After wasting £25,000 on an IT system from Northgate designed to deal with postal votes which didn't work on election day, Reading Borough Council are launching a new Email Archiving System supplied by the same company for all council employees.

With the new system, Council employees will be able to file their emails in several categories of archive folder with different retention rules as determined by the Head of Legal Services. They are: 6 Months Retention which will retain the email for 6 months then delete it automatically so that Freedom of Information requests will find nothing incriminating; Never Received It which will remove all the smtp headers and make it appear that the sender is lying about sending in the email if they demand to know why nothing has been done and Martin Salter which will delete all traces of the email according to US Department of Defence standard 5220-22.M and email the sender's address to the Internet Watch Foundation for follow up action.

Reading Taxi drivers have demanded an inflation busting increase in local fares. The Reading Taxi Association (RTA) has requested an increase of 5.1% and are set for show down talks with council officials. Problems with the fares started when it recently became cheaper to get a taxi than catch a bus and now the drivers want in on the Reading gravy train.

Haji Banaras, chairman of the RTA, said: "With cabs costing upwards of £36,000 and there being only so many hours in a day that you can sub-let it out for, how do they expect us to make ends meet? And what is the point of us electing a representative to the council if they are going to ignore us? Reading Labour Party really needs to think carefully before they ignore the taxi lobby, or their voters aren't getting free lifts to the polling stations again."

Fledgling Oxford Road trader Tesco has spoken out against plans to open Tesco Expresses across the town. The chain wants to open a Tesco Express store just a stone's throw from a giant Tesco Extra store on the former Battle Hospital site and another in Emmer Green, with more to follow across the town.

A Tesco Extra spokesman complained: "I only found out the news this morning. Tesco Express is like a cancer that is draining the life out of Reading. We are desperate to establish ourselves here and as a new business we are extremly vulnerable to competition. How on earth do they think a global monopoly is going to stay in business if Tesco Express keep opening stores and taking away our business?"

A council press officer told us that their hands were tied when it came to preventing the developments: "Sorry people. We need Tesco's money under section 106 of the Town & Country Planning Act to pay for our pet projects. If we refuse them planning permission, our budget is screwed."

• Suffered years of not getting a proper response to your complaints?
• Want to contact your local Labour councillor?
• Not sure of his or her email address?

Why not send it to your Liberal Councillor's RBC email address? Those very helpful people at the council will ensure that your Labour councillor will get a copy... probably before he does!

To ensure prompt delivery to the unintended recipient, please mark your emails with "Private and Confidential; For Attention of Addressees Only; Please do not pass on to Labour representative."

Reading Borough Council has launched a new initiative designed to save council tax payers' money. From the 21st October plans for local transport improvements are being delivered direct to homes on the council's behalf by the local Labour Party.

Pat Baxter told us: "It been getting a bit hairy recently for some of our Labour colleagues - you know what Lib Dems are like when they gang up together. In some cases our Labour chums have been promising residents they were going to do something about local traffic problems for years, then all of a sudden some snotty Liberal gets elected in their ward and they start to look like they've been sitting on their arses and been taking the electorate for granted. By allowing local residents to get their first glimpse of council plans in Labour Party propaganda, we hope that they'll think that their Labour councillors were doing something after all and that it's got nothing to do with our surplus transport budget which we're desperately trying to find ways of spending before we lose it at the end of the financial year. We owe the Labour Party a massive debt for slavishly rubber stamping everything we've put in front of them so it's the least we can do for them."

With Halloween approaching Safer Reading Partnership has released advice for householders to keep them safe come the witching hour.

