Tony Page has denied that he invited Jack Straw to Reading for a tour of Newtown in a bid to distract the media's attention away from an Audit Commission report published this morning that gives Reading Borough Council only a one star rating for community safety.

The Abbey ward Councillor told us: "It's ridiculous to suggest that I have invited him here to draw a veil over it. Jack is a dear friend of mine and he said he'd be only be too happy to stick his head in the sand with me and pretend that all we've done is to move the dealers around the corner. But whilst he's here we're going to perform a quick sweep for Weapons of Mass Destruction. They must be here somewhere, Jack tells me he's certain of it."

When we pressed the Chair of the Safer Reading Forum on the Audit Commission's findings he admitted: "You always take the negative out of any situation. If you read the report carefully you'll see that the poor value for money and high crime rate suffered in Reading means that we are delighted to have been awarded a 'promising' rating for Prospects for Improvement. Let's face it, things could hardly get any worse." At this point Mr. Page had to leave to prevent Martin Salter from stealing his guest from under his nose.

Martin Salter has raised the matter of forced marriages in Parliament during this week's Prime Minister's Questions. The Reading West MP asked Gordon Brown why universities are not putting up posters warning Student Union presidents about becoming the victims of forced marriages, or women only shortlists as they are more commonly known in Westminster.

He told Parliament: "Often these women are the most vulnerable members of the party, they are young, have little grasp of the language and are poorly briefed about the local area. They are sometimes made to live in cramped accomodation addresses and forced to say or do things that may go against their fundmental beliefs just to get elected."

Gordon Brown replied that he was concerned by the reports and that he would try and find her a safe seat elsewhere.

At a full council meeting former Mayor of Reading Bet Tickner called on Reading Borough Council to organise a birthday party for Nelson Mandela's 90th.

Councillor Willis spoke out against the idea to honour Mandela. "We should not be using council tax payers money to celebrate the lives of terrorists." The whites only regime supporting councillor for Peppard temporarily halted his speech to allow Councillor Andrew Cumpsty to whisper to him that David Cameron had changed the official Tory position on Mandela before he continued: "Mandela is a great statesman and worthy of honour, but we should also include F.W. de Klerk in the celebrations for bravely giving the black population their own country back." Mr. Willis's amendment was however struck off when it was discovered that de Klerk was not old enough to have a 90th birthday party as well.

Fred Pugh had to leave the debate early for medical assistance as he was about to choke on his words.

• Job: Chief Executive, READING BC
• Employer: READING BC
• Contact: Terry McDougall
• Location: Reading
• Permanent Hours: Full Time
• Salary: up to £154k

Public service in the 21st century: it's hard to summarise, but you know it when you see it. Let us know when you find it.

For us, it includes the daily reward of frustrating the poplace, with a feckless and lazy group of elected members who'll do whatever we say, and a committed staff team keen to continue their impressive services to Reading Labour Party.

So the chance to deliver a once-in-a-generation chance of screwing up the physical and civic fabric of the town, not to mention getting nowhere trying to get South Oxfordshire to agree to a third bridge, is an added bonus.

In a role with so much to offer, we have ludicrously high expectations of our new Chief Executive: your ideas, an impressive list of mates in high places and a willingness to ride roughshod over others will set you apart. It's a significant public and community leadership position, so candidates need to be instinctively comfortable in knowing which side their bread is buttered on. And as we maintain our drive for continued improvement in services, we want someone who can sack staff without upsetting Unison.

The council's wider partnerships will continue to be as critical as we sell the town off to the developers leaving you free to concentrate on your task of raising revenue. Candidates need to have the brass kahunas to tell local residents to bugger off and thick skinned enough to go around pretending that a small town in Berkshire really is a city by shamelessly adding residents in neighbouring boroughs to the population to massage the figures.

• Closing date: 22 February 2008.

The assault case involving Tory councillor Wazir Hussain and Saeed Iqbal, vice chairman of Reading’s Pakistani Community Centre, has collapsed as the Crown Prosecution Service withdrew its case after all the key witnesses refused to testify. The local Reading Pakistani Community Association has denied putting pressure on the witnesses to keep the matter out of the courts.

