A state-of-the-art monorail has been proposed to ease congestion and improve access to Heathrow airport from Reading. Lyle Lanley of the Thames Valley Economic Partnership set out the case in a presentation by TVEP to business leaders and Government ministers at the House of Commons. Mr. Lanley told them: "Well, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail!"

Questions were put to Mr. Langley on behalf of local people. Friends of the Earth were worried by the environmental damage and asked: I hear those things are awfully loud..." "It glides as softly as a cloud." Reading Taxi Association was also worried: "Would spell the taxis' end?" "Not on your life, my muslim friend." The impact on unemployment was also brought up: "What about us brain-dead slobs?" "You'll be given cushy jobs." While the Bishop of Reading spoke for all when he asked: "Were you sent here by the devil?", "No, good sir, I'm on the level."

However, one resident told us: "I'm worried that if First Great Western get the franchise, our bags might not even turn up at Terminal 5 in time to be lost."

A brutal cage-fighting event at the Civic Offices was 'unsafe' and 'glorified violence', according to an outraged councillor. Tory leader Councillor Andrew Cumpsty said he was shocked by what he saw at the Tory group meeting that saw him elected Conservative leader on Reading Council on the casting vote of the chair.

Cage-fighting is one of the world’s fastest growing sports in which two Tories in a caged “hexagon” use a variety of underhand and dirty tactics to knock their opponent out and win the bout.

Speaking after the meeting, Cllr Cumpsty said: “What I am concerned about is the graphic and violent way it was conducted... but I couldn't take my eyes away from it. When's the next leadership contest?"

The next Tory Cage Fight will be at the Rivermead Leisure Centre just after the count when Rik Willis will once again attempt to take control of the group.

Private wheel clampers are charging up to £165 to release pushchairs parked illegally in Fobney Road. One mother from Whitley told us: I'd just stopped to light up me fag on me way to the magistrates court and before you knew it, some men in flourescent jackets came from nowhere and clamped me buggy. They demanded £165 or they would tow Ashley to Swindon. I wouldn't mind, but being mugged is cheaper and quicker."

A spokeman for the clampers was unrepentant and told us: "They've got wheels haven't they. No stopping. They know the rules."

Tesco chiefs are said to be horrified that the car park of the giant new Tesco in Battle is being used by prostitutes after two girls were caution for selling themselves without Street Trading Consent.

Adam Fisher, a spokesman for Tesco, said: "It's not right that independent traders still seem to be able to operate within a mile of our store, so we are planning to open a new TescoXXXtra in Western Elms Avenue to drive them out of business."

Mystery surrounding free publicity given to Tesco by the local press was solved when it was discovered that Carolyn McCall, Chief Executive of Guardian Newspapers Limited, is also a non-executive Director of Tesco plc.

Election fever grips Reading as deals for votes are done, postal votes snaffled, multiple persons registered at different addresses and thousands of pounds of public money poured into ensuring a hotly contested campaign. In a repeat of last year, the council's press department will be working overtime to ensure a spate of "Lead Councillor for..." press releases during April, whilst the Post Office will be snowed under by a barrage of 'Parliamentary Reports'.

Once again the Apathy Party look to sweep to power and become Reading's ruling administration. Their plans to sit on their backsides and moan and whinge seems to have struck a chord with voters.

Controversial rocker Pete Doherty was back in Reading to play a secret gig. But first the Babyshambles frontman visited the toilet in the Royal Albion before leaving and walking unaided down Oxford Road.

muckspReading met Doherty as he popped into the gents shortly after ordering a pint of Stella. He entered one of the cubicles and used 6 sheets of toilet paper. This is Doherty’s latest frolic into West Reading. He has been seen out and about in the area a number of times over the past month and is rumoured to be dating a local girl.

He told muckspReading: "Will you get out of my bloody way? Can't a man have a pint in peace anymore?" Kate Moss’s former beau had been into the toilet previously but had to leave because he couldn't go with someone standing too close to him.

The landlord said he was delighted when he saw the talented but controversial rock star walk in. "I saw him looking through the window and then he came in," he said. "He asked if he could pop into the loo, but I said that it was for customers only, so he bought a pint and then made use of the facilities. I thought he was a really nice guy and he was happy to chat, but he got a little bit uncomfortable when a crowd gathered in there. I think that's why he used a cubicle."

