The Hexagon

Saturday, December 8 to Sunday, January 6

This year's Reading panto stars wide-eyed and legless Richard Willis as the principal boy, with Rob Wilson playing the evil Baron Von Tory, in a traditional retelling of the family favourite, Rik and the Beanstalk.

Rik finds his job in danger from the evil Baron after eating a few too many gingerbread men and drinking sour milk, leading to the town crier blurting out the news that Rik was a big fan of the old woman who lived in a shoe and that he fully endorsed her policy of whipping her majority population and putting them to bed. The crowd joins in with: "He's Behind You, Rik!" "Oh no, I'm not," replies Baron Tory, "Retract that statement now or your fired!"

Panto veteran Jo Lovelock will be appearing in the role she made her own - Buttercup the Cow. Rik takes her to market to sell, but instead is tricked by nasty Tricia Haines into handing her over to Peter Brett Associates and assorted property developers for a tin of baked beans, before Tricia disappears in a puff of smoke never to be seen again.

Rik's journey up the beanstalk is delayed by an independent traffic commission, but he eventually reaches cloud cuckoo land courtesy of his own plans and is faced by a rampaging dwarf giant 'Blunderbore' here played by David Sutton, with his repetitive catchphrase: "Fi Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of a racist Englishman." The giant's sidekick Fleshcreep, ably played by Tony Page, briefly threatens to do away with him. In the final scene, the electorate defeat the giant and the town lives unhappily ever after.

Light relief is provided by Dobbin the pantomime horse with Anneliese Dodds playing the arse-end following blindly everywhere that Martin Salter, once again playing the front end, leads her. Don't miss a cameo performance by Gareth Epps. He has no lines, but that's because he's rolling around on the floor laughing too much to say anything.

Plans to set up a Climate Challenge Partnership Group to help tackle environmental issues locally and cut carbon emissions in Reading, is moving closer to reality. Among the long and varied list of organisations which could be invited for membership if they toe the line are Reading PCT, Reading University, Reading UK CIC, Reading FoE, Youth Cabinet, the Federation of Small Businesses and larger individual Reading firms such as Prudential. Prudential are leading the way in reducing their local carbon footprint by axing up to 750 jobs in Reading which will make it a major contributor to reducing traffic on our roads.

The group will look at all matters linked to climate change including, but not limited to:

• Generating enough plastic bags to comply with the council's 'double bagging' policy
• More 'Leave your car at home' days to reduce congestion for council employees
• Saving electricity by not repairing street lights when they fail

The council has also moved to appoint a new energy management officer to help reduce the Council's greenhouse gas emissions. Drivers of 4x4 vehicles living in conservation areas are invited to apply.

Rhodesian Tie

One Careless Owner. Worn... quite often until now. Quick sale required as I'm no longer allowed to wear it.

Contact: Fred Pugh, c/o Tory Group Leader, Civic Offices.

Thames Valley Police have hailed as a success a drugs raid in Arthur Place which recovered a small quantity of cannabis. Twelve police officers and four community support officers took part in the raid which followed another massive raid on Mandela Court which saw the dealers move a whole 50 yards down the street in to Orts Road

Sergeant Dai Davies, of the East Reading neighbourhood police team, said the lack of drugs at the property was a positive sign and proof that higher levels of police were the way forward. He promised: "We have proved by finding hardly anything that we have managed to move the dealers 50 yards down the road. By extrapolating this raid, our estimates show that if you can give us another 420 officers and 140 PCSOs on the streets of Newtown, we will be able to move the problem at least as far as Wokingham."

Details of the Minister for Women and Deputy Leader of the Labour Party Harriet Harman MP's visit to Reading to speak to local party members at a fund-raising dinner have been leaked to muckspReading. Ms. Harman was joined at the dinner by local MP Martin Salter and Reading East parliamentary candidate Anneliese Dodds.

The Minister apparently had a cold, but it could be that our informant misheard her when she said she was all bunged up. During an after dinner speech, Harriet begged the assembled meeting of Labour supporters: "Give me your money. Just drop off your brown envelopes with our organisers and we'll arrange for them to be paid into party coffers. No questions asked."

Martin Salter MP said: "It was a pleasure to welcome her back in her new role as Deputy Leader of the Labour Party and Minister for Women. Harriet has always been a strong campaigner for donations and if there are any property developers out there with a few hundred thousand pounds to spare, give her a ring."