Mr Hussain commenting on the withdrawal of the case read from a prepared statement on Reading Taxi Association headed notepaper: "I forgive for the good of the Muslim community as a whole and now wish to put the entire matter behind me. I would like to make it quite clear that I walked into a door and accidentally punched myself several times. It was an accident and I apologise for ever insinuating that such a fine upstanding pillar of the community such as Mr. Iqbal was capable of such thuggery. Was that okay?"

The editor would like to apologise for wimping out of publishing the originally scripted gag, but he'd be useless in a fight.

Reading Conservatives have selected their candidates for the 2008 local elections and have got straight down to business sending out glossy leaflets rather than campaigning.

Nick Fortesque-Allen said how he was jolly excited to be picked as the Tory candidate for Katesgrove. "Golly, yes. It was completely unexpected. I was dreading being blackballed by being selected for Whitley at the hustings, but was assured that I was the best candidate on paper for Kategrove. I think my vendition to the hoi polloi of Elizabeth Walk their daily ration of prawn and advocado bagettes with a balsamic dressing was the clincher. Yah."

Laurence "Flashman" Farquar-Farquarson-Taylor-Smythe was also enthusiastic at being selected. "Crikey. Following in the footsteps of Robert 'Crumpet Cheeks' Wilson as your Redlands SDP candidate. Gosh. It's a real honour. Hopefully it won't distract too much from my rugger activities. Lord Ashcroft has promised Mater and Pater lots of money so that I won't have to get my hands dirty shaking hands with the plebians. Ah, my chums have arrived. We're off to debag those oiks from Thames Valley University. Pip Pip."

Rob Wilson has denied in Parliament ever being a member of the SDP after being accused of being one in a debate on the Sale of Student Loans Bill, despite standing as an SDP candidate for Redlands in local elections.

Stephen Williams: Like me, the hon. Member for Reading, East got interested in politics in the 1980s — I believe that we were in the same party at that point.
Mr. Wilson: No, we were not.
Stephen Williams: We have been in the same party at one point.
Mr. Wilson: No, we have not.
Stephen Williams: We were both members of the Social Democratic party once.
Mr. Wilson: No, I was not.
Stephen Williams: I stand corrected.

The debate ended when the division cock crowed as Rob denied David Owen three times.
A former member of the SDP who refused to be named told us: "The impetuousness of youth; having principles; believing in something. I soon grew out of that, so did Rob. That's why we joined the Tory party. Ian Smith rest in peace."

The Vetus Gens Ite Domum Polish Diversity Association has fallen out with the long standing Dom Polski club after the council offered to sort out premises and give them a grant in return for voting Labour helping translate important electoral registration documents. A member of Dom Polski complained: "We've never asked the council for anything and we've received it in abundance. Now this bunch come over here and offer to plaster over the cracks in the Labour vote and the council hand over cash quicker than you can take a fish from the Thames."

The Mayor Chris Maskell welcomed the creation of the new group after granting them an audience, although it is not known if his guests were made to kiss his ring. "It is important to remember that people expect the Mayor to be above party politics and debate. However I noticed that most young Polish people in Reading had absolutely no interest in politics, which makes them ideal Labour voters. And when there is an opening ceremony to attend, just try to stop me. They've promised me plenty of makowiec. Must dash... I also have to sort out some more taxi ranks ahead of the elections just to be on the safe side."

More details of how Reading Borough Council has managed to keep it's headline council tax rise down to 1.9% have been revealed in a recent Audit Commission report. The latest figures show that 10% of Reading Borough Council's revenue now comes from sales, fees and charges such as parking and bus lane fines, rather than from council tax.

However, bribing staff with a prize of £10 per week to improve Direct Debit payment of council tax failed to significantly reduce costs so the council hopes to boost these figures over the next few years with initiatives such as 'Park or be Taken for a Ride' and "Pay Through the Nose If You Throw" schemes and the extension of the Readi-ID card to all residents who wish to enter the town centre's pubs and clubs after 7pm.

muckspReading has finally announced advertising rates for the web site. Yes, for only £10 you too can have your advert as the frontpage story for a whole week. Whether you are a local hairdresser or a underage booze selling multi-national supermarket, all you have to do is offer to give away a tenner to a deserving cause or even a random stranger, issue a press release and we'll do the rest. It's as simple as that. We'll even throw in an editorial praising your philanthropy at no extra cost.

