Britain's Hardest Spider found in Whitley

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One angry festival goer has demanded that Reading Festival organisers take immediate action over his serious health and safety concerns or he will ask the council to take further action. The health and safety consultant from Scumhampton told us that he was shocked at things he saw happening at the long running festival.

He complained: "I was truly shocked to see so many breaches. Metallica were on stage without earplugs or ear protectors. If action isn't taken then they could end up with long term upper frequency hearing loss. Several bands employed violin players who did not have fluorescent warning stickers placed at the end of their bows. They could have somebody's eye out on a crowded stage - it's an accident waiting to happen. I also saw people in the audience drinking beer and it is well known that a combination of music in the modern idiom and drink causes people to jump up and down in time with the rhythm and I wouldn't be surprised if someone didn't have their toes trodden on. It was quite sunny on Saturday and it's only by luck and the number of clouds overhead people didn't suffer from extreme sunburn. Ant that's just the tip of the iceberg."

He is urging organisers Festival Republic to make future events seated only, issue mandatory ear protectors and to employ more Health and Safety consultants.

Local MPs and politicians are falling over themselves to claim a tenuous link to Britain's Olympic success. After his attempts to woo Maidenhead constituency firm Microsoft, Rob Wilson has made a desperate attempt to bask in the glory of the Olympic Rowers who train over the border in the Henley constituency.

In a press release he said: "I think that the least we can do is hold a civic reception to thank athletes who live vaguely near Reading for their efforts and give them recognition for all the hard work and preparation they have put in over the past few years in preparation for the Games in Beijing. It is only right that the town should honour the men and women who may have alighted at Reading Station on their way to the Redgrave-Pinsent rowing lake in South Oxfordshire, or perhaps have got lost and had to double back to Sonning bridge at the Shepherd's Hill roundabout. And what better way to celebrate this tenuous link with Beijing success than to have a civic reception so that I can have my photograph taken with the medalists. It will be a great honour for them."

The annual anti-fraud initiative has started again with a council tax audit form being sent to households across Reading. Reading Borough Council is reminding all householders that they must make sure that their forms are filled in and returned as soon as possible so that they can be referred to a credit checking agency who will cross reference their data with other databases to see if you are trying to avoid paying council tax.

The council tax audit forms are in large (A5) envelopes and marked Electoral Registration 2009/2009 on the back.

A correctly filled in form will also allow you to vote.... and if you are a landlord perhaps many times!

On the face of it it was a pretty woeful turn out from councillors blagging freebies at this year's Reading Festival.

Warren Swaine took Martin Salter's advice to get out more and ended up accused of being Alan Titchmarsh in the Alternative Stage by Bulla the Most Dangerous Man in the World. Glenn "No Twigs" Goodall blew it in the accessories stakes failing to de-forest Reading on the way to see British Sea Power, whilst ace blagger Gareth Epps managed to get in after losing his ticket. However, there are suspicions that Peter Jones may have been the man responsible for throwing a pint of unusually warm "lager" over the Lib Dem gathering during Bloc Party.

If anyone knows of someone who should be added to this years lig list drop us a line.

Updates

• Dave Luckett appears to have given his spare to Paul " Very much a Conservative of 2007" Swaddle

August Bank Holiday is once again here when excessive drinking, theft, violence and drug taking hits Reading for an annual orgy of music and mayhem.

But enough about Pete Doherty and Babyshambles, everyone else is planning to have a great time at the festival.

No drink zones are soon to be rolled out across Reading in a move that will see drinkers heavily penalised if they want to drink outside their homes. The local Labour Party has been petitioning for the last two years to restrict alcohol consumption in the town and has welcomed Government plans to tackle the issue.

Mike Orton, the lead councillor for health, told us: "It's been quite difficult to find enough fact based evidence to bring in a town wide ban, but we are pleased as punch that Alistair Darling has neatly side stepped the real concerns of providing enough police resources to keep on top of anti-social behaviour and has instead acted to ensure that record numbers of pubs and clubs in Reading are forced to close by taxing the poor and putting up the price of booze."

You are an Evening Post sub-editor and you're covering the Pakistani Independence Day celebration at Rivermead. In attendance are the Pakistani High Commissioner, The Mayor of Reading Peter Beard, Rob Wilson MP, Martin Salter MP and councillors from all parties. Your chums in the Labour Party aren't doing to well at the moment, so it is your job to ignore all of them and place Anneliese Dodds in the pictorial record of the day.

So let's all play... ???WHERE'S DODDY???

From Sub-Ed: p.s. Mr. Salter, I hope the cheque's in the post.

