Residents and tenants new to West Reading will be armed with information about the area, thanks to a welcome pack produced by Reading Borough Council. The document, entitled 'Welcome to Kabul-on-Thames' is a one-stop-shop for people who have moved into the new homes and flats on the old Battle Hospital site.

Packed with helpful hints about which pubs to avoid, advice to not wear short skirts when taking a shortcut up Western Elms Avenue, where to park to avoid taggers, dodging Pete Doherty and how to circumvent tree preservation orders, the guide will be only be available once residents have signed their lease papers and not before.

Reading Borough Council are planning to administer more fines across the town after a man paid up for performing a legal traffic manoeuvre on the A33.

The new rules will see cars travelling in a clockwise direction on the Inner Distribution Road fined for persistently ignoring the wishes of the transport planners, whilst users of the Chatham Place slip roads will be penalised for using roads which are due to be demolished.

Thames Valley Police have defended their actions in fining an innocent man: "We believe that it's a lot easier to fine law-abiding citizens for obeying the law than arresting criminal types. They're dangerous and less likely to pay up."

The Forbury Gardens will be filled with the sound of music this summer when the Forbury Band Concert Season begins. The first event of a summer long programme of concerts taking place at the popular town centre gardens will be the Reading Spring Gardens Band performing NCH Songs in the Park in support of the children's charity as part of the Reading Children's Festival.

It will also mark the first public outing of new deputy mayor Fred Pugh who will be there to ensure that the Von Trapp Family Singers return to their home after the event instead of fleeing over Caversham Heights to neutral South Oxfordshire.

Songs to be performed will include:

• D'oh, Oh Dear
• Sixteen Going on Eighty
• How Do You Solve A Problem Like Apartheid?
• Idle Whites
• My Favoured Right Wings
• The Hounds of Munich
• Climb Every Bloemfontein
• So Long, Err Well

An award winning street show, Punch and Judy, circus shows, balloon modelling and stilt walkers will transform the town centre into a children's playground next week. They have been lined up for the annual Town Centre Day on May 30th, one of the highlights of Reading's Children's Festival, when streets and stores come alive with music and mayhem.

To complement the children's event Reading Town centre will also see comparable events for adults; the "Are You Looking At Me Bird" street show, wife beating puppets sponsored by Stella, the Friar Street Freak Show, Inflate the Durex Over Your Head competition and 100 Yard Pissed High-Heel staggering. These events have been lined up for every Friday and Saturday night for the foreseeable future, when the streets and pubs come alive with loud music, stabbings, punchings and mayhem.

A Reading-based Christian charity may appeal after an employment tribunal unanimously found it had discriminated against two former employees on religious grounds. Prospects, which has its headquarters in Honey End Lane, Tilehurst, was taken to a tribunal by former employees Mark Sheridan and Louise Hender who disagreed with the charity’s Christian-only employment policy.

After the landmark ruling, Mr. B.L Zeebub from Coley is also planning to appeal after being made redundant as rector of St. Giles as a result of sacrificing virgins on Caversham Heights. A spokesman for the Church of England denied that the sacking was related to the sacrifices, but was on the ground of dishonesty after Mr. Zeebub claimed that there were virgins to be found in Coley Park.

Chief Superintendent Richard Bennett has complained about the Evening Post's reporting of travellers camping on the park in Cintra Avenue. He told us: "The police are not aware of any 'spate of thefts and damage to property' The police are also concerned that the wording that has been used seems to associate this traveller group with criminal activity. There is no evidence to support this inference and it could be seen as discriminatory against the traveller community to make such a comment when there are no crime reports documented to substaniate it. Quite clearly when our officers returned the chairs that had been removed from the back gardens of properties adjoining the park, they hadn't been stolen. And we have had no reports of criminal damage reported."

When we asked about the plant pots reported destroyed by local residents, he put his fingers in his ears and hummed "la-la-la-la, not listening".

There was uproar in the Town Hall at the Annual Meeting of the council when Labour refused to back Fred Pugh for Deputy Mayor. A split vote saw the councillor for Mapledurham Pavilion elected to the post by 21 votes to 19.

The Leader of the Council, Jo Lovelock was angered by the decision. "This is a black day for Reading, er, I mean a multi-coloured rainbow alliance of a day, but the non-colour specific bad part of it." She cited examples of 'Fred’s attitude' including backing the death penalty for taggers, his letter of support to Hitler for the 1938 Anschluß and shouting out "she's in the attic" during a performance of the Anne Frank Diaries at the Hexagon.

