After successfully screwing up the Rose Kiln Lane roundabout, Reading Borough Council are looking for Government funding to help in its bid to bring the A33 relief road to a complete standstill.

Tony Page, Lead Councillor for Transport and Planning at Reading Borough Council, said: "We've learned absolutely nothing from the one way IDR fiasco and in a desperate pursuit of government cash, we plan to bring in road pricing in 10 metre stretches. I'm sure that 10 pence to move between one set of lights and another will not be seen as extortionate."

The section between the B&Q Roundabout and the Rose Liln Lane junction is now scheduled to have 50 sets of lights build on it over the next three years, bringing in £5.00 per journey into Reading.

Two local Lib Dems have been branded a disgrace and asked to resign after laughing at a well loved grandfather. The duo were accused of a vicious attack on a defenceless old man and of ridiculing him public. Friends and family have asked for them to be disciplined and thrown out of the council chamber.

One senior Labour Party figure told us: "He was just a harmless old man, who never did anyone wrong and he was responsible for bringing a lot of laughter and joy into our lives with his bumbling antics and his funny voice. To laugh at him like that after all those years of bringing a smile to people's faces is a disgrace."

Councillors Warren Swaine and Daisy Benson were however unrepentant: "Look, we went to the Hexagon to see Russell Brand and he did a bit in his show about Andrew Sachs. It was funny, we laughed, we make no apology for that. Some people really have no sense of humour."

The Local Labour Party Are Fully Behind Peter Ruhemann

"I do so under the pressure of a voting majority and nothing else. You bastards arrrggghhhh!"

Labour parliamentary candidate Anneliese Dodds has demanded a complete ban on drinking in Reading. From her pulpit she told incredulous townsfolk: "For too long you wretched sinners of Reading have worshipped the devil in a glass and gone home slightly merry you miserable scum. Just one drink can lead to licentious and venal behaviour and you should trust in our Lord, Gordon Brown to save you from yourself, you corrupt pustules of humanity. For verily in my home of Oxford, er, somewhere near to Reading that I may visit occasionally, the unclean have been cast out from the beer garden. And verily, unless the townsfolk of Reading repent and turn their backs on Beelzebub and all his little demons, I will say to you you that thou shalt be cast into the pit of eternal damnation by the Reverend Gordon Brown and we'll fine you £500 if we catch you drinking outside a pub. That should raise a few quid and these are desperate times, so every little helps."

One local resident told us: "It would be a good idea if it wasn't for the fact that to avoid arrest all someone would have to do is walk at a brisk pace away from the PCSO trying to stop him."

In a further effort to generate revenue for the Labour Party from miscreants, Anneliese Dodds is also demanding that the law on the ban on mince pies be rigorously enforced, people found putting a stamp on a letter upside down should be tried for treason, hanging washing in the street, beating a carpet and flying a kite should be fined £1,000 under the Town Police Clauses Act, 1847, no electric amplification to be allowed at Reading Festival and girls showing too much of their 'Devils Dumplings' on a Friday will be arrested.