Festival goers will this year be able to cross the Thames thanks to a bridge built from the staging used in Madonna's last world tour. Although made of scaffolding, riggers told us that they believed that they could keep it together for the whole Bank Holiday weekend.

Stretching from Little John's Farm via La Isla Bonita over the borderline to true blue Mapledurham, organisers are hoping that people will be able to cross over and over thoughout the event and avoid last year's drowned world caused by the heavy rain.

One fan told us: "It's like a prayer has been answered. I didn't fancy ending up in the river having to swim whilst waiting for people to rescue me."

More Maskell Holiday Snaps

Reading’s former mayor Chris Maskell says he is staying loyal to Labour after threatening to resign the party whip on the council. Colleagues rallied round with baseball bats to urge him to change his mind and it seems Reading West MP Martin Salter, a close friend of Cllr Maskell, was instrumental in persuading him to stick it out with Labour.

Councillor Maskell made his announcement after a ten day holiday in Gosport. He however denied that any injuries he is sporting had anything to do with the Reading West MP. He told our reporter: "I fell over at the Stokes Bay Festival in the Leveller's mosh pit. And when Chumbawamba came on I got up again. Was that okay Mr. Salter? Please don't hit me again. I'll be a good boy now."

Council bosses have hit on a new way of saving money after it was revealed that rent money is being sent direct to the treasury from the Housing Revenue Account instead of it being used to repair council properties.

"We've identified several cost savings that can be made and have started with removing the tumble dryers in council flats in Tilehurst," said a council spokesman. "We wrote to tenants telling them of our plans and got no response so we assumed that they do not use them. On a similar basis, because of the number of take-aways in Whitley Street, we assume that Elizabeth Walk flats will not need their cookers any more and as for the Hexham, the amount of money we can save by removing the unused washing machines will be in the hundreds. It's all money desperately needed by Gordon Brown, so anything we can do to help."

Tesco's plans to open yet another store in Reading may have dismayed local shopkeepers, but the move has been broadly welcomed by local youngsters.

We asked one of the 16 year olds hanging out on the corner of Crown Street what he thought of the new Tesco Express planned for the current Fun and Frolics shop and he told us: "It's good man. There's nowhere for us to hang out around here, so it's chillin' that we're to get our own Tesco Express. Now we can hang out with our mates and get our beer and fags without having to go all the way across town to the Tesco in Caversham."

Mystery surrounds the disappearance of local councillor Chris Maskell. There is no answer at his Beecham Road house and his personal web site has been removed from the internet by person or persons unknown. Suspicion has fallen on Martin Salter who is believed to be the last person to have seen Mr. Maskell in Reading. The local MP has told the press two conflicting stories about his disappearance; one that the former Mayor had gone on holiday and then 48 hours later that he had left town and gone to stay with relatives and wasn't coming back.

Police are concentrating their searches at the Bath Road reservoir and Kennet Meadows, both places that Mr. Salter has been know to frequent, most recently seen carrying a shovel which he told the local PCSOs was for 'digging up bait'. They are hoping that the numerous cameras which normally accompany Mr. Salter's visits to these locations may shed more light on the mystery.

However, friends still hold out hope the Mr. Maskell is okay after calling his wife who told them. "Christopher is not the new political Messiah. He has been a very naughty boy and no, he isn't allowed out to play."

Munitions experts have told a court that machinery and tools found south of Reading were used to manufacture illegal weapons. Forensic teams investigating the factory confirmed the presence of live weapons, with the potential to kill many people. Giving evidence yesterday Mr Nicklin explained how a number of lathes, metal cutters and drilling machines were found at the address. In a statement forensic scientist and firearms specialist Michael Vaughan added: "I have no doubt these premises have been used for the construction of weapons."

Trident Ploughshares discovered the secret work at the Atomic Weapons Establishment at Burgfield during a protest that saw two of their number arrested and pledged to continue their protests. Labour Prospective Parliamentary candidate for Reading East Anneliese Dodds was disappointed that she was not one of the lucky few arrested: "I really fancied going myself, but I had other commitments that weekend, like campaigning for a party that voted for the building of a Trident replacement."

Celebrity chef Antony Worral-Thompson has apologised to the readers of Healthy and Organic Living after publishing a recipe containing hensbane. The local gastronaught from Shiplake, who also publishes recipes in the Evening Post, claims that he had mistakenly listed the ingredient in his ideas for the Reading Labour Party annual fundraising dinner menu. He did of course mean to add wolfsbane.

Readers of the Post food supplement can instead tuck into this month's mouth watering recipes from the TV chef, Sautéed Death Cap Mushrooms in a Nightshade coulé, Carrot and Oleander soup and Special Fried Ricin washed down with a Dandelion and Hemlock cordial.

