Reading Borough Council will be holding a Funday to take students' minds of their GCSE results. A bucking bronco, surfboard, bungee run and an assault course will be among the attractions at the event, to distract attention away from the girls crying their eyes out because they've realised their only chance of getting on the property ladder is to get pregnant.

On hand to help them celebrate will be McDonald's who will be signing up Reading's most gifted students for burger flipping degrees at Hamburger University, JD Wetherspoons will conducting entrance exams for the bar and Prudential will be flying in a class from Mumbai to show the kids who will be doing their jobs in the future.

Deborah Edwards, Assistant Lead Councillor for Children's Services, said: "This is a splendid way to celebrate the many years of piss-poor education in Reading which is why we can look forward to record results, because let's face it, they can't possibly get any worse."

Rob Wilson, Shadow Education minister, will also be on hand if there are any journalists there to take credit for coaching Katie Scott from Whitley who is predicted to single handedly increase Reading's pass rate by an astonishing 100% by getting a B in Domestic Science.