Fred is unrepentant about his past remarks. "It's true that I do believe in calling a spade a spade," he told us, "but I was terribly pleased when Andrew Cumpsty put my name forward although I was puzzled by the attached note saying 'I hope that will keep him out of mischief'."

With Boris Johnson promising to retire to the Chiltern Hundreds and become the only MP to retire to the place he is retiring from, Tories are queuing up in their droves to succeed him in the safe seat of Henley. However, replacing the racial epithet spouting Etonian is proving as troublesome as finding someone with a 'Watermelon Smile' in Watlington.

Early favourite was Boris Johnson's father Stanley Johnson, but local Tories have discounted him after discovering that he once worked for the European Commission.

One surprise candidate for the seat could be the unemployed former Commons researcher Chief of Staff, Rik Willis. Fresh from master-minding an election campaign which saw the local party as the only Tories in the south of England to actually lose a seat they won last time out, he is hoping that his previous support for racist regimes, murderous dictators and pure hatred for Edward Heath will win over the waivering selection committee. And just for good measure he's already announced that he's willing to move to the constituency a few weeks before the election campaign starts. Rik tells us that he will be campaigning vigorously on green issues.

The newest Tony Jones adventure begins in the barren west of Reading in 2007. Tony and his sidekick Mr. Kipling (Chris Maskell) have barely escaped a close scrape with the nefarious David Sutton, head of the Supreme Soviet, before the glorious leader mysteriously disappears in a puff of smoke just in the nick of time.

Now, Professor Jones has returned home to Battle – only to find things have gone from bad to worse. A close friend explains that Tony's recent activities have made him the object of suspicion, and that Martin Salter has put pressure on Reading Buses to fire him. On his way out of town, Tony meets rebellious young Tom, who carries both a grudge and a proposition for the adventurous archaeologist: If he'll help Tom on a mission with deeply personal stakes, Tony could very well make one of the most spectacular archaeological finds in history – the Numbskull of Labour, a legendary object of fascination, superstition and fear.

But as Tony and Tom set out for the most remote corners of Oxford Road – a land of ancient tombs, forgotten explorers and Lebanese Gold – they quickly realise they are not alone in their search. Nazi agents are also hot on the trail. Chief among them is icy cold Rikert Willis, whose elite military unit is scouring the globe for the eerie Crystal Numbskull, which they believe can help the Tories dominate the world... if they can unlock its terrible secrets. The Aryan monster is aided and abetted by Friedrich Pugh who plans to unleash his horde of Soweto warriors on the hapless adventurers.

Tony and Tom must find a way to evade the ruthless Soviets, dodge the Nazis, follow an impenetrable trail of mystery, grapple with enemies and friends of questionable motives, and, above all, stop the powerful Crystal Numbskull from falling into the deadliest of hands. Or at least they would if Tom hadn't had to make his excuses and go home for an early night and a cup of cocoa, leaving Tony to face the dangers alone.

Will our hero escape being buried alive as the Labour party desperately try to dig the dirt?

Find Out... In Council Chambers NOW!

Gareth Epps has announced a memorandum of undertaking with the ruling dictatorship on Reading Borough Council breaking the stalemate over who is to run the town for the next two years.

He told us: "I am pleased to announce, after two weeks of frantic negotiations, that I have secured a handful of magic beans in exchange for us rolling over and playing dead. Jo Lovelock tells me that if I plant them a magical kingdom will grow and everyone will live in peace and harmony... even Mr. Willis."

Political commentators have poured scorn on the promises made to the Lib Dems and say the 'magic' beans are in fact a packet of Habas Fritas purchased from The Retreat.

Since muckspReading has been accused of being a scandal mongering web site by Labour, can any one come up with a reason why Paul Gittings was doing an impression of Kermit the Frog outside the meet the management session in the Civic Offices?

Talks over who will be the new mayor of Reading have broken down after the local Conservative group put forward a controversial local figure as their preferred candidate for deputy mayor.

After the huge success of Bonkers Boris in hoodwinking the electorate, local Tories have nominated Paul Daniels as their choice for Mayor. Andrew Cumpsty told the assorted press: "You're going to like this, not a lot, but you'll like it."

Mr. Daniels is a controversial local figure whose outspoken views about sawing women in half has seen him at odds with the feminist movement. He also promised to leave Britain if Tony Blair won the 1997 election and he kept his promise by moving to Wargrave. Paul has pledged to find the £1m promised by the Tories for Mapledurham Pavilion. We asked him how he was planning to do this without making cuts to essential services and he told us: "Now that's magic."

Neighbourhood policing teams in Tilehurst have secured an extension to existing dispersal orders which have now been extended until 6am on October 2 this year.

