Talks over who will be the new mayor of Reading have broken down after the local Conservative group put forward a controversial local figure as their preferred candidate for deputy mayor.

After the huge success of Bonkers Boris in hoodwinking the electorate, local Tories have nominated Paul Daniels as their choice for Mayor. Andrew Cumpsty told the assorted press: "You're going to like this, not a lot, but you'll like it."

Mr. Daniels is a controversial local figure whose outspoken views about sawing women in half has seen him at odds with the feminist movement. He also promised to leave Britain if Tony Blair won the 1997 election and he kept his promise by moving to Wargrave. Paul has pledged to find the £1m promised by the Tories for Mapledurham Pavilion. We asked him how he was planning to do this without making cuts to essential services and he told us: "Now that's magic."