The Tory Group leading Rhodesian tie wearing recipient of the regime's largesse doesn't see anything wrong with Smith's rule. With Mr. Willis having the decency to apologise for his inappropriate comments, why is it that Fred Pugh is such a fanboy of the racist Salisbury Regime?

We ask the question that no-one dares ask... has anyone actually seen Ian Smith's body since his "death"?

Under-fire local politician Richard Willis has made an unreserved apology to the people of Reading.

"With the benefit of hindsight, I realise that becoming a member of the Conservative Party was a rash and foolish thing to do. I just hope that voters will forgive me for what was an act of youthful folly."

"A PERSONAL STATEMENT" - definitely not written by Rik Willis

Firstly, let me say how grateful I am for all of the comments I have received in the last couple of days. I have been deeply touched by the messages of support, both from my own party members, former members of the National Front and those who disagree with my views but have told me that that were extremely happy to hear what I had to say and were rubbing their hands with glee.

It's political correctness gone mad. What has the world come to when the silly lefists can round on you for praising a racist dictator? Sure, he may have suppressed opposition, subjugated the black population and had people murdered, but what would you prefer? Stalin's Russia?

However what I find despicable and underhand is the way a certain person has since then tried to create mischief. That individual (and I have a VERY good idea who it is) contacted the Press Association, other national media, local Lib Dems in Reading and Lib Dem Voice website to try to make the maximum capital out of what I said. Without him, no one would have read my comments on a publicly available web site read by thousands of politically active people.

However, from now on I shall not post as Rik W anymore. I shall use another name (or names) and you can have fun trying to work out who I am. Should be easy though, just look for the posts praising white dictators, murderous right wing juntas, joy at the death of Edward Heath and calls for the return of hanging... especially for any lefties out there.

The fall out from Rik Willis's unguarded milk and cookies postings on PoliticalBetting.com rumble on.

Council leader David Sutton, called Mr. Katesgrove by his branch colleagues because he's spent more time in Katesgrove in the last 6 months than he has in the last 6 years, said: "It is astonishing and disgraceful that a politician in modern multicultural Reading should come out with a statement like this... British jobs for British workers!"

Lib Dem Group Leader Bob Green commented, "I wondered who Fred Pugh was going to give his Rhodesia tie to when he retired." Labour Prospective Parilamentary Candidate Anneliese Dodds desperately wanted to get her comments in the story and added: "Remember me?"

However, one man was standing by the beleagured councillor, Fred Pugh told us: "I visited Rhodesia in 1977, so I know what it was really like. It wasn’t a racist regime, despite what everyone thinks. Those black boys really knew how to treat us like kings."

Rik himself was said to be unphased by the reporting. At a meeting of the Tory group in the Civic offices on Monday he was heard to say: "Ha ha ha. Cumpsty you're going to be made to squirm at the next ethnic minorities forum. Thought you'd be Tory leader when Fred fails to be elected Mayor again. Think again or I'll write something else on the web site."

Martin Salter reacted to the furore by setting out an Early Day Motion in the Houses of Parliament to regulate the minimum size of bass that were allowed to be landed.

Richard Willis has been busily updating his Facebook entry to defend himself from the political correctness gone mad brigade.

Click here for a peek... while you can!

Caversham Conservatives have seized power in Reading after announcing a Unilateral Declaration of Independence. From their powerbase on the Caversham heights, Richard Willis has taken charge of a white minority council cabinet. He denied that with only 13% of the eligible electorate bothering to vote for the Tories that his actions were undemocratic: "It is far more democratic than most other towns under Tory control."

Squadron Leader Willis sees his job now as primarily being paternal. He told the Press Association: "You can't expect the natives to be able to rule themselves. They've been electing Labour councils for goodness sake! With this new period of benign rule from the Reading elite I expect Reading to be an economic success story. As you can see by the election of Wazir Hussain in Park, black people are flocking in to Reading from Wokingham, even now my good friend Uncle Tom has told me that he will be joining us next week."

Rob Wilson refused to comment on his Aide-de-Camp's actions, but he was heard to mutter: "Oh, bollocks, there goes the black vote, still they weren't likely to vote for me anyway."