• If a person calls at your door and asks 'trick or treat', why not ask them for a treat?
• If you are approached by a person with a thick east European accent he is not one of the undead trying to suck your blood. He is in fact one of our Polish electoral roll auditors trying to trick you into paying more council tax. It might however be worth checking if he is wearing a Tory rosette, in which case he is a vampire trying to suck your blood.
• With the full moon occuring five days before Halloween, it will be relatively safe come the 31^st to open the door if Jon Hartley calls claiming to be 'canvassing'. He used to be a werewolf, but he's all right for nowooooooo!
• If you spot a person lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting, don't call the police, he is probably one of our late night traffic wardens.
• It's a rule of thumb that if a person is old enough to go out trick or treating on their own, they are too old to be trick or treating. So if you do spot a Lib Dem on your doorstep tell them to come back later with their Mummy (or failing that that old fossil Sir Menzies wrapped in bandages).
• If trying to ward of vampires, please make sure you obtain wooden stakes from sustainable resources, like the trees in Eldon Square. On the other hand, if you'd like to keep the Greens away from your door, use a fresh steak.
• If someone calls at your door carrying a bright orange pumpkin, please don't be rude to Jo Lovelock.

Workers who have gone the extra mile to frustrate and annoy other people are to be honoured at a special awards ceremony this week. They are the first winners of the RBC Care Less Excellence Awards, launched by Reading Borough Council earlier this year. Residents were asked to nominate council staff they felt had gone beyond the call of duty during their working day.

There were many deserving nominations: The street warden who fined someone throwing away an item of junk mail on his way to work; The traffic warden who managed to ticket a car from parking to ticket in less than 5 minutes and Anita Cacchioli for deleting an email asking her to make sure she deleted emails she didn't want to be seen. But there can only be two winners.

The individual award went to John Painter, for not bothering to actually read the content of complaints about the council before responding to them and repeating the response previously sent by the person being complained about.

The 'killjoy' award went to Reading Hexagon staff for enthusiastically enforcing the More Than My Job's Worth ban on selling drinks to anyone under-25 without ID even when there is absolutely no doubt about their age, throwing out crowd surfers and confiscating cameras even when the acts have asked people to send in their pictures of the gigs to their web sites.

The winners will receive their awards at a ceremony in the Mayor's Parlour where there will be lots of cakes and sticky buns.

In a planted question to council, Richard Stainthorp asked for figures detailing how many journeys into town were made by private and public transport. The figures showed that for the first time buses outstripped cars as the preferred mode of transport for Reading commuters.

Cllr Stainthorp asked what the lead councillor for planning and transport thought was the cause of the shift. Cllr Tom Crisp replied that it was difficult to identify a single issue but suggested the 'real time' electronic bus information boards, the change from beige to green livery, a brand new logo and colour co-ordinated seat fabrics as factors.

However, commuters suggested that it might actually be because botched traffic schemes, rocketing car park charges and 1 hour delays to their journeys as the council conducts traffic surveys means it is quicker to walk.

It is not a grand design and it does not cost millions, yet it could sort out Reading’s congestion problems. A plan – potentially revolutionary in its simplicity – drawn up by Reading Civil Engineer and charity director Adrian Windisch to turn the IDR into a driveable route. The 41-year-old believes making small changes to vehicles in Reading would bring better traffic flow and reduce congestion.

Mr Windisch, says "Any vehicle not powered by electricity or chip oil could have a team of environmental assessors tag it with a suitable marking, say 'Hawk' or 'Set2007'. Then overnight Green Crews from Dee Road and Whitley could visit and arrange for its tyres to be slashed or maybe even have it torched. This would have two advantages: (1) The IDR would then be relatively free of traffic for my Lard-a, and (2) it would cut anti-social behaviour, as obviously it would be legal to carry knives and torch cars, contributing to a massive reduction in Reading's crime figures. And as an added bonus anything found in the glove compartment would also go towards the redistribution of wealth.

Reading Borough council is starting a massive surveillance operation on residents. The Council has teamed up with an independent company Peeping Tom Ltd. which will check whether people receiving a 25% discount on their bills because they live alone (the Single Person Discount), are really living alone.