Tomorrow we have an exclusive report on Kate Winslet's shopping trip to the new Battle Tesco to pick up a pint of semi-skimmed milk

Reading Tories have released their much anticipated 'Roadmap' and have laughed off accusations that it is a 'back of a fag packet' job. Mike Townend told us: "Definitely not. With a bit of tippex we've managed to fit it all on the front of the fag packets."

After months of pouring over the submissions to the Independent Traffic Commission and stealing ideas, the Conservative vision for Reading they maintain is a green one, continuing to pursue the shift from the car to alternative forms of transport such as 4x4s and people carriers. To achieve this they plan to built a dirty great big road demolishing the horseshoe bridge through to the A3290, although they are hoping that no-one will tell Wokingham Council about the reinstatement of the Cross-Town Route this side of the election. The new Ian Smith Expressway will help speed the school run to Reading's grammar schools. "It's bloody inconvenient when Nanny has to take Tarquin to school in the X5 and gets stuck behind a bus."

They also want to eliminate the river speed limit to encourage the use of speedboats by commuters along the Kennet and Thames. "The river is an under-utilised resource. Why should one be forced to keep one's yacht over-wintering in some marina when it could be used to avoid the traffic? And heliports. We definitely need a few heliports for when ones chums want to drop in unexpectedly."

Other plans include introducing Park and Ride schemes where anyone can park outside your house all day for free and ride a bus into town.

A group of travellers set up camp in Prospect Park and looked to be staying for the Bank Holiday weekend until local politicians became involved. MPs Rob Wilson and Martin Salter have engaged in an increasingly macho war of words in an attempt to have them moved on.

Mr. Wilson told us: "They come here with their dodgy cars and try to relieve unwitting householders of their money through their games of chance. I've had several reports of people being taken for a ride by them. It must be stopped." Martin Salter also complained: "Residents have told me that these people have been steaming around Reading and using air rifles in the park and I am contacting the agencies to make sure that they are forced to move on before they cause any more nuisance."

One local resident has spoken out against the MPs' moves. "I was going to take my children to Carter's Steam Fair this weekend, but it seems the police have rounded them up and moved them on. Little Jake has been crying all week, he was so looking forward to it."

Stop Press: due to a mix up, we mistakenly printed 'dodgy cars' when of course it should have read 'dodgem cars'

Reading Borough Council are pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. Brittas as Chief Executive to the Council. Mr. Brittas has had extensive experience running Crawley Leisure Centre and is looking forward to the challenge of running RBC.

He told the interview panel that he has a dream, a grand dream, to bring the townspeople together in peace and harmony through sport. In order to achieve this dream he has worked his way through the ranks of leisure centre officialdom, reaching the level of leisure centre manager, head of Culture and Sport at Maidenhead and Windsor, until finally becoming Chief Executive of Reading.

He first announcement after securing the job was a change to the Town's motto to "Semper, Omnibus, Facultas". When we asked him of his plans to improve the image of Reading Borough Council as a place that doesn't listen to local residents he told us: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. If you want to make a complaint Julie can give you a form and you can post it in the box in reception."

It's the end of an era as the last ever edition of the Labour Party fanzine Live Reading has been published by Reading Borough Council. Featuring no less than 17 plugs for Labour Councillors in the first 23 pages, and not a single mention of any other party's councillors, Labour activists are sad to see the loss of such a generous show of Council Tax funded publicity, but cheer its final appearance and free delivery before the election purdah period kicks in.

Highlights Include:
• Labour - we're so brilliant
• Anyone want some land for a quid
• Don't mention the money wasted on the IDR
• ...or the one star rating for Community Safety.

Sponsored by the Reading Evening Post, the last issues will be hitting your doorsteps just before the postal vote forms are sent out.

A crash involving a lorry carrying oranges on the A329M was blamed on the driver failing to concentrate. It caused enormous jams as drivers tried to squeeze past before police could close that segment of road to preserve the evidence. The accident left one Mama late taking her daughter Clementine to nursery school after her Citron narrowly avoided crashing into the lorry. No one was injured, but an ambulance was in attendance to provide lemon-aid.

