muckspReading

If you keep throwing punches, you're bound to hit something

"A tragic individual who should get out more." Martin Salter, Fishing Consultant

"A man who's (sic) only contribution to public life in Reading is to publish a scandal mongering website." David Sutton, Local Librarian

"A self-righteous little prick" An RBC Employee

A State of Independence

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Former Mayor Chris Maskell

Rumours continue to sweep around Reading about a change to the political make up of the council after enigmatic messages started appearing on Councillor Chris Maskell's web site.

Lib Dems are worried that if Labour members continue to wake up and smell the Workhouse Coffee Company coffee at the current rate that they will soon be the fourth largest group on the council. Labour are terrified that the construction of the David Sutton Memorial White Elephant in Hosier Street will be put on hold, whilst the Conservative Party are bricking themsleves at the thought that they might end up in power before collecting enough fag packets to write all their policies down on.

However, Mick Spreader managed to doorstep the illusive councillor and he told us that he couldn't see what all the fuss was about. We asked him about the mysterious time posted on his website, 2nd August 4.00pm, and he told us: It's just a warning to my constituents to tell them that it is in fact the start of the first period in history when Allied Carpets are not having a sale. Get there early.

The Colour Purple

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Preparing for a Tricky Planning Session

Tory councillor Isobel Ballsdon has denied accusations that she was guilty of prejudging a planning application in support of Conservative opposition to the new civic centre building when she abstained during a planning committee vote.

Explaining her vote she said: "It's outrageous to suggest that I sat on my hands for pre-determined political reasons. I saw the plans for the first time the same as everyone else, looked at the cerise and aquamarine decor and thought to myself, how gauche. I just couldn't have that fashion faux-pas on my conscience, so I abstained. Now a nice tasteful leopard print would have been another matter."

We're on the Eve of Construction

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The Reading Council Conservative group has strongly denied that they are going back on their word by condeming council staff to work in a crumbling asbestos filled building for longer and have outlined their alternative plans for the new civic centre.

The Tory group leader told us: "We're not bound by anything Fred Pugh signed up to." Andrew Cumpsty backed him up by adding: "Why did you think we were so keen to shuffle him off to deputy mayor where he can cause the least amount of damage?"

Stung by criticism of yet another example of the Conservatives knowing what they are against, but actually having no plans of their own the magical Tory fag packet was brought out again to unveil their plans. "We've been immensley impressed by the way that travellers can set up almost overnight anywhere in the borough for very little cost. We've had a competitive quote for the whole civic redevelopment of £500 cash in hand and they've also offered to fix some of the loose slates on my roof at the same time."

However, the Tories agressive position on the new civic could be short lived as no-one has worked out which way David Stevens is planning to vote yet.

Labour Rent Boys

Gordon Brown stealing through lette box

People are warned to be on the look out as a professional gang are using letter boxes to steal from residents. In most cases they are making away with over £600 from the poorest households.

Police have told householders to be vigilant. "We believe that a shadowy underworld figure called Gordon Brown is responsible for the majority of these thefts.

"However, it is quite easy to spot these people at work. Simply look for an envelope bearing the logo of Reading Borough Council and the words 'Rent Payment Due'. If you pay up your cash will be taken without your knowledge from the Council's Housing Revenue Account and used to prop up this gangster in the style to which he has become accustomed."

World of Muppets, Arses and Drunks

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With Womad once again upon us, Reading residents are being warned to keep their doors and windows shut as MPs and Councillors roam the streets of Reading suffering withdrawal symptoms from the lack of freebies.

A concerned resident told us: "It's so sad to see them aimlessly shuffling around Rivermead on Womad festival weekend. Labour Party activists wondering where to put their stalls, Anneliese Dodds desperately trying to find an ethnic minority event to be photographed at, Tories with boxes of unsold 'Hang Nelson Mandela' tee-shirts and Liberal Democrats wandering around pretending to like Toumani Diabaté and Seun Kuti & Egypt 80. The council should do something about it and start up a rival festival so that they can once more be doled out 20 free VIP tickets each and shout 'don't you know who I am?' at frazzled staff."

Fugitive Captured

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As Leader When Found

Officals have taken into custody the most wanted man in Reading after a tip-off led them to his secret Dorset hideaway. Captured war crimes suspect David Sutton spent years living in Reading and stacking bookshelves, according to Council officials. During a decade on the run as leader of the council, he had cultivated a long white beard and called himself Mr Katesgrove. He even gave public lectures and was a regular library magazine contributor.

Masquerading as an expert in buses, the fugitive was so confident in his disguise he even had his own website, and would give out business cards bearing the name D D David.

In Caversham, which endured a 96-month siege by Labour Party forces, cars streamed through the streets honking their horns, crowds cheered and some people took to the streets waving Oxfordshire flags.

Life's a Gas

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Warning: Chemical X

Reading Buses has been accused of releasing a dangerous gas into the local environment by leading chemist Professor Val N. C. Bond. After catching the number 17 bus she said that she was shocked to see the company proudly proclaiming that they were releasing oxygen monocarbide with an oxidation state of +2 into the atmosphere.

"Don't they know what damage CO2 can do to the environment?" she told us. "Why, if those spare oxidation state molecules ever attempted to bond with CH4 mixed with hydrogen in a plasma state we'd have the ideal mix for forming diamonds by chemical vapour deposition and that would not be good for the people of Reading.

Reading Buses have declined to comment on the Professor's findings, but did release a statement. "It was a typo. It should have said CO2. Are you happy now?"

Agent Orange

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Anneliese Dodds has responded to widespread accusations of "Who?" by trying to raise her profile in the borough. To counteract the zero publicity generated by her broken personal web site www.anneliesedodds.org, the anti-student fees and anti-Trident Labour supporter has employed a crack team of fashionistas in an attempt to boost her fading image. The first outing for her new makeover was at the Nelson Mandela Birthday Picnic in the Forbury Gardens sporting a new L'Oreal hair colour: 'Belisha Orange', because she's worth it.

Martin Salter was quick to defend his protégé. "This just shows what a caring person Anneliese is. When she's not manning stalls at council funded events for the Labour Party, she'll be helping children cross the road safely," he said before adding: "Now Annelise, go and stand at the back. We're about to take the publicity photos."

A Site for Sore Eyes

There have been an increasing number of complaints about this site from people who don't have the bollocks to email me direct with their concerns. On several occasions I have amended stories when I have overstepped the mark, but Mick Spreader really doesn't have the time to deal with twats who have no understanding of humour, the laws on qualified privilege and the separation of council duties from a private life and resort to anonymous political threats.

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