Jo Lovelock, Deputy Council Leader, said: "People often forget to tell the Council when their circumstances change, for example they may have met someone on Gaydar or may be carrying out an affair with a colleague and simply don't want the council to know. It's hard to tell these days when some people own multiple properties and others don't use their married names."

On behalf of the Council, Peeping Tom Ltd. will be twitching curtains, listening to neighbourhood gossip, checking receipts in your bins, following you to work and using data matching technology to check the council tax database and compare it with other records, including the Council's electoral register in a massive abuse of the Data Protection Act. The council is hoping that such a move will allow them to close polling stations, saving thousands of pounds, as people realise that electoral roll information is being used to snoop on them and refuse to register.

Peter Jones is in trouble with University authorities after admitting during a full council meeting that many of his students couldn't read or write properly. A student spokesperson told us: "Well, whose fault is that then? He's the lecturer and he's obviously doing a crap job if he can say that."

The Assistant Lead Councillor for Education & Lifelong Learning was speaking against moves by the Student Union to have a ballot box placed on the University campus. A Labour-Tory pact carried the day and the move was rejected. Another University employee, Labour leader David Sutton said: "Well, so many of our policies are the same nowadays, it only makes sense to co-operate with the Tories now. Anyway, I work with students all day, lazy little feckless buggers. Why should we make it any easier for them to vote? In fact, we're going to demolish one of the polling stations they currently use to teach them a lesson for trying to introduce democracy to Reading."

With group leader Bob Green standing down at the next election saying he could not get out from under the "cloying blanket" of questions about his age and leadership, local Lib Dems look to be following the national party's lead by dumping older candidates. Under the newly announced national 'Never Trust a Hippy' campaign to reinvigorate the party, candidates over 30 are being dropped in favour of a more youthful membership.

Prospective Liberal candidates are being invited down to the Forbury Gardens to hang around drinking cider with yo bitches and will be given the opportunity to jive with the partaaay. Cool dudes only need apply, because being a Lib Dem is one hot ticket right now. There will be a selection panel and squares who cannot explain ‘Kick-flip the pyramid’, ‘ollie to shove it on the halfy’ and ‘grind the ledges’ will be shown the door. Prospective candidates are also asked to bring along their expected 'A' Level grades.

Reading Buses annoucement of increased ticket prices has been warmly welcomed by a leading figure in the town.

Mohammed Ayoub, Lead Councillor for taxi drivers, told us: "As vice-chair of the Reading Taxi Driver's Association, I warmly thank the council for their help in promoting the use of black cabs in Reading by this punitive rise in bus fares. Now it really is cheaper for five people to share a cab into town and back than get a bus and the council are also issuing fines when my fellow members report mini-cabs for picking up fares on double yellow lines, my colleagues in the council can look forward to the whole hearted support of the RTDA and free lifts to the polling stations for their voters come next election day."

Thames Valley Police are introducing a new poster campaign which they believe will wipe out crime in the Greater Reading area. The second worst police force in the land are encouraging people to display posters in their windows if they would like to keep criminals away.

Force crime reduction manager Steve Smith said: "The idea started as a campaign designed to deter anti-social trick or treaters, the hugely popular Neighbourhood Witch Scheme."

The first poster 'Don't Take The Money Hidden Under Our Mattress' is available for download. In the next few weeks more posters will be released including: "Don't Tag My Car, It's Just Been Resprayed', 'Don't Waste Your Time, We're Students' and 'No, We Don't Have A Digital Ready Telly'.

READING'S Tories are working on a masterplan to tackle transport problems across town – and it will be their platform at the next local elections. First promised over three months ago, it has been delayed because they have been unable to find a fag packet big enough for their scribblings.

Squadron Leader Richard Willis, the Tory’s transport supremo, said the plan was still being worked on and would cover all transport issues including the IDR. "It will be revealed to the public well in advance of the elections because we've already earmarked some of Rob Wilson's MPs' expense allowance and election spending limits would stop us mailing it close to polling day," he told us.