This offer is not to be used in conjunction with advertising featuring local councillors paid for by the council in advance of local elections.

A speed camera in Northumberland Avenue has been revealed to have been operating with no film in it despite 35 casualties in three years and several schools along the popular rat run.

A council spokesman told us: "We can't waste valuable council resources on preventing accidents when there's revenue to be made from inappropriately sited and hidden Gatsos. They're the ones that really need to have film in them. How the hell did you think we'd be able to keep the council tax rise down to 1.9% without being able to fleece motorists?"

Reading School hosted a visit of shadow schools minister Michael Gove to mark the school's success after 32 pupils were acccepted for Oxbridge this year. He told staff and students: "I want to examine the ingredients and the DNA of this school to understand what makes it so successful. I can't believe for one minute that it is because Reading School selects the best pupils, gets £500,000 specialist funding and extra money from Microsoft. Crikey, if that were the case and we had to promise to give all schools the same amount of resources and banned selection we'd be up to our knees in council estate oiks wanting to go to Oxford and Cambridge."

Plans to use drug sniffer dogs at the Madejski Stadium were dealt a blow when news of the police operation was leaked to the Manchester United squad in advance of the game. Sir Alex Ferguson faxed the club warning that they would be unable to fulfil the fixture if the checks went ahead.

The fax read: "We are very sorry to inform you that we will not be able to field a full team from our first team squad for Saturday's match. Once news about your plans to drug test people entering the stadium spread around our training facility, Rio Ferdinand slipped out of the ground telling his team mates he was going shopping and that his mobile would be off. We apologise for any inconvenience."

Martin Salter, the Supporters Trust at Reading (STAR) Vice-President and supporter of cannabis liberalisation, has denied putting pressure on the club by refusing to go to matches unless they called off their dogs.

More details have emerged of Andrew Cumpsty's election as Tory Group Leader. After winning the crucial vote at Monday's meeting, he gave the blue rinse brigade a rousing victory speech.

"I'd like to thank my colleagues who have made this day possible. There are too many to mention, but I'd like to give special thanks to Fred and Rik, without whom I wouldn't be where I am today. Is your Dad proud of you Rik? He's never said so has he, son? Now back to my manifesto. Simple. Reading Conservatives, it's my gaff, my rules. And where would we be without rules, eh? That's right, Islington. And where would we be with too many rules? Swindon. And where would we be with laws that favoured cyclists? Cambridge. And where would we be with laws that allowed animal fighting? You've got it, Whitley."

Mr. Cumpsty then invited the Tory group for some celebratory drinks, pints for the men and a fruit based drink or a white wine for the ladies, followed by a few Queen songs on the karaoke. Rik Willis however refused to join in on the chorus of 'Another One Bites The Dust' citing a sore throat and a bruised ego.

Reading Borough Council have announced that this year's council tax increase will be 1.9%. This is welcome news for Labour councillors ahead of what many believe will be difficult local elections.

In an email to staff, David Sutton said: "I believe that it will be widely welcomed - not least, of course, by the very many Council staff who are Reading residents. I'm sure the below inflation council tax increase will make them jump with joy and forget the increases to their bus fares, their below Retail Price Index pay rises and their slashed staffing levels. I would also like to thank Unison for their continued donations to the local Labour Party which makes all this possible."

With Fred Pugh leaving to spend more time with his model Garratt engines on his Bulawayo shunting yard train set, Reading Conservatives have picked their new Übergrüppenfuhrer. In a keenly fought contest Andrew Cumpsty, Wasir Hussein and Isobel Ballsdon threw their names into a cardboard box, with Andrew "Pub Landlord" Cumpsty emerging as the victor of the back of an envelope vote.

In the end the choice was simple as Mr. Hussein failed to attract enough votes with many in the group believing that he would be no good in a fight, whilst Ms. Ballsdon had to be content with being made secretary because of her obvious qualifications - she's a girl.

After his victory Group Leader Cumpsty said: "It is a real privilege to be elected as the new leader and I'd like to thank Squadron Leader Rik Willis for his late night milk and cookies session on Political Betting which made all this possible. Tally-Ho!"