The orders gives officers and police community support officers the following powers:

• To say: off you go you small boys.
• To wash out your mouth with coal tar soap.
• To tell people to not do that again.

The disperal orders for Tilehurst form an important part of the Reading area police strategy to tackle anti-social behaviour. A police spokesman told us: "With the renewal of the Tilehurst orders, the Oxford Road orders, the Caversham orders and the Newtown orders we're hoping that the problem of anti-social behaviour will be moved slowly eastwards into Wokingham before the police there can twig what we're up to."

After the final day of the season saw Reading relegated, the recriminations have been coming thick and fast. Labour have been quick to blame the Lib Dems. Lifelong Brentford Reading fan Martin Salter told us: "When we took over the town, Reading was a washed up third division team and we took them single handedly to the Premier League. Reading FC's success was all thanks to Labour - it must be true, John Howarth said so on all our pre-election leaflets. No one will ever forget David Sutton's superb headed goal which clinched promotion for them us. It is no co-incidence that this season saw Reading lose its talismanic leader on a free transfer, only to be replaced by an unknown Lib Dem. It was an accident waiting to happen."

Reading FC owner John Madejski has denied that his backing of another team caused problems for the football club. "It's true that I've been paying for the Tories' offices for the last few years, but I don't see why I should be blamed for Labour getting relegated to no overall control on the council. However, clearly the Conservative results were not quite good enough given David Cameron's pre-election visit to the stadium and the vast amount of resources we poured into the campaign. It is quite obvious that to bounce right back after this set back that more investment is required. How much do you want the cheque made out for Mr. Cumpsty?"

Reading's Greens have hidden their disappointment at not beating Labour in Park ward in this year's local elections.

"We'll be back," says Green Party candidate Rob White. The mathematically challenged activist told us: "We were only three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine votes away from victory. Now I don't have an arm and a leg to stand on!"

An MP has hailed victory in his campaign to ban graphic images from the Web and print media. Martin Salter MP has long campaigned for images of Labour losing to be banned from the press and his bill has just received Royal Assent.

The first reporting to come under the new law was the local election results. "I realise that some people may enjoy watching Labour squirm in the privacy of their own homes, but there is no reason why this sort of material should be forced on innocent voters," he told us. "I am also glad to see that all quotes from David Sutton calling the people of Reading 'moronic' have already been excised from the media. There is no place in the local press for reporting what really happened. War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength."

The Electoral Commission have been asked to look into Lib Dem election expenses after a series of adverts appeared in the Oracle in the run up to the local elections. The campaign "It's Not All Daisy's Fault" features a cartoon cow who endless goes on and on and on about kerbside glass recycling and replacing street lights with more energy efficient ones. Lib Dems have strenuously denied that the character bears any similarity to their press officer.

The worst kept secret in Reading politics has seen the resignation of Tony Jones from the Labour Party. He told us in an exclusive interview: "When I saw what Labour has done to ordinary working class people with the 10p tax rate, Post Office closures and the failure to honour the police pay review, I had no choice but to throw my all my toys out of the pram. Unfortunately David Sutton had beaten me to it by throwing them all out all over the floor during the last council meeting before the election, so I've had to content myself with resigning the whip instead."

David Sutton has submitted an appeal against the local election results. After losing his seat to a man whose only contribution to public life in Reading is to publish a scandal mongering website the former leader of the council bitterly told us: "There was no candidate called Andrew Warren. The returning officer incorrectly read out his name at the count and although he got more votes than I did, I believe that renders the whole election null and void. Anyway the man is a moron."

It was a spectacularly poor return on investment for the Reading Conservatives... and no wonder.

Rules of telephone canvassing:

1. Don't ring the opposition's candidate
2. If you do get his name right!

• Rik Willis wandering past Gareth Epps and whispering "Tosser" and "twat" under his breath. How's the new job Rik?
• Warren Swaine leaving his lights on and draining his battery.
• Martyn Washbourne crying after being humiliated in Park.
• 'No Running On The Greens' banner on the Park ward count side of the hall.

There is shock news for residents of Katesgrove as house prices are set to plummet. Liberal Democrat candidate Warren Swaine was seen to stop outside several derelict buildings as he walked down Southampton Street leading to an immediate fall in the value of properties in the area. House values are now 20% lower than when he stopped at Effe's kebab shop at the top of the hill.

David Sutton, Leader of the Council told us: "It's a disgrace that he continually points out the mess and squalor in this part of the town. As a Labour council we firm believe that such things should be swept under the carpet and not mentioned in polite company or to the electorate. Vote Labour or the puppy gets it."