Reading Borough Council has announced a massive security clampdown with hundreds of new anti-terror patrols in the town. Urban security consultants NCP recommended the changes, which have been eagerly backed by the chair of Safer Reading Campaign, Tony Page. "Terrorists will think twice about planting bombs outside Reading night clubs when they know they will be liable for a £60 fine, although regular terrorists may like to take advantage of our £30 discount if they pay within 14 days. If we find persistent terrorism in the town centre we may also remove their car and have it crushed."

Town centre inspector Andy Bagnell insists that there are good reasons for the move and rejected criticism: "We don't think we're overhyping the threat - you'd have to be suicidal to try and park in Reading. It'll also bring in much needed cash to pay for even more consultants and hide the fact that we don't actually have any police officers available between 3am and 7am."