Our intrepid reporter drove into the wilds of Tilehurst after a tip-off that the notoriously secret Liberal Club were planning a meeting. This secret "club" is a complete unknown apart from their registered details at Companies House which names several prominent local Lib Dems and in their articles of association refers to the sinister objective of "advancing Liberal Democracy".

This major doner to the local Lib Dems has come under close scrutiny because they do not get funds from people with money in off-shore tax accounts in the Cayman Islands, use front companies to funnel money in from central American republics or receive monies from executives in major banks implicated in the sub-prime mortgage scandals or major accountancy and consultancy firms. This is just not the way politics is done in this country and has raised serious suspicions amongst seasoned political watchers.

Our reporter believes he has discovered the source of their funding after attending a "Chinese Evening". Clearly a large source of their funds is channeled to the party through Chinese resturants and is bona fide evidence of these loony lefties being financed by a communist plot. He saw delivery of many foil containers taken out from cool boxes, the contents of which we can only hazard a guess at. We suspect it was funding provided by the Chinese state in a bid to undermine the British electoral system which being based on wealth and patronage is anathema to their communist masters. But it could have been sweet and sour pork. We may never know.

Also seen during this secretive gathering were bizarre rituals involving handing over money for small coloured and numbered pieces of paper took place and members of the club were seen to be offered bribes in the form of prizes in exchange for some of these these pieces of paper.

Present at the event was Gareth Epps who we believe to be the mysterious "Group Leader". Dressed in what we believe to be his ritual outfit which he referred to as a "Welsh rubgy shirt", he was heard to thank the assembled for their continued support. His speech was met with rapturous applause from this unaccountable body and proof that they are plotting to overthrow the current regime through that discredited democratic device, the ballot box.

Our next planned report is on the local Tory party finances, but Lord Ashcroft says he's not telling us anything so that's that then.