good news for Wokingham and we look forward to ensuring that Reading's roads remain snarled up by refusing to talk to them about a third Thames bridge."

A SHADOWY gunman has been shooting at passers-by in West Reading. Two men were hit by a BB gun on Friday within an hour of each other as they walked along Oxford Road. One victim told us: "We looked around for the gunman but he was hidden in the shadows."

The Police responded to criticism that they didn't attend the scene of the shootings. "Don't you know how dangerous Oxford Road is? There are people with guns down there." However, they are sure that they have their man: "We are not looking for anyone else in connection with these incidents. Mr. Salter has recently been taking pot shots at Poles and Gypsies, so it's only logical to assume that he's now after the most dangerous game - Oxford Road Hoodies."

Mr. Martin Salter, a newly appointed centenary patron for the British Association for Shooting and Conservation has been missing for the last few weeks. His secretary told us that he was 'on holiday' but she wouldn't tell us if he'd taken his rifle. The public have been warned not to approach him.

Thousands of drivers are continuing to flout mobile phone laws, despite higher fines and penalty points on licences, according to Thames Valley Police. Police admitted they were disappointed by the high level of offending. Malcolm Collis, head of the Specialist Units, Thames Valley Police Roads Policing Department, said: "We've had all sorts of excuses, like: 'I was trying to see if I could spot myself on the IDR camera page on the Council's new mobile phone information service' and 'We've not moved in this queue for The Oracle for the last 20 minutes, so we thought we counted as stationary'."

The cash-strapped Thames Valley Police is offering safety classes as an alternative to a £60 fine and three penalty points. Mr. Collis continued: "The course costs £74, the fixed penalty fine is £60, so that's an extra £14 in profit. Every little helps!"

Excitement is mounting as Reading prepares itself for the second stage of the Tour of Britain. Interest in the race is running high and celebrities such as George Michael, Boy George and Pete Docherty will be on hand to see the real professionals in action, although Rio Ferdinand will miss the start as he will be out shopping.

Assistant lead councillor for culture and sport Paul Gittings said: "Reading Borough Council is delighted to be hosting the second leg of the Tour of Britain. It is a great sporting event and we are really proud the race organisers have chosen our town after we paid them to come here."

Jargon Buster
The world of professional cycling can be a confusing one. What does it all mean?
Bidon: A water bottle. Handy for water soluble drugs.
Domestique: Works for soley for the benefit of the team by keeping lookout for the drug testers.
Grupetto: Disqualified dope test failures
King of the Mountains: Anyone who can cycle up Mount Pleasant without stopping.
Musette: A small lightweight cotton bag in which to hide the cyclists stash.
Soigneur: A team's drugs runner.
Stagiare: An amateur who doesn't take drugs.

Local MP Rob Wilson has attacked Reading Borough Council's waste collection services because they refused to remove rubbish from private property after a local landlord contacted him about fly-tipping in Southampton Street. We questioned the Council and a spokesman told us "Er, it's private land. Why don't you talk to the landlord?"

Rob Wilson was however unrepentant about his campaign. "It was a wonderful photo opportunity and anyway, why shouldn't the council clear up the mess on private land? In fact, I think they should also start providing scullery maids for Caversham residents. Why should council services only be for the poor? Rich people have to load up their dish washers too. It just goes to show how out of touch the council are with Tory voters."

There have been mixed reactions to the launch of a new mobile phone service which promises to beam up-to-the-minute transport and leisure information about Reading to your mobile phone.

Users who try to download the program are greeted with a ‘GPRS connection failure!', allowing them to press the cancel key almost immediately. This has been greeted by Tom Crisp, lead councillor for Transport, as a huge improvement on ringing up the Council's transport department and being put on hold for 5 minutes listening to 'The Girl from Ipanema' before being cut off. He told us: "Users no longer have to wait before being told the town's traffic is screwed up."

However, one user complained: "It looks like they have a static picture of traffic in Rose Kiln Lane and the IDR, the car park page always seem to display 'car park full', the bus information pages always say 'estimated wait 5 minutes' and it's full of adverts. You know, if I didn't know that this scheme had cost £1.8m, I'd suspect that they they don't have any live feeds at all."

On 16 October 1907 a bottle was buried in the foundations of the new Battle Library by a litter lout, as well as a copy of The Times of that day, a local paper, coins and a carriage parking permit.

History does not record whether that miscreant faced an ASBO, but one hundred years later, on 16 October 2007, Mayor Chris Maskell will be dodging the Streetcare wardens to bury a new 'time capsule' - and he wants Reading people to suggest what should be included.

Currently, these items are scheduled to be buried: The Plans for the One Way IDR; A Tesco Shopping Trolley; A Packet of Mr. Kipling's Exceedingly Good Cakes; Double Bagged Maggot Infested Food Waste; the Chief Executive's Career and the Town's Submission for City Status.

If you have an idea on what else should be included in the 2007 time capsule: TELL THE MAYOR!

Protect Martin Salter MP from Freedom of Information Demonstration

Houses of Parliament

4th September 2007

Competition Prize Courtesy of South Street

Residents of Park ward have been warned to buy plenty of garlic after Wokingham Tories started delivering leaflets in the area. "It was scary," said one local resident. "I'd just popped down to collect my daily junk mail when I saw this terrifying thing lying motionless in the corner. It was John Redwood's face. I thought I'd died and gone to hell."

The leaflet helpfully contained a map of the Wokingham boundary which the deliverers were clearly incapable of reading, but the local carpet cleaning company delivering the leaflets on behalf of the Conservative Party refused to apologise for the faux-pas and said it was all part of a plan to expand their terror-Tory. They did say that they also looked after wood floors and could send Buffy the laminate layer if we'd prefer.

If you are worried about Tories from a completely different constituency invading your area, signs to look out for are coffin fits, a pain in the neck and you might feel very cross.

Have You Got What it Takes to Make People Laugh? Organisers of next year's Reading Borough Council Elections are looking for people who are up for a laugh.

The competitions will take place mostly on Tuesdays at the Kennet Room in the Civic Offices. Graeme Hoskin, Lead Councillor for Culture and Sport, said: "This competition is a real opportunity for up and coming comedy talent to shine. From David Sutton sticking up for the one way IDR to Steve Waite insisting the alternate bin collections are a great success, there are plenty of laughs to be had. The whole event will be photographed by Jon Hartley, but be prepared for some heckling... Richard Stainthorp will be there to hand out verbal abuse."

Comedy isn't just confined to the Labour benches. Bob Green's attempts to add amendments to council motions are renown for their inventive use of the English language, whilst Tory speakers fight amongst themselves to claim credit for the most ludicrous schemes.

If you think you are the next Jon Howarth, Rik Willis or Gareth Epps, go along to the Open Election Competition heats at Rivermead and show the judges what you can do.

Festival Organiser John Painter told us: "Why not ask your friends to hand over their postal votes to you if they can't attend. We'll accept any vote as valid even if the police tell us there has been fraud."