Plans for a third Thames bridge have been submitted by Wokingham to the South East England Regional Assembly (SEERA). Councillor Keith Baker, executive member for highways on Wokingham Borough Council, revealed the bid was inspired by Reading’s recently published Independent Transport Commission report. The report had been extensively rubbished by Reading Tories as being an undergraduate essay. However, it would appear that an undergraduate essay is exactly the level required by their Wokingham colleagues before they understood the issues after years of refusing to budge on the matter.

Current favourites for the construction contract are the Festival Republic who are already planning to build a bridge over the Thames for Reading Festival-goers. By reusing the Festival Republic's bridge, planners hope to cut costs and avoid having to get permission from South Oxfordshire.

A Redlands councillor faces the prospect of deselection by her party before the 2010 elections. Daisy Benson, a popular ward representative who last year topped the list for the amount of constituency casework submitted to the council, looks to have an uphill battle to hang on to her seat after holding a small party at The Retreat public house on Monday.

Kirsten Bayes, the Lib Dem group whip told us: "We were very surprised to see her out on a school night as Radiohead weren't playing, but apparently it was her birthday. However, we will have to consider the ramefications of her celebrations before the next election. You don't last long in the Lib Dems once you've passed 30."

Speculation mounts over the bribes currently being offered by Martin Salter in his attempts to stop Chris Maskell from joining Tony Jones in the People's Republic of Battle. After the Labour Party offered £200m and restrictions to abortions in Northern Ireland to induce homophobic bigots to support 42 days detention without trial and the removal of centuries old British rights, anything appears to be on offer to prevent meltdown as the electorate desert the party in droves.

Mr Salter is rumoured to have suggested that a late night visit by Saeed Iqbal might help the former mayor to come to a decision but we can reveal that, in association with the Battle Tesco Extra, he has been offered as many sticky buns as he can eat. Mr. Maskell has gone on holiday to chew things over.

Apologies for the earlier (now corrected) typo! And futher apologies to those who thought we had an exclusive scoop!

It has been suggested by others that the local Reading Labour Party's troubles could be turned into a West End musical. The usual Abba and Queen songs are the most popular suggestions, but muckspReading suggests that the work of the nation's premier doom and gloom merchants The Cure would be a more fitting soundtrack to their woes.

muckspReading Presents:

Reading Labour Party: BLOODFLOWERS - The Musical

John Howarth, David Sutton and Martin Salter (Three Imaginary Boys) are down on their luck when they decide that they would like to be in power. They look on enviously at the Tories (Why Can't I Be You?) and hatch a plan to steal their policies. (Jumping Someone Else's Train) The boys are unstoppable (Hot Hot Hot!) and Martin Salter celebrates Labour's success. (High)

But things are not all right in the local Labour Party (Close to Me) and efforts by Martin to rule on his own (The Only One) lead to accusations that a neighbouring MP is a few sarnies short of a picnic. (Splintered in Her Head)

A disastrous war is started in Iraq (Killing an Arab) killing many innocent children (The Baby Screams) which Martin Salter says he voted against. (This is a Lie). As a direct consequence homegrown terrorists attack Britain (The Exploding Boy)

However, the Labour juggernaut finally comes off the rails (Grinding Halt) when they come up with the innovative plan to tax the poor and give to the rich. (Out of This World) Tony Jones has had enough of the party and leaves (The Walk).

At the 2008 local elections, the inevitable happens. (Watching Me Fall) David Sutton loses his seat (Boys Don't Cry) as Reading goes to No Overall Control. (In Between Days) Yet Labour believes that it can still hang on to power (To Wish Impossible Things). But it is all in vain as the activists disappear. (Lament)

In an effort to get re-elected Martin Salter increases his media coverage. (Pictures of You) but it still leaves him contemplating his fate at the 2010 general election. (The Drowning Man) The Labour party renames itself (The Funeral Party) and contemplates being cast to the wilderness by the voters (One Hundred Years).

Cast exunt stage right (Disintegration) - no encores

The skies over Woodley have been filled with UFOs in recent week causing panic in the area. One witness told us: "These mysterious silver and gold objects appear in the sky the the same time every night. It is like there is an intelligence guiding them."

Experts from the Anomalous Phenomena Research Agency (APRA) website have told us: "It is hard to explain exactly where they are coming from, but the most likely explanation is that the Showcase Cinema may be doing a little sneaky publicity for the new X Files movie: 'I Want To Believe' and chucking ash trays into the air after pub closing time in the hope that some drunk will call the Evening Post and they're desperate for a story."

Sales of a new anti-alien abduction spray have shot up in the last few weeks. Waitrose has denied profiteering on the scare, but did add: "Have you got a better suggestion about how to get local residents to wear deoderant?"