The Conservative flyboy continued: "We're not short of ideas though. For example, Reading Borough Council still does not have a cycling strategy. We have a fully worked out cycle strategy direct from David Cameron. Everyone who cycles should get priority lanes for the 4x4 following them with their suit and briefcases."

He also dismissed the necessity of the council's transport commission to look at congestion problems in the town, and its newly appointed commissioner Sir Brian Briscoe. "I am sure he is an excellent individual, but he's wasting his time because we're going to sack him. We can't have someone who might actually know what he's talking about sticking around to ridicule our plans."

A local Councillor has been accused of misleading the public after appearing in a gratuitous photo opportunity in the Reading Evening Post. Daisy Benson, councillor for Redlands, was pictured after The Retreat in St. John's Street won 'Regional Cider Pub of the Year' voted for by members of Reading and Mid-Berkshire Campaign for Real Ale.

Daisy Benson can be seen in the Evening Post clutching a pint of cider when regulars of the pub know that her preferred drink is Hereford Pale Ale or Ferryman's Gold.

Graeme Hoskin, lead councillor for culture and sport said: "This shows what duplicitous people Lib Dems are; saying anything to get into the papers. You wouldn't find us doing that."

Tesco has denied being responsible for rising rents since the supermarket giant received the green light to build a store on the old Battle Hospital site. But local traders are claiming Tesco is forcing them out of business leading to a loss of local facilities.

Tesco spokesman David Niberg reiterated that locals would not see any changes over the coming months. He said: "I don't think locals need worry about the closure of filthy shops with zero star hygiene ratings and a history of selling alcohol to underage drinkers, because they are going to get a brand spanking new multi-national monopoly with zero star hygiene ratings and a history of selling alcohol to underage drinkers. Rest assured once our new superstore is open on the Battle Hospital site, it'll be business as usual in Oxford Road! Now, which one of you kids wants a 3 litre bottle of White Lightning?"

A new library and twin white elephants have been added to the plans for the multi-million pound Civic Centre site. Councillors Jo Lovelock, Fred Pugh and Bob Green, the all-party group who were tasked by their parties with overseeing the plans to keep them out of mischief, would not be drawn on the cost of the new theatre development because costs for the pie in the sky elements are not yet available. But they acknowledged the sale of Reading Central Library and the twin elephant development would contribute to paying for the scheme.

Cllr Lovelock said of the old library: "It was built very much as a book service. Shame on Berkshire County Council for getting it so wrong back in the eighties."

Cllr Green commented on the new theatre plans: "The Hexagon is both too large and too small. It's too large for the Caversham Players' audience of one man and his dog and too small for hosting musical events in the modern idiom. I've heard that some people have to stand when popular beat combos visit town."

Cllr Pugh also welcomed the plan saying: "Arguably the town centre does not have enough tall buildings. Or short buildings. Or zoos. I'd like a zoo. Or maybe an open air ice rink. Have you got my cocoa?"

Local MP Martin Salter's has justified his support of a criminal justice bill to outlaw something that is already illegal by quoting an urban legend about snuff movies in the House of Commons. Mr. Salter in fact went further and proposed that all computers be fitted with a government controlled device to snoop on people using computers who access the internet.

He told the Commons: "If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear... unless it's my own correspondance. In any case it doesn't matter that my support of legislation to remove other people's freedoms is based on scientifically incorrect or flimsy hear-say evidence that I dig up because it gets my name in the papers. Think of the children, won't somebody think of the children?"

Mr. Salter carried on outlining to MPs other areas that he wanted to see action on based on an afternoon's surfing in the Commons' internet café: "I've read today on the interweb that kidney theft is rife with victims waking up in ice filled baths. I've also received an email from the Reverend Odubi Darlington Tokunbo for my assistance and although he is not one of my constituents I ask that the government act quickly to help the plight of Nigerian widows. His proposals look a good deal for all concerned."

