muckspReading has been leaked an embargoed copy of the final Transport Commission report ahead of its publication on Tuesday and we can exclusively bring you some of its recommendations.

• Free jet packs for school children to cut down on the school run traffic.
• A fifth Thames Bridge: can't have enough Thames bridges.
• A 3 way IDR: clockwise, anti-clockwise and stationary.
• An east-west car tunnel under the town using the already started tunnel at Field Road.
• Introduction of Oyster type smart cards and an complete underground system to use them on.
• Replacement of all Reading buses with amphibious DUKWs to allow crossing of the Thames where ever they should damn well want to.
• Reintroduction of trams using the existing tram lines in Fobney Street.
• Rerouting of all buses to ensure that they pass at least one Tesco.
• Relocation of all town centre amenities to Pru-Town at Green Park and a corresponding a park and ride scheme to take people from the town centre car parks there.
• A Zeppelin port on the new civic offices, which will allow lighter than air (LTA) craft to use the hot air generated during council minutes as a lifting aid.

Members of the public will be able to read the full report on July 1st 2008.

After slating the Labour party for making it appear that acting RBC Chief Executive Dave Peasley had provided them with statistics for their local election campaign, local Tories have themselves come under fire after making claims that Professor Paul Bardos helped them with the Tory transport policy. Professor Bardos has responded by circulating an email refuting all such suggestions.

In response, local Tories have denied misleading the public, and said that they did have expert input into their plans, telling us: "We quite clearly waved a couple of fag packets around in the air for all to see prior to publishing our plans and no-one levelled any criticism at the time. Quite clearly the lack of stricture showed a ringing endorsement of our strategy from all the experts."

The political landscape in Reading has taken an unusual turn after a ground breaking Lab-Con pact was agreed behind closed doors before full council. In a series of votes both Labour and Conservatives backed plans for business as usual.

Announcing the agreement, the Tory group leader told us: "We disagree on so few things now-a-days with our Labour colleagues that it is important that we put up a united front against the bloody Lib Dems. Both parties agree that it is vitally important to the ruling executive that emails from Lib Dems and briefings to them are copied to lead councillors so that they can see what the bastards are getting up to. Our only real disagreement with Labour is which one of us will be the biggest party after the next election and therefore privy to the emails. So you can see that there is no way that we could agree to stricter rules now that could rise up and bite us on the bum in a few years time."

In a packed council meeting on Tuesday night, members of the press were kept busy as business dragged on into the night.

Amendment
Delete all words after "members of the press" and replace with: "nodded off"

Making his maiden speech was new Katesgrove councillor Warren Swaine who in keeping with convention was not subjected to interruption, interjection or attacked or dismissed by subsequent speakers.

Amendment
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Both Labour and Conservatives groups backed each other in their efforts to maintain the status quo.

Amendment
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During the debate Richard Stainthorp accused the Liberal Democrat group of being naive for coming up with badly worded motions.

Amendment
Delete all words after "for" and replace with: "thinking that they would get any of their policies through

The Conservative Party spent most of the night in the stranger's gallery.

Amendment
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Council business finally concluded at 2.30am when the last Lib Dem councillor left after proposing a final amendment to the motion 'Will the last person out please turn out the lights?' moved by the RBC security guards.

Fears are growing about the continuing disappearance of Anneliese Dodds. She was last seen gatecrashing an election rally attending a function at the Pakistani Community Association in the run up to the local elections. One Reading resident told us: "I'm getting very concerned. There was a time when you couldn't open up the Evening Post without finding her pictured at some Labour party event mascarading as news, now she's not even on the back of a milk carton."

Anneliese was initially thought to be helping out with Labour's campaign in the Henley by-election until people realised that there was no Labour campaign in the Henley by-election. Police are now believed to be applying for a warrant to search attics in the Mount conservation area

Local Labour activists have been so concerned about her mysterious disappearance that Martin Salter was asked to submit a question to the the Secretary of State for the Home Department on the 23rd June to ask how many reports of missing people were made to Thames Valley Police in 2007. The written answer confirmed that there had been two reports of missing persons, but that there had been a 50% reduction in the number of vulnerable young adults thought to be in the Reading area after Rob White finally stopped sulking over the result in Park and resumed his normal publicity stunts.

Reading Borough Council has promised to end the cycle of travellers moving from one site to another after revealing their secret weapon in the never ending war of attrition with caravan owners.

A council spokesman told us: "Following the previous traveller encampment at Cintra Park, we looked into ways of securing all council properties across the Borough but it was way too expensive. So instead we have purchased materials for a railing which we will install as soon as possible. It will be a small inconvenience for the residents of Cintra Avenue to have them trapped there permanently but we're sure that other parts of Reading will be more than happy about the actions we are taking here."

