READING'S Tories are working on a masterplan to tackle transport problems across town – and it will be their platform at the next local elections. First promised over three months ago, it has been delayed because they have been unable to find a fag packet big enough for their scribblings.

Squadron Leader Richard Willis, the Tory’s transport supremo, said the plan was still being worked on and would cover all transport issues including the IDR. "It will be revealed to the public well in advance of the elections because we've already earmarked some of Rob Wilson's MPs' expense allowance and election spending limits would stop us mailing it close to polling day," he told us.

The Conservative flyboy continued: "We're not short of ideas though. For example, Reading Borough Council still does not have a cycling strategy. We have a fully worked out cycle strategy direct from David Cameron. Everyone who cycles should get priority lanes for the 4x4 following them with their suit and briefcases."

He also dismissed the necessity of the council's transport commission to look at congestion problems in the town, and its newly appointed commissioner Sir Brian Briscoe. "I am sure he is an excellent individual, but he's wasting his time because we're going to sack him. We can't have someone who might actually know what he's talking about sticking around to ridicule our plans."