Reading & District Labour Party are preparing their final push before the local elections.

An insider revealed:

"It's been a disappopinting campaign so far with our traditional barefaced lies not working as well as we hoped on the doorstep. However, we've just taken delivery of hundreds of dog whistles so our supporters will be staying up all night to learn the drill ready for election day.

"We have the old tried and tested smears well rehearsed, from plain old 'racist' to accusing opponents of being 'perverts'. The classics will always have a place in our pantheon. But this year we've decided to branch out and go for the Asian vote with straight forward homophobia. If it's looking too close to call, we've also got a set of paedophile taunts up our sleeve. You can never go too low if you want to win.

"On your dog whistle... ready... get set..."

For those less mobile, a postal vote counting party will be held in Redlands.