Chris Whoon is set to make a return to the constituency he stood in as the SDP-Liberal Alliance candidate in the 1983 general election. "They were heady times," he told us, "before that political tart Rob Wilson joined the SDP. We all went back to our constituencies and prepared for tea."

Mr. Whoon's itinery is a closely guarded secret, but we understand that he will not be conducting any mobile phone interviews whilst driving between appointments.

Earlier this month the other Liberal Democrat leadership candidate Nick Clegg also conducted a whistlestop tour of Reading - when his train was stuck at a red light outside Reading Station as he passed through.

Official Reading Borough Council Rubber Stamp
One stamp happy owner. This item is slightly worn from overuse, but will suit any aspiring Chief Executive wishing to get on with the current administration. Quick sale wanted. £200,000 ONO.
Apply: Civic Offices, Reading, RG1 7AE

Have a Heart! muckspReading has teamed up with a pioneering petrol station skimming operation and for every petrol tank filled, half the money will go to the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE). Reading’s aid to Sri Lanka since the renewed outbreak of hostilities has been extensive – new gunboats have been fitted out, light aircraft have been bought for bombing raids on Bandaranaike International Airport and mortuaries have been filled.

Don't let these things put you off visiting, as Reading West MP Martin Salter says: "Sri Lanka is a fantastic holiday destination." The beautiful Yala National Park is well worth a visit, but you can't because it is closed for security reasons. For those of you preferring extreme sports, how about taking a bus ride between Columbo and Kandy? But remember, same sex relations in Sri Lanka are illegal! However, for that little taste of a home from home, you can always be fined if you ignore instructions not to smoke or drink in public.

Reading's Tory poster boy Rik Willis has caused a storm of controversy by posting praise for the racist regime of Ian Smith on the Political Betting web site. In a posting to the site he astonished readers by saying: "I refuse to submit to the prevalent ideology that a government that delivers stability and economic success is inherently evil just because the elite were of a racial minority." However, Squadron Leader Richard Willis stopped short of praising Hitler for his economic miracle in turning around a bankrupt Weimar Republic, although he is reported to have a sneaking admiration for Mussolini for getting the trains to run on time after co-opting some of his ideas to form the central plank of the yet to be announced Tory transport plans for Reading.

The unrepentent flyboy has so far refused to apologise for his remarks and intends to propose that San Francisco Libre Walk be renamed 'White Minority Rule Way' at the next full council meeting in homage to his hero, whilst Councillor Fred Pugh has been encouraged by Rik's stance and is planning to resurrect his 1980's plans to turn Lower Earley into a township.

School children missed their weekly swim as travellers set up camp in a leisure centre’s car park. The Central Swimming Pool car park was overflowing as 10 caravans descended on the amenity over the weekend. Council spokesman Chris Branagan told us: "Unfortunately all our parking attendents were out ticketing people who we thought might actually pay up, so we've had to wait for the court order to come through."

Mrs. Lovejoy from Caversham complained: "Jack had to miss out on his swim on Saturday. It's very important to him because our doctor has classed him as obese and he's trying ever so hard to lose weight. How is he going to be able to do that if I can't drive him to the pool anymore?"

Reading councillors fell victim to what appeared to be a prank call late on 10th November when a mystery caller phoned them up at home and connected them to an 'emergency' conference call at 11 o'clock in the evening. Most councillors were at that time either watching Match of the Day, readying themselves for bed with a cup of hot cocoa, or putting the final touches to their Machiavellian plans to sell the townsfolk into slavery to pay for their new transport plans.

Anne Foley, Civic Services Manager, told us: "We have notified the police, but we are keeping an open mind about it. It could just be that one of the younger councillors was feeling a bit lonely on a Saturday night and just wanted a chat."

Tom Crisp was unavailable for comment.

Government guidelines for councils have been attacked by Reading Councillors after Department for the Environment Food and Rural Affairs suggested that food waste should be collected weekly.

Steve Waite, lead councillor for the environment until next May responded to the report by saying: "What a load of garbage. As is often the case the people who recommend these things don't think them through. The real problem is what do you do with the food waste once you collect it. They don't take into account councils stupid enough to sign themselves up for 25 year PFI contracts which don't include comprehensive recycling facilities.