A police spokesmandarin commented: "Drivers are advised that trying to find an alternative route will be fruit-less. However, it was touch tango whether the road would be reopened in time for the evening rush hour, so we are warning commuters to keep their eyes peeled."

Reading's schools appeals procedures are creaking under the pressure as hundred of pupils' parents appeal against decisions to send their children to distant schools. With the closure of Ryeish Green by Wokingham Council, pupils normally sent there have flooded the admissions procedure resulting in children being forced to travel half way across the Borough for their secondary education. Children from New Christ School who would normally expect to be sent to its catchment school the John Madejski Academy has seen absolutely no pupils admitted to it because of the admissions chaos.

Suspicions abound that the problems have been deliberately engineered by Wokingham Tories to boost their league table results at the expense of Reading children, but one parent told us: "as with all conspiracy theories, you should look for those who have most to gain." Reading Buses were unavailable for comment.

Reading Conservatives have hit out at Lib Dem plans for a 10,000% rise in council tax.

Former senior Lib Dem Ali Asghar has been briefing his new colleagues on his former party's plans. He told us: "I can tell you that as well as increasing the council tax to a hundred-fifty million pounds per person, when I was in the Lib Dems they planned to give free drugs to burglars and car thieves, invite travellers to use council car parks for free, cut the teenage pregnancy rate in Reading by forcing all year 10 pupils to be gay, twin the town with Havana and introduce non-contact boxing into all council run sports facilities."

Local Lib Dem Councillor Kirsten Bayes complained. "Mr. Asghar has broken a confidentiality agreement by revealing all our secret plans. We hope that when he is standing for the Tories that he doesn't do what he did last time and run away from the Labour tellers like a little girl. It was very embarrassing."

How to plant a tree the Labour way...

No photo opportunity is beneath the leader of the council, who knows when it might be needed to fill space in an election leaflet?

Simply follow these simple steps:

1. Ask Evening Post cameraman to attend event
2. Get photogenic kiddies to stand in front.
3. Get someone else to do all the work.
4. Claim in Katesgrove Banner to have personally planted a tree.

Reading Borough Council has sent Mick Spreader a letter accusing him of illegally claiming a council tax discount. The council's fraud-busters, Data Tank, have thoroughly checked through his rubbish bins and performed credit reference checks and charged him with cohabiting whilst claiming a 25% discount.

The letter states:
"In your case we have found information that you may be living with Matilda Thecat. We have cross-referenced your data with the Evening Post's letters page and she has been sending emails from your address and has opened up an account with a tinned tuna importing company. We also have reason to believe that she has unrestricted access to your house."

Mr. Spreader has denied any impropriety and told us: "She's a cat."

People wanting to avoid the audit are being recommended to simply not register to vote as the council have not included a fair collection notice with the voter registration forms and they disclose the information to commercial third parties outside the National Fraud Initiative guidelines.

The long running saga of the Green Road Mosque has finally been settled after the council agreed to lease the land for the new building. However, as a consequence of the record busting 115 parking spaces, the entire RBC Nottingham Declaration commitment to reducing climate change has been suspended indefinitely.

Once the new mosque has been in use for two years, the council has agreed to give the Pakistani community the option of buying the land for a nominal fee of £1. Council leader David Sutton said: "I am delighted we have finally brought this long story to a successful conclusion just before the local elections and I refute all accusations that it is simply a bribe."

Saeed Iqbal, who is not a member of the local Labour Party, has been visiting fellow members of the Pakistani Community and asking them to deliver votes for Mr. Sutton in gratitude for his hard work. "Remember my motto, vote early and vote often. Anyone need a taxi to the polling station?"

Plans to transform Reading into a modern and exciting 21st Century city have been unveiled for public inspection. The Reading Central Area Action Plan (RCAAP) will promote Reading's booming town centre as a top-class location for business, retail, leisure and culture.

Councillor Tom Crisp, the council's lead member for planning and transport, read out from a statement prepared for him by the council's PR department: "These are genuinely exciting proposals for the centre of our town. We will have hover-bikes and children will go to school using jet packs. People will live in mile high skyscrapers and food will be supplied free for everyone by the Government of Tesco. We will only have to work for 10 hours a week, there will be robots to do all the house work for us and everyone will be able to have their summer holidays in communes on the moon."

