Royal Berks Hospital has unveilled a new £1m robotic surgeon which will perform many difficult and demanding operations and reduce recovery time for patients. RBH will now be able to offer a full frontal robotomy and have also bought a Robutt to perform prostate cancer surgery.

Hospital managers have denied that the mechnical medic will put patients at risk. A consulting surgeon assured us: "We have programmed it with the Three Laws of Hospital Robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm - apart from slicing open their skin with a scapel;
2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law or the terms of the PFI contract;
3. And a robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the profit margins of the private sector managers."

Plans to also replace the PCT managers with robots have been cancelled as the cancellation of the Park and Ride scheme and parking charges of £10.00 for over 6 hours show that the robots are already in charge of the finances.