Thames Valley Police have come equal second bottom in a league table of police authorities in England and Wales. The categories tracked were: tackling crime; resources and efficiency; serious crime and public protection; protecting vulnerable people; satisfaction and fairness; implementation of neighbourhood policing; and local priorities.

We asked the authority to comment on these results and were told that our crime was very important to them but that an officer was unable to deal with us right now. If we'd like to leave a message after the tone someone might get back to us.

Local Liberal Democrats have been left reeling after it was revealed that two members have jumped ship to join the Conservative party.

Rob Wilson, Reading East MP said: "I am delighted to welcome these extremely senior members of Reading Liberal Democrats to the Conservative Party. I'm sure they will be able to tell me everything about the Lib Dem's Reading East election campaign and fill me in with all the insider news about their forthcoming strategies."

The defection news has buoyed local Tories. "Under David Cameron’s leadership we are attracting many people with no principles whatsoever to the party, so I really hope they haven't been attending Labour Party fundraising parties like Tony Lit did in Southall because I think it's demeaning to the political process to have people touting themselves to any party that will have them," said the former SDP member.

After the shock defections of Shahid Younis and Ali Asghar, we asked the local Liberal Central Branch chairman David Langshaw to comment on this severe blow to his party's morale and he asked us: "Who?"

A READING based consultancy has been providing expert advice to the Mauritian government on how best to develop its transport plans. The man from Peter Brett Associates met the Deputy Prime Minister, Dr Ahmed Rashid Beebeejaun, to provide a completely independent review of the current transport strategy for the island.

PBA expert Bob Pinkett told us: "I came to this island with no pre-conceptions of what was required, but it was soon clear that a large amount of remedial work was required. Our proposal was very simple, the central roads needed to be linked in a one way system, let's call it say, an inner distribution road. A massive commercial and retail development is needed to take place within this area and all the traffic funnelled to a single roundabout. Inadequate parking must be provided. The main roundabout in Port Louis must go and be replaced with a 8 phase set of lights controlled by a macaque monkey to ensure disruption and we've also suggested a week long traffic survey to bring the roads to a complete halt whilst we come up with excuses to recommend a congestion charge. And just to keep the green lobby happy, we'll stick a windmill on top of Piton de la Petite Rivière Noire to spoil the view. Now where's my fee?"

Reading Borough Council have announced plans for another 9 bottle banks to add to the current total of 25 around the Borough, but they need your help.

Steve Waite, Reading Lead Councillor for Environment for the next six months said: "Glass recycling in Reading has reached new heights as bottles pile up uncollected on doorsteps, but it's important not to rest on our laurels and I'll have my guts for garters if introduce kerbside recycling just because those pesky Lib Dems councillors in Redlands think it's a good idea. We've tried our best to fend of their campaign by promising another 21 bottle banks around town, but unless we're really careful, we're going to have to finally locate one in their ward. If anyone can think of alternative locations for them, we'd be most grateful."

Local politicians have breathed a collective huge sigh of relief as the prospect of a November election was kicked into touch by Gordon 'Scaredy Cat' Brown.

All prospective candidates had their own reasons to celebrate the news. Anneliese 'Flower in the Attic' Dodds hoped it would give her a chance to find a flat in Reading before the election that wasn't obviously an accomodation address; Martin Salter can now spend more time in his favourite constituency... Reading East; Rob Wilson is pleased that it gives him more time to pump out Tory propaganda at taxpayers expense; Gareth Epps is planning to spend more time with the Rugby World Cup and Rob White is jumping for joy because he won't have to get his hair cut.

Rob Wilson has lashed out angrily at the Communication Workers Union after the start of the first of two 48 hour strikes.

"Everyone knows that they fund the Local Labour Party and this is nothing more than an undemocratic attempt to ruin my election campaign," the Reading East MP told us. "How am I meant to use tax-payers' money to fund my direct mail Tory party propaganda paid for out of MPs expenses if the little sods won't deliver them. Once the election is announced, I'll have to have to stop sending out my free post or pay for it myself. Where the hell do they think us busy Tories are going to find the time or activists to deliver them by hand? That's the last time I'm working in the sorting office during my summer holidays."