The Reading Evening Post Diary page brings you an exclusive report on a local goth mourning the closure of the Fosters Brewery in Reading.

If you can't see the You Tube video, you can download a Windows Media version

Waitrose has revealed themselves as the new sponsor of Reading Football club and announced plans to replace 'Kyocera' on the shirt with a new slogan 'Never Knowingly Underpaid'. The retailer hopes to offer fans Waitrose food and drink products across the stadium on match days including a load of lemons, leeks in defence and a whole squad of turkeys and chickens to choose from.

The company has however denied that their sponsorship is a response to threats by the Reading West MP Martin Salter to take his shopping elsewhere. "Where the former Brentford fan wants to do his shopping is no concern of ours," said a company spokesman.

A Reading MP stands accused of political stalking after claims that he was sticking his nose into business in a neighbouring contituency.

In January, Reading East MP Rob Wilson hosted a reception at the Palace of Westminster for the now retiring Microsoft founder Bill Gates. At the time he said: "This time Bill Gates the founder of Microsoft will be my guest. I'm naturally delighted because Microsoft is an important employer in my Reading East constituency. I wonder what the small talk will be? Certain things I think will be off limit, such as: 'Hi Bill, do you have lots of mad stalkers?'

Seasoned watchers of stalkers will know that the Microsoft Campus is over the border from Reading East in the Maidenhead constituency of Theresa May. Rob Wilson has not commented on whether he will also start wearing leopard-print high heels.

Hundreds of commuters were stranded after First Great Western Trains were hit by major signalling problems at Didcot. A Network Rail spokeswoman told us: "We apologise to passengers caught up in that but the good news is that things are back running normally now."

One commuter complained that no information was being given to commuters, trains were either cancelled or severely delayed and there was major overcrowding on the services that did run. "In fact," she told us, "it was impossible to tell it apart from a normal day's service."

Protesters have given up all hope of saving a plane tree in the Town Hall square. The newly-formed "Save the Town Hall Tree" campaign group held a protest this weekend in the square to show their anger at council plans to chop down the tree.

However a spokesman for the group told us: "We picked up 146 signatures on Saturday and we were extremely hopeful of saving the tree until we received support from Green Party Parliamentary election hopeful Rob White. His track record speaks for itself - we're screwed. There is absolutely no hope of saving it now."

After the 10p tax debacle, local MP Martin Salter has started another Labour campaign to hit the poor by backing plans to curb the sale of bargain booze and targeting pubs’ happy hours.

Mr Salter has sponsored the Alcohol Sales Bill to make sure that those struggling with stressful dead-end jobs as a result of working long hours to pay Labour's stealth taxes are not able to take advantage of cheap beer offers.

In a separate move Mr. Salter has also backed attempts to increase the age at which drinks can be sold meaning that selling malt whiskey less than 21 years old will soon become a criminal offence

Fast Show character Ron Manager	Evening Post Diary Editor Paul Robins

Has anyone ever seen these two in the same room?

A much-anticipated army parade through Reading honouring its Territorial Army troops has been cancelled.

The march was due to take place on Sunday, June 22, as part of the 100th anniversary celebrations of the TA and was also to be a celebration of the return of Reading’s 7 Rifles from a six-month tour of Afghanistan.

However, due to circumstances beyond the local commander's control, the soldiers will not be able to parade through Reading. The Army instead will be continuing operations in Afghanistan and Iraq in an attempt to save the skin of Gordon Brown and ensure that there is sufficient continuing threat to the UK from angry Islamists to make 42 days detention without trial and the suspension of centuries old rights of the British people look like it was necessary.

Local gangs have eschewed knives and are taking up carrying pies after a landmark case saw a man aquitted for shoving a meat pie into his friend's face. Robert Kite was on a night out with a couple of tarts when Craig Davis was said to have attacked him with a hot sausage roll. Mr. Davis was cleared after claiming that Mr. Kite's version of events was a load of pork pies.

A Thames Valley Police spokesperson told us: "Pie crime is a massive problem in this town. Kids always want to look harder than their mates and often after being ridiculed for carrying puff pastry pies they will move onto carrying a sawn-off shortcrust or more worryingly concealed meat hidden in their choux."

People worried by pie crime are being urged by former Mayor Chris Maskell to hand in their weapons as part of his Borough wide Pie Amnesty. Simply take your pies along to the Civic Offices in leave them in the box marked: FAO: Chris Maskell where they will be safely disposed off.

Local MP Martin Salter has attacked critics of the Government's plans to extend the period of detention without trial to 42 days.

