Labour parliamentary candidate Anneliese Dodds has demanded a complete ban on drinking in Reading. From her pulpit she told incredulous townsfolk: "For too long you wretched sinners of Reading have worshipped the devil in a glass and gone home slightly merry you miserable scum. Just one drink can lead to licentious and venal behaviour and you should trust in our Lord, Gordon Brown to save you from yourself, you corrupt pustules of humanity. For verily in my home of Oxford, er, somewhere near to Reading that I may visit occasionally, the unclean have been cast out from the beer garden. And verily, unless the townsfolk of Reading repent and turn their backs on Beelzebub and all his little demons, I will say to you you that thou shalt be cast into the pit of eternal damnation by the Reverend Gordon Brown and we'll fine you £500 if we catch you drinking outside a pub. That should raise a few quid and these are desperate times, so every little helps."

One local resident told us: "It would be a good idea if it wasn't for the fact that to avoid arrest all someone would have to do is walk at a brisk pace away from the PCSO trying to stop him."

In a further effort to generate revenue for the Labour Party from miscreants, Anneliese Dodds is also demanding that the law on the ban on mince pies be rigorously enforced, people found putting a stamp on a letter upside down should be tried for treason, hanging washing in the street, beating a carpet and flying a kite should be fined £1,000 under the Town Police Clauses Act, 1847, no electric amplification to be allowed at Reading Festival and girls showing too much of their 'Devils Dumplings' on a Friday will be arrested.