Reading Borough Council has proudly issued a press release for receiving a whole one star rating from the Commission for Social Care Inspection after a review of its provision for elderly and disabled adults.

Mike Orton, Lead Councillor for Community Care, said: "I'm am extremely pleased to see that for the fifth year running our services have been given the thumbs up by the commission by the awarding of one-star. Only 19 councils out of 150 get a one star award and I think these consistent results are a fitting tribute to the way I lead the department."

A member of the commission told us: "You shouldn't read too much into our future predictions. We had to mark Reading's capacity to improve as 'promising'. You can't get any lower than their current rating without a town being a complete basket case."

Reading Borough Council has issued a press release in response to news that Ashford in Kent has started operating what they claim is the first major 'shared space' project in the UK. Drivers no longer have the right of way on the Ashford ring road. Instead cars, bikes and pedestrians have equal priority. Kerbs, crossings and four sets of traffic lights have been removed from a mile-long section of the road bordering the town centre. Pedestrians and cyclists must use eye contact to work out when to cross the street or give way to oncoming traffic.

An RBC spokesman told us: "We've been operating such a 'shared space' project for years in Broad Street! Cyclists and pedestrians have been 'allowed' to co-exist without fear of being stopped by the police... but we hadn't thought of extending it to cars as well. What a great idea!"

It seems an unwillingness to admit the fact that Labour no longer runs the council runs far deeper than a piss-poor leaflet from Anneliese Dodds.

Callers to the number published in the council's Residents' Guide to Local Councillors & Services for Lib Dem Katesgrove councillor Warren Swaine will find themselves connected instead to local librarian David Sutton.

It's been 6 months. RBC staff should really get over it!!!

The Christmas lights in Reading were turned on by local boy Nasty Nick Cotton after the mysterious disappearance of the Mayor just before the lights were due to be switched on. Nick also made a charity collection to pay for treatment for his for his sick mum before hurridly telling crowds that he had to go to see a man about a dog after one member of the crowd suggested that he looked a bit like the person responsible for killing Reg Cox in 1985.

Police say that they have no idea who may have committed the offence and are keeping an open mind, although eye witnesses told us that the man in the crowd had clearly shouted out: "He's behind you."

Rob Wilson has expressed concern at his party's line on getting tough on immigrants after junk mail delivery workers failed to make it to Tier Two of the points-based immigration system.

He wailed: "How the hell will I be able to get out my piss-poor tax payer funded 'Parliamentary Report' if there aren't enough Iraqi refugees to pound the streets of Reading delivering it?"

Long serving former Lib Dem councillor Bob Green was honoured by Reading after being made a Freeman of the Borough at a ceremony in the council chamber. The political groupings took it in turns to praise the former Lib Dem group leader and tell the same joke about Lib Dem amendments to motions. However, proceedings were livened up when, standing in for Tory leader Andrew Cumpsty, Tom Steele read out a poem to the council:

Roses are red, violets are blue
And apart from Bob Green, Lib Dems are poo.

Bob will now have the right to drive sheep over Caversham Bridge, but he told us: "I won't be exercising that right. I think the Tory Councillors should make their own way to council meetings."

Martin Salter has pledged to fight tooth and nail against the building of a third runway at Heathrow for as long as public support of the Government's position looks to be harming his chances of re-election.

Mr. Salter told reporters: "I keep telling people that the Government has made no decision on a third runway, just like we have made no decision on putting everyone in the UK on a giant database [wink]. The bulldozers parked up in Longford village with their engines running is a pure coincidence. But I can tell you that for as long as I believe that I'm going to get a good kicking over my blind support for the Government I will campaign long and hard against the expansion in public, then walk through the lobby in support just like I did with the Post Office closures. I'm sure that nearer the day I will be given private unspecified 'assurances' that will allow me to support the expansion without any accusations of being two-faced."

In a new leaflet delivered to a local housing estate Anneliese Dodds has asked Reading residents to contact her if they are feeling the pain of the credit crunch, because she isn't and would really like to hear your stories to put on her next leaflet.

The expert in comparative public and social policy and regulation knows more than most where Gordon Brown has been hiding the bodies and would like you to contact her so that she can pretend that Labour's hands off approach to financial regulation and promotion of tax avoidance schemes to the rich is not to blame for the greedy bankers who have fleeced people out of their money and jobs.

