Residents of Park ward have been warned to buy plenty of garlic after Wokingham Tories started delivering leaflets in the area. "It was scary," said one local resident. "I'd just popped down to collect my daily junk mail when I saw this terrifying thing lying motionless in the corner. It was John Redwood's face. I thought I'd died and gone to hell."

The leaflet helpfully contained a map of the Wokingham boundary which the deliverers were clearly incapable of reading, but the local carpet cleaning company delivering the leaflets on behalf of the Conservative Party refused to apologise for the faux-pas and said it was all part of a plan to expand their terror-Tory. They did say that they also looked after wood floors and could send Buffy the laminate layer if we'd prefer.

If you are worried about Tories from a completely different constituency invading your area, signs to look out for are coffin fits, a pain in the neck and you might feel very cross.