The yellow bellied MP facing both ways at once.

Martin Salter has proclaimed victory in his fight for Gurkha justice after the Government lost the vote in the Commons by 21 votes.

The Reading West MP told us: "I am very proud to have led the fight for justice for the Gurkhas from the front of the photo opportunities that they graciously let me pose in. I don't think at any point they could say that they were misled and have believed that I was going to support them in Parliament.

"In fact I felt it was my duty to hold up my gutlessness, cowardice and big fat yellow-belly as a mirror to emphasise how brave they actually are in comparision with a political pygmy like myself. In that context, I think people will see my actions as a principled abstention.

"In any case, the Government had once again given me assurances that I'm going to keep to myself and I couldn't bring myself to show the slightest sign of integrity. Now, Mr. Brown, I hope that peerage you promised me is still on track? Only 12 months to go... yippee!"