"Our approach in Reading is simple, as long as we don't recycle food waste we can charge businesses more because it goes to landfill. Businesses will then use cheaper private contractors instead and then it doesn't appear on our statistics. The same amount goes to landfill, but it's not our problem. Figure-Fiddling-tastic."

Plans to close two slip roads serving the Inner Distribution Road (IDR) have been announced after it emerged that there weren't enough problems in that section of the road.

Tom Crisp, Reading's cycling mad traffic supremo said: "It's unfair that traffic turning into Chatham Street or Friar street, by and large, haven't been inconvenienced by snarl-ups and gridlock to the extent that users of the Oracle and TGI Friday's Roundabouts have. Of course, anyone who is not an idiot will rat run through the residential streets west of the IDR, but that's not my problem. They're not giving me section 106 cash."

Cllr Tony Page, lead councillor for community action and regeneration, said Chatham Place residents were looking forward to having the town redesigned for their benefit. "We can't expect cash-rich young professionals in their luxurious city pads, finished with anodised aluminium and Villeroy and Boch and Zanussi fittings and fixtures to expect to mix with residents, which is why I'm delighted to also announce phase three of the development which will see 4 metre high gates and entry phones put up at the eastern end of Oxford Road to keep the riff-raff out."

Lorries too high or wide to reach The Hexagon via Castle Street will now be redirected to The Anvil in Basingstoke.

The Knives Cost Lives campaign has been hailed a great success by Reading criminals as figures show that the Thames Valley is the seventh worst hotspot in the country for knife related crime. Slasher McKenzie told us: "I used to go out armed with a mere knuckle duster until the advertising campaign woke me up to the flexibility of the Tilehurst Toothpick. Now I'm never out without it."

However, Inspector Jon Fox believes that things could be about to change. "The Thames Valley is no better or worse than most police areas up and down the country. Our dedicated knife crime team, Operation Blunt, visits schools, pubs and clubs across Berkshire armed with copies of James Blunt's 'Back to Bedlam'. A few plays of 'You're Beautiful' or 'Goodbye My Lover' is usually sufficient to turn the most hardened criminal into a gibbering wreck who is more likely to slit their own throat than threaten honest citizens again."

After yet another defeat by Arsenal, Reading manager Steve Coppell has once again demanded that English clubs should be forced by the Premier League to develop better English players.

Mr. Coppell has asked Reading Trading Standards to look into some recent transactions involving English Arsenal players. "Arsenal are a bloody disgrace. Over the last few years we had Matthew Upson on loan and then they sold us James Harper and Steve Sidwell. They knew at the time they sold them to us that they were not good enough to play in their first team."

However, the Reading boss has denied that his position was dictated by xenophobia "Far from it. If the big teams were forced to field a minimum number of English players then perhaps we'd have a chance against them. Let's face it any team playing English players is at a huge disadvantage. Why do you think I've only got eleven of them in my squad of 31?"

Reading Borough Council's Cabinet has given their approval to a multi-million pound plan to bury the Inner Distribution Road.

The lead councillor for transport Tom Crisp welcomed the move. "It's been a bloody disaster for us, so we're going to take it out the back of the Civic Centre and shoot it. Unfortunately we've spent all our budget on the enabling works for the scrapped one way system, so it will have to be a shallow grave. The good news though is that Mandy and Beth Jordache of Brookside Close have promised to help out. We just hope that someone out walking their dog doesn't discover it and try to dig it up again at election time."

However, moves to hide the remains of the IDR under a patio have been dropped. The new plans will see the patio replaced by decking over the IDR, but it does now mean that Tommy Walsh will be able to do the work for free as part of the next series of Ground Force.

An investigation into a drunken pub crawl by the University football team has identified failings within the University as well as censuring the football society. Marauding students trashed Zizzi restaurant before moving on to Ha! Ha! Bar – where one drunken student urinated over the bar whilst others vomited and stole crisps.

The internal report cited 'inexperienced' bar staff as a contributory factor. "We had taken on extra people to cope with Freshers' Week and it would appear that one member of staff at Bar 360 did not have sufficient experience of serving alcohol to students. I have to say that his CV looked good, Postman, bin man, teaching assistant and a council graffiti cleaner, but we should have been a little more cautious about taking him on when he said his day job was being an MP."