He told us: "If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear, so by definition anyone against this measure has something to fear and should be locked up. We've seen what happens so many times when you ask for evidence before incarcerating people, they take liberties and fish from the Thames under cover of claiming that it is completely legal. Well that has to stop.

"Now that I have made it a criminal offence for people to be arrested for videoing scenes that are totally legal, I think it's totally logical to support locking up people because they've got shifty eyes with no evidence. Just think how easy it would be to deal with the scourge of travellers with these powers. Think about it people... or you'll be next on my list."

Local Labour Party member Richard McKenzie has been selected by the Henley Labour Party to lose his deposit fight the seat at the coming Henley by-election. The contest looks to be increasingly acrimonious as local Tories grow increasingly annoyed that the Liberal Democrats are taking the contest in the traditionally safe seat seriously.

The local Tory Party chairman told us: "How dare they ruin our Summer? Right now we should be putting up marquees, ordering the strawberries and drinking Pimms in preparation for the regatta not scurrying around Oxfordshire like a pack of our demented fox hounds."

The Conservative Party are hoping that Lib Dem plans to increase road tax on 4x4s by one hundred million percent will be a vote winner in the largely rural constituency. They also promise to entice another 100,000 women back into the work place by reclassifying nanny duties as secretarial work.

Reading Buses will be showing off their new hi-tech premier route buses which have been specially adapted for working in Reading.

The buses have been fitted with a moveable bulldozer blade to run Peeps Kebab Van out of the University layby and to clear a way through the taxis blocking the entrance to the stops at Reading Station, as well as the whole ground floor given over to accomodating pushchairs for the numbers 4,5 and 6 routes.

The bus is scheduled to visit Tilehurst Triangle at 9.30am, Rivermead Car Park from 11am, Palmer Park Stadium Car Park from 1pm and South Reading Community Centre, Northumberland Avenue from 2.30pm. Seasoned bus passenger may want to save a long wait by turning up half an hour later when two buses will arrive at the same time.

After a former council worker was cleared by Reading Crown Court of a drunken grope after receiving support from Reading West MP Martin Salter, it has emerged that a councillor accused of inappropriate behaviour in the Reading West constituency office also walked free from the Labour Party after an intervention by Mr. Salter.

Mr. Janjua had been accused by former leader of the council David Sutton of impropriety during a stormy council meeting in March, after which Mr. Sutton lost his job and Mr. Janjua was elected as Tory councillor for Church ward.

MuckspReading managed to get hold of a copy of the statement sent to the police by Mr. Salter which helped clear Mr. Janjua. It was a blank piece of A4.

Sackville Properties plans to build an impenetrable fortress of doom on Station Hill have received a setback after Hazel Blears called in the development.

A disappointed John Madejski told us: "Look, when I said that Station Hill was going to be a major gateway development for Reading and a contributer to cementing the status of Reading as the de facto capital of the Thames Valley, I in no way inferred that the project had any regional significance whatsoever. It's just a couple of insignificant buildings tucked away where they'll do no harm. To call in a development because it doesn't comply with the Reading Local Plan and exceeds the authority of the local planners just because that is the law is an outrage. Anyone one want to buy a football club?"

Reading West MP Martin Salter and Children's charity ABC to Read has been plunged into a row with Tesco after he was caught shopping in Waitrose by an eagle eyed spotter.

Tesco stumped up a massive £1,000 out of its £43bn turnover for ABC to Read to mark the opening of its new store on the former Battle Hospital site in West Reading. The charity is now worried that Tesco might ask for their money back as Mr. Salter, who is a patron, had previously told reporters: "I am so happy they have won, they are my favourite charity and a charity I feel particularly close to as I helped to set it up. In fact I am so pleased, I am considering moving my own trade from Waitrose to Tesco just on the back of this wise decision."

Mr Salter has denied misleading the global behemoth. "They knew my quote was just attention seeking by me to get a line in the local paper. No one really believes the crap I say in interviews, do they?"

One of South Reading's few remaining uncontacted indigenous tribes has been spotted and photographed on the border between Whitley Wood and Earley. The Council says it is showing the images to prove the tribe exists.

The pictures, taken from a police helicopter, show red-painted tribe members wearing hoodies and shell suits brandishing ball bearing guns and pushing pushchairs. A council spokeman told us: "It's important that development of Junction 11 doesn't encroach on this tribal area or they might be tempted to move into other areas in Reading."

The tribe nicknamed 'Woodies' by anthropologists can be distinguished from other tribes in the area by their collections of Ford Escorts on bricks in their front gardens, permanently fitted outdoor Christmas decorations and ostentacious displays of England flags on their hut windows.