With Boris Johnson promising to retire to the Chiltern Hundreds and become the only MP to retire to the place he is retiring from, Tories are queuing up in their droves to succeed him in the safe seat of Henley. However, replacing the racial epithet spouting Etonian is proving as troublesome as finding someone with a 'Watermelon Smile' in Watlington.

Early favourite was Boris Johnson's father Stanley Johnson, but local Tories have discounted him after discovering that he once worked for the European Commission.

One surprise candidate for the seat could be the unemployed former Commons researcher Chief of Staff, Rik Willis. Fresh from master-minding an election campaign which saw the local party as the only Tories in the south of England to actually lose a seat they won last time out, he is hoping that his previous support for racist regimes, murderous dictators and pure hatred for Edward Heath will win over the waivering selection committee. And just for good measure he's already announced that he's willing to move to the constituency a few weeks before the election campaign starts. Rik tells us that he will be campaigning vigorously on green issues.