University bosses are planning shortly to release their master plan to the council. In their quest to gain control of the Solar System, we have discovered that the University plans to take possession of the Time Destructor, a weapon which threatens the safety of all who stand in their way. As they head up an alliance of alien races bent on destroying the human race, in their midst is none other than the treacherous Guardian of the Solar System, half-man half-machine Professor Kevin Warwick.

Only Dr. Dodds stands in the way of planning permission being granted. 'Doctor Who?' you may ask, as do most of the residents of Reading. However, her Labour colleagues appear to be about to stab her in the back and rubber stamp the total destruction of Whiteknights campus. Will the courageous Dr. Dodds save Reading or will she vanish in her Tardis looking for a safe Labour seat to carpetbag using her sonic women-only-shortlist?

We put it to University spokesman John Short that they had simply misappropriated the 'Dalek's Masterplan' script from the BBC and were touting it as their own and he told us: "Exterminate! Exterminate! You cannot escape. Resistance is futile."

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, if you’ve had one too many, it's bicycle-thief-man.

Bicycle-thief-man allows cyclists to enjoy a drink in the evening without having to worry about cycling home afterwards.

The company employs drivers who ride out to revellers and dismantle their bikes so that they fit into the boot of their car. Bicycle-thief-man then drives home in their vehicle, before re-assembling the bike, filing off the serial number and respraying it black. Launched in Eldon Terrace seven years ago, the University franchise went into operation this month ready to greet returning students. Customers can book a Bicycle-thief-man by leaving their cycle at one of the designated cycle parks near the station or around town. The franchise also plans to launch a spin-off called You-Looking-At-My-Girlfriend-Man who will come and punch your lights out on Fridays and Saturdays if you look like a student.

As students flooded back to Reading the annual freshers fair once again attempted to lure new students out of their beds.

The Labour stall was very busy with Anneliese Dodds and Martin Salter milling around and reading leaflets to make it look busy. However, they were warned that they may not be allowed a stall next year if they keep misleading young impressionable students by using the word 'socialist'.

The Liberal Democrat stall proved to be popular as they asked students to sign a petition for on campus ballot boxes tempting students with the opportunity to vote without getting out of bed and another petition for sick buckets to be placed at 10 metre intervals on the route between Pavlov's Dog and the halls of residences.

The Green Party stall was also busy as new students were promised that they would not have to wash for a year.

This year local Tories didn't run a stall because they couldn't be bothered to get enough student members to qualify for one and anyway students will vote the same way that Mummy and Daddy do so why waste the effort.

Yes, we have official confirmation that it's full steam ahead for a November election as the Labour Party press office, er, Reading Borough Council's PR department managed a record breaking ten press releases in a mere two days, beating their previous record of a 33% increase in Labour PR puffs in one month during the last council elections.

A council PR officer told us: "As soon as we got the call from Gordon, all leave was cancelled and we bust a gut getting out as many press releases mentioning Labour councillors as we could. Unfortunately one managed to sneak through as a neutral item, but we blame that on tight deadlines and last week's Labour party conference which made it difficult to find a Labour councillor ready to come up with a quotable fatuous remark."

Shocked local residents have been stunned by a whole week of Rob Wilson not gate crashing photo opportunities in the local media. Concern grew over the bandwagon jumping MP when he wasn't seen on any pages in the local papers. "It's most unlike him," said one concerned resident, "and I haven't received any important Parliamentary communications from him for over three days now. Something must be amiss"

We checked the local Reading East Conservatives' answer phone and were greeted with the following message: "We are sorry but Mr. Wilson is at the Tory conference in Blackpool this week. If you have a local initiative you would like Mr. Wilson to come along uninvited to with a photographer, please leave your name and organisation after the tone."