A Mills & Boon author has chosen the unlikely setting of Reading for the action of her latest novel. Pam Olive, who lives in central Reading has set her 'chick-lit' novel in the pressure cooker environment of the Civic Offices.

In an attempt to make her life as exciting as a planning meeting Chief Executive Trinny Baines falls for the advances of town planner Peter Bratt. After a one way stand he dumps our heroine and disappears leaving her with an unworkable master plan. She meets Jon Hogarth who promises to look after her bastard child, but he too deserts her to spend more time with his newspaper column.

With Sir Richard Wallace the evil Tory squire of Peppard planning to do away with her completely, she is driven out of the town into the arms of a £200,000 salary. Will Trinny find true love in the wilds of Worcestershire? Or will her offspring reek terrible revenge on the population of Reading? Will anyone notice when she has gone?

Available now at all council paper recycling bins

Reading's Spurs supporting striker Dave Kitson has been arrested for failing to provide a breath sample after being stopped by police. A bleary eyed Kitson was pulled over after Arsenal's late comeback in the Carling Cup Semi-Final 1st leg proved to much for him. The player is rumoured to have told police: "When are we ever going to beat the bastards? We can't seem to beat them when the year starts with a 2. It's enough to drive a Spurs fan to drink or is that enough drink for a Spurs fan to drive?" Kitson was said to be watching the match in the pub because he couldn't upgrade his black and white TV to a new HD Ready one as his Tottenham League Championship videos won't play on modern television equipment.

The player recently caused controversy when he asked his team mates to throw the 3rd Round FA Cup game at Tottenham Hotspur because he'd already bought his tickets to see Spurs vs Manchester United in the 4th Round.

The John Madejski Academy has been rated the fifth worst state School in the country in the latest GCSE league tables.

Local Labour councillor and school governor Mary Singleton-White complained: "The league tables are an extremely unfair way of measuring the achievements of pupils. By concentrating on how many pass their GCSEs it gives a misleading impression that schools are there to teach children. We should instead be hailing these results as a marvellous success. Let's face it, whoever would have thought that 7% of Whitley kids had it in them to actually turn up at the exam, let alone pass it?"

Fellow school governor Martin Salter MP rallied on the school's sponsor Mr. Madejski to save the failing establishment. "Come on John, another £106 and we can turn this school around and save Gordon Brown having to get out his dusty wallet to provide proper education across the country. If I have my way, there's a Knighthood in it for you."

Drunken revellers pushed the Accident and Emergency department at Royal Berkshire Hospital to breaking point as it suffered its busiest New Year's Day on record with riot police in attendance after a mass brawl in the town centre.

Kylie and Jason from Whitley however were happy with the service: "We'd popped down to a Wetherspoons pub to listen to a few Gangsta' tunes wiv' da'kidz and they threw us out after only two drinks. What do they expect us to do all day? We wuv' only chillin'. We had to send little Diezel and Britney down to Tesco to get some Tennents Super, then we came here to watch the big fight. It's cheaper than Sky Box Office!

One hospital administrator complained about the number of drunks: "We should have the right to ban the inebriated from the hospital site. They're not going to pay us anything for car parking."

Reading Borough Council are to set up a Music Licencing Committee to police music in town centre pubs and clubs. Music will have to be submitted to the scrutiny panel before being played or the venue could face heavy fines or closure. Labour councillors are convinced that it is the music causing the violence and it is nothing to do with the amount of bars that they have allowed to open with inadequate policing over the last 10 years. Tony Page, Chair of both the Ethnic Minorities Forum and the Safer Reading Campaign who will now be in charge of vetting music told us: "I-I'm afraid music in the modern idiom, is too repetitive for my tastes. Although the rhythm has a certain, ah, hypnotic quality."

Songs with lyrics about violence or drinking set to be banned. The Clash's 'White Riot', Britney Spear's 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and Chumbawumba's 'Tubthumping' join the banned list, whilst anyone caught playing D:Ream's 'Things can only get better' will receive a massive fine from the Labour controlled authority for reminding people that things clearly haven't.