Tom Crisp is stepping down as councillor for Battle ward in May because he needs a bit of a rest after getting a bit over excitable.

Reading University Students' Union has voted to ban Nestlé products from the Union shop after a unanimous vote at Student Voice. The record 0.0625% turnout voted for the confectionary to be banned after a furious debate exposed Nestlé's production process when one speaker shocked the audience by revealing that Kit Kats and Lion Bars were made with real cats.

The ban has not gone down well with all users of the Union with many staff and post-graduates unable to vote on the matter. However, Mark Lawson defended the ban on the Facebook group "Don't ban Nestle at my uni". He posted: "Everyone had a chance to debate the issue. The Student Voice meeting was clearly advertised in the Union's display department, in the cellar with the broken light switch, in a drawer clearly marked Beware of the Leopard. All students were sent the 'everybody's talking' newsletter which if they'd bothered to read the last item instead of automatically deleting them, they would have seen a clear invitation to debate it during the motion: RUSU Whale and Lesbian Society Pledge Solidarity with the Cacao Workers of Ecuador. If they couldn't be arsed to vote on such an important matter then they only have themselves to blame.

Kit Kats and Lion Bars join Smarties which have already been banned from the Union for several years because their name was deemed offensive to more educationally challenged students.

John Madejski's Impenetrable Fortress of Doom has been given the go ahead by the council's planning committee. The evil architect of Reading Football Club's demise plans to build a massive skyscraper on Station Hill so that he can survey his dominions from on high.

The planning applications committee unanimously approved the diabolical scheme despite the continuing objections to the design by the Commission for Architecture and the Built Environment, English Heritage, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Reading Borough Council is busily looking at ways to spend the section 106 cash before the planning application is called-in.

Latest school admissions figures show 38% of school children would still prefer to be educated outside the borough. Jon Hartley, Lead councillor for education, said: "There has been a big increase in the popularity of Reading secondary schools - a huge 7% up from last year, but this might be because pupils are finding it more and more difficult to get to school on time as they travel longer distances out of the borough for a better education, what with the traffic and all that."

Parents however are more realistic about the reason for the increase. One of them told us: "What's the point of being ambitious? If we apply for good schools like Maiden Erleigh, Reading residents are only going to be turned down anyway. Might as well get the kids used to a life of under-achieving right from the start."

The Reading East MP has stepped into a row between Liberal Democrats and Tories after Lib Dem Wokingham borough councillor Alan Clifford claimed that there was "a potential stitch-up" over the Sandford Farm after meetings between Green Issues Communications and Tory councillors. The Reading based consultancy are also responsible for public consulations about the redevelopment of the Battle Hospital site with new flats and houses on behalf of Barratt Homes and various other projects in and around the Reading area.

Mr. Wilson told us: "I refute the suggestion that Tory councillors are getting into bed with Green Issues. There have been no secret meetings behind the bike sheds. And if there was one it certainly didn't involve Frank Browne."

Under fire Conservatives have released more details of their back of a fag packet transport plans after coming under pressure to tell people exactly what they have been plotting for the last nine months. Shadow Environment and Transport Spokesman Cllr Richard Willis excitedly revealed: : "We will have a new in-bound bus lane on London Road to improve access to the hospital and ensure that buses were able to provide the best possible service."

A spokesman for Reading Buses told us: "I'm now very worried about the Tory plans to keep council ownership. They are proposing a nice shiny new bus lane down London Road... but we don't run any buses down London Road. It would probably been a good idea if they'd asked us first instead of making up transport policy over a few beers in The Sun Inn."

Reading's John Howarth Memorial Half-Wit Marathon nearly descended into chaos as runners attempted to navigate the roads of Reading.

The leaders made a flying start as they fled Whitley in fear of their lives before heading through the University's new Open Space Commemorative Car Park. A last minute reroute was necessary to stop the runners being blocked by hundreds of taxis queuing at the station and the Oxford Road leg of the course was closed because police were still mopping up the blood from Friday night's fight at the Royal Albion.

Runners encountered a final problem at the Rose Kiln Lane lights which stopped them for no apparent reason as they headed to the finish line.

The organiser of the marathon told us: "We might have had a few teething problems with the new route, but it was still 30 minutes quicker to run it than to drive it on a normal weekday."