With news that disgraced former Conservative Cabinet minister and lying jailbird Jonathan Aitken has been asked to lead a Tory study into prison reform, local Tories are keen to follow the national lead by inviting more poachers turned game keepers to help formulate local policies.

Their local chairman told us: "We've asked Rob Wilson's former agent David Ashworth to lead our transport and policing reviews. After all he has masses of experience in these matters, so we're hoping that he'll be able to advise on the best route to take when pissed to avoid the rozzers and which pub walls are best to hide behind." Local Tories are also planning to appoint Wazir Hussain to their violent crime and community relations taskforce.

Reading Borough Council is secretly looking to appoint a new chief executive after finding out that Tricia Haines has been applying for other jobs. The current council boss was one of three applicants who applied for the £200,000 a year post at Cambridge County Council. They were impressed by the applicant's willingness to get involved in promoting unpopular policies and allowing herself to be photographed for political purposes. Especially commended was her idea to make The Cut one way to alleviate punt congestion.

However, after the news of her job interview leaked out, Trish has been quick to reassure the people of Reading that she would continue to serve them right up until: "the right sort of job offer comes along, then I'm out of this dump."

A special gala performance to celebrate 30 years of the Hexagon was attended by the mayor and sponsors, but unfortunately nobody from the press because of a mistake by the marketing department who told us: "A slight hiccup there. We forgot to explicitly tell the local papers about the free bar. I think they misunderstood it when we told them that they would be able to enjoy a few Brahms and Liszt performances. However, the Mayor more than made up for the lack of press at the finger buffet."

The show featured Julian Lloyd Webber and Lesley Garrett performing with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, but plans to start the Hexagon's demolition by using real cannons during the 1812 Overture were scrapped after Lesley Garrett leaked the news that work on the replacement theatre had been delayed by proposing a toast to: "the next 30 years of the Hexagon."

From the GetReading web site:

Yes, it's amazing what a shave and a haircut can do for a politician as Rob White cleans up his act to attract voters.

Watch it Rob... don't take your shirt off, you're the candidate!

Update: The spoilsports at the Post have 'corrected' it, but you can see the original page here

For a short period during the early evening of 5th November the Reading Borough Council website was affected by a piece of software that attempted to pass malicious software to user’s computers.

Unwitting visitors may have downloaded a video advertising itself as 'Jo and Viki Get Down and Dirty' or 'Daisy Pulls It Off' and inadvertedly installed a trojan* program which would redirect their browsers to Reading Borough Council Payments Online, a notorious phishing* site which lures people into handing over their bank and credit card details and then emptying their accounts.

If anyone has fallen victim to this scam, don't come running to us. We have no idea how to run a computer system.

RBC Computer Glossary

• Trojan - something pretending to be something that it isn't... like 'electoral roll registration'
• Phishing - Martin Salter attempting to use tax payers' money for political advantage.
• Worm - maggot like creatures often found in RBC bins
• Zombie - a 'more than my jobsworth' council employee
• Backdoor Attack - oh er, missus.
• Denial of Service - response you get trying to get the council to do something

Councillors have given the go-ahead for yet another fast food establishment on Whitley Street. Permission for the new gastronomic emporium will bring the total of take-aways on this short stretch of road to 12.

Councillor Richard Stainthorp, was happy that a new take away wouldn't lead to bins filling up. "Why would they? There's plenty of room on the street for rubbish. However, my constituents in Elizabeth Walk need a varied diet and the 3 chinese, 2 kebab, 2 indian, 2 pizza, 1 fried chicken and 1 hot roast take aways just don't give them enough choice after a busy day watching Cash in the Attic."

However, suspicions abound that the new take away is in fact being sponsored by Reading Borough Council in an attempt to drive up business at their Pilates classes at the South Reading Youth and Community Centre as the council announce extra classes to cope with Reading's obesity epidemic.

The Green Party in Reading has announced its candidates for the next general election and after a nail biting count of at least three or four seconds and two recounts, we can reveal that there are no changes from 2005.

Rob White was selected as the candidate for Reading East, just beating Worzel Gummidge into second place courtesy of a spoiled ballot paper. In neighbouring Reading West, Adrian Windisch won by a landslide as he picked up both votes and he thanked Rob for his support. We asked whether Rob planned to shy away away from big issues now he was in the media spotlight and he told us: "Definitely not, I could be selling them myself very soon."