Reading Conservatives have selected their candidates for the 2008 local elections and have got straight down to business sending out glossy leaflets rather than campaigning.

Nick Fortesque-Allen said how he was jolly excited to be picked as the Tory candidate for Katesgrove. "Golly, yes. It was completely unexpected. I was dreading being blackballed by being selected for Whitley at the hustings, but was assured that I was the best candidate on paper for Kategrove. I think my vendition to the hoi polloi of Elizabeth Walk their daily ration of prawn and advocado bagettes with a balsamic dressing was the clincher. Yah."

Laurence "Flashman" Farquar-Farquarson-Taylor-Smythe was also enthusiastic at being selected. "Crikey. Following in the footsteps of Robert 'Crumpet Cheeks' Wilson as your Redlands SDP candidate. Gosh. It's a real honour. Hopefully it won't distract too much from my rugger activities. Lord Ashcroft has promised Mater and Pater lots of money so that I won't have to get my hands dirty shaking hands with the plebians. Ah, my chums have arrived. We're off to debag those oiks from Thames Valley University. Pip Pip."