PC Alistair Melling, founder of the Gay Police Association, has called for Reading Festival to be banned this year. "Only I can tell you the meaning of words and I aim to stamp out any usage that I don't agree with. It has come to my attention that Reading Festival are planning to segregate gay and lesbian festival goers? This is an outrage and this event should not be allowed to carry on with its increasingly homophobic overtones. I've been told on good authority that there are whole fields set aside for camping and they are even selling weekend camping tickets. This is homophobic bullying at its worst."

PC Melling has himself has come underfire for telling the press: "I hate to get into this thing about political correctness. It is naff and no good." Gay spokesmen Julian and Sandy told us: "How dare this charpering omi palare balonie? He knows that Naff is omipalones for Normal As F*** and yet he still uses it. This maunged sharpey is screeching our polari. It's mankey. Vaggerie to the charpering carsey and stay there."