The Reading Festival line up will also go before the Music Committee's scrutiny panel for approval and bands risk joining the already extensive list of groups forbidden to play there which includes: The Killers, And You Will Know Us by the Trail of the Dead, Death Cab for Cutie, Foo Fighters, Funeral for a Friend, Guns n' Roses, Jimmy Eat World, The Kills, Megadeath, My Chemical Romance, New Model Army, Porno for Pyros and Velvet Revolver whilst the Butthole Surfers will be prevented from leaving Reading Station if they dare show up in the town.

However, music in The Retreat will be exempt from these orders as its jukebox has been listed by English Heritage as a scheduled ancient monument.

There is shock news from Reading Borough Council as a press release is issued without any fatuous comments from a lead councillor. The opening of the new waste transfer station at the Civic Amenity Site has been postponed because of a construction defect and announcing the embarrassing cancellation of the opening ceremony, Project Manager Oliver Burt said: "I've been looking everywhere for Steve Waite to get a quote from him but he seems to have disappeared. It's odd, he was chomping at the bit when we asked him for a quote for the original opening ceremony press release. I guess I'll have to stick my head up above the parapet and endure the flak instead."

The Council's Press Offfice told us: The member/officer protocol is quite clear here. Reading Borough Council will make every effort to feature a Lead Councillor in every good news story, but if any press release features bad news or could be embarrassing to the local Labour Party, RBC officers are under strict instructions to take a bullet for them and have their name plastered prominently on the press release instead. It's the least we can do for our lords and masters."

The Mayor, Chris Maskell, was said to be very disappointed with the delay to the lavish opening ceremony as the council had already ordered the cakes and buns.

A local web site stands accused of stealing users details without their knowledge. One Evening Post reporter complained: "Disappointed by the low number of press releases from Reading Borough Council this month, I paid muckspReading a visit. Imagine my surprise when shortly after visiting it the owner of the site emailed one of my colleagues with my inside leg measurements, what I'd had for breakfast and how I'd voted on Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing."

Mr. Swaine, who has recently been helping the Thames Valley Police with their enquiries, was unrepentant. "Snooping on visitors is the one thing that keeps me going. People will never find the google search results page on this site. Although it's been there since day one, no one knows about it, cunningly hidden in the menu system as it is."

Fellow Liberal Democrat, Gareth Epps, told us: "I take issue with the inaccurate reporting about Mr. Swaine. 'Lib Dem Activist' my arse! That lazy bastard keeps sneaking off to football and is about as active as Britney Spears' babysitter."

Anneliese Dodds has hit out angrily at suggestions that for someone who is against Post Office closures, student tuition fees, the war on Iraq and the Trident missile system that perhaps she joined the wrong party.

In an letter to the Evening Post she defended her position: "How do they expect an ambitious former Oxford University Student President to get on in politics? Support a party that actually believes in what she believes in? Balderdash, I'd never get elected if that was the case. No, I'm sticking with Labour and hope that those stupid enough to think that they are still a socialist party and haven't become Tory-Lite will vote for me. Local people deserve an MP who will stand up for their interests, not a party-political automaton. I much prefer the term party-political puppet. Was that okay Mr. Salter?"

Anneliese™ is a trademark of Mattel Inc.

Rik Willis has expressed delight at being cleared to work again in the Houses of Parliament. The Rhodesian Race row aide said: "It's been been a complete nightmare orchestrated by a bunch of commies angered by my support for General Pinochet. At least now when I go to work I won't have to wear this ridiculous disguise anymore."

His boss, the Reading East MP Rob Wilson, told us: "There is a certain protocol that needs to be followed in such situations. An abject apology through gritted teeth; lying low for a few weeks and then a quiet reinstatement press release for page 13 of the local paper hoping that no one will notice it. But I can tell you that I won't be allowing him to use my House of Parliament computer to access the internet in the evenings again."

Labour councillors in Reading are set to announce a crack down on street drinking by bringing in a Reading wide ban on drinking in public places ahead of the local elections.

Bet Tickner, Chair of the licensing committee explained: "Things have got completely out of hand. Alcohol is available freely 24 hours a day. Younsgters can get cheap booze from Tesco who now have planning permission to expand into west Reading. Licenced premises stay open until the early hours and there aren't enough police officers to deal with drunk and disorderly behaviour. It's an absolute digrace that it was ever allowed to get to this situation. The people responsible should be hounded out of office. Oh, it was us. Er, would you like a brown paper bag with that bottle of White Lightning sir?"