According to her leaflet, Anneliese has been instrumental in using your council tax money to pay for a credit crunch summit hosted by Reading Borough Council, an organisation whose response to the crisis is to rub their hands in glee because it means that their agressive council tax summons policy will generate more than £200,000 for the general income pot from the very people who can least afford to pay it.

If you would like detailed financial advice, please call Anneliese because she knows personally the bunch of crooks and charlatans who got us into this mess in the first place.

The value of Anneliese may go down as well as down. Anneliese Dodds' Financial Advice Line is not regulated by the FSA, because let's face it, no-one is.

Reading University Globe (Going Local On a Better Environment) are holding a Blooming Students competition this academic year in an effort to improve the area around the university. GLOBE President Holly Hocks told us: "Students get a bad press in Reading so we thought it would be a good idea to give peas a chance and reduce global worming all at the same time.

Judges will be looking for entries grown from bulbs, the best flower beds or mattresses in their front gardens and drains with leeks in them. The best student vegetable garden will be immortalised in a special edition hardback: It'll be a Turnip for the Books.

Tesco have reacted furiously after their plans for the installation of a cash point at the corner of the busy Crown Street and London Street junction was deferred to the December meeting of the Borough Council's planning committee.

In retaliation the committee appear to have been targeted by germ warfare after a bout of Montezuma's revenge reeked havoc on councillors. Tesco has denied providing the free buffet. Their spokesman, Sam O'Nella told us: "Councillors with dodgy stomachs? I thought there weren't any Trots in the Labour Party anymore.

A 43 year old Tilehurst man has been arrested and charged with terrorism offences. Neil Lewington is accused of being in possession of a number of articles connected with the commission, preparation or instigation of an act of terrorism, contrary to the Terrorism Act 2000 and 2006. These include two improvised explosive devices, seven timers, four containers of Sodium Chlorate weed killer, three tennis balls and Firelighters.

He is also suspected of having a book entitled Counter Bomb, and a UK members handbook for the Waffen SS, the combat arm of Hitler's paramilitary forces.

Local MP Martin Salter told the press: "This is a great example of where 42 days detention without trial would help the police in their efforts. He should be locked up in Belmarsh to keep him off the streets whilst he is investigated. Oh, bollocks, you say he isn't an Asian?"

The white non-muslim Englishman from Reading has been released on police bail whilst investigations continue.

News of Barack Obama's victory in the US Presidential election has lead to tributes being paid by townsfolk desperate to jump on a moving bandwagon. In his July tour of Europe Barack Obama came to within 2 miles of the town as he flew over Reading whilst returning to the States via Heathrow. Such close links with the town presented our features editor Anna Dinn with a headache as she spent the early hours of the morning scrambling around to fill as many column inches with tenuously linked stories as possible.

Local Lib Dems welcomed Obama's victory and pledged to carry on supporting his campaign for 2012 by telling their former Kentwood candidate to 'not come back' from his stint manning the phone banks.

The Conservatives, for their part, sent over the former leader of Wokingham council who offered his services if ever the President-Elect had a controversial planning application on green belt land that he'd like help promote against the wishes of the local population.

The local Labour Party were a little more cautious in their praise with Martin Salter telling our reporter: "This is a bad day for democracy. John McCain was quite right to denounce this left wing redistributor of wealth, I thought socialism was a discredited policy that had been stamped out across the world. It certainly has been in the Labour Party."

Reading has won a prestigious industry award for transport innovation, thanks to its cutting-edge transport communication system. Reading's entry was centred around the Council's SEEDA-sponsored £1.8million trial which uses emerging WiMAX wireless communications technology, in combination with Wi-Fi and the latest mobile phone 3G communications services.

Lead councillor for transport Tony Page, told the press: "This cutting edge system will be a welcome new revenue stream, er, boon to the traveller. Before this system people would be stuck waiting for a bus or in traffic with all the uncertainty of no end in sight. Now they'll be able at the touch of a button to know for certain that there is no end in sight and that they should consider getting out and walking. Who said that you couldn't make money out of people's misery?"

The two users of the system were very impressed.

Fresh from making up community newsletters, Rob Wilson MP does his best to pay back the company that gave him 12 free tickets for this year's Community Shield at Wembley by doing a few hours inpersonating the Hamburglar and at the same time helps preserve Reading's obesity league table rating by serving local salad dodgers.

We have a copy of his job application form.