The John Madejski Academy has been rated the fifth worst state School in the country in the latest GCSE league tables.

Local Labour councillor and school governor Mary Singleton-White complained: "The league tables are an extremely unfair way of measuring the achievements of pupils. By concentrating on how many pass their GCSEs it gives a misleading impression that schools are there to teach children. We should instead be hailing these results as a marvellous success. Let's face it, whoever would have thought that 7% of Whitley kids had it in them to actually turn up at the exam, let alone pass it?"

Fellow school governor Martin Salter MP rallied on the school's sponsor Mr. Madejski to save the failing establishment. "Come on John, another £106 and we can turn this school around and save Gordon Brown having to get out his dusty wallet to provide proper education across the country. If I have my way